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AIBU?

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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 29/12/2023 22:07

Lots of warning signs in this OP. He sounds small minded and possibly a bit jealous. If his salary is impacted like you allude, and he’s able to make comparisons then he really should be considering your circumstances and not to mention what you’ve all been through.

I think he’s overstepping the line already and it’ll just get worse.

In the bin I think.

LeilaDarling · 29/12/2023 22:08

Unnerving and scary - get rid asap but make sure you tell a close friend or relative what’s going on and why.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:10

Don’t break up alone with him. Change the locks and if there is any aggression call the police

Merrymouse · 29/12/2023 22:11

The best that can be said for him is that he needs to engage his brain.

His 2 children have 2 parents. How dare he comment on your financial circumstances.

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 22:13

I'm a bit confused by these recent answers- the OP says he's overly interested in her financial situation, but it's been fun and easy to date, so why are people acting like he's dangerous? He might be inclined to benefit from her financial situation, and that would put me off him a lot, but there's no indication he'd get aggressive.

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 22:14

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 22:13

I'm a bit confused by these recent answers- the OP says he's overly interested in her financial situation, but it's been fun and easy to date, so why are people acting like he's dangerous? He might be inclined to benefit from her financial situation, and that would put me off him a lot, but there's no indication he'd get aggressive.

This is MN!

Bryonny84 · 29/12/2023 22:15

Based on my own experience (where I made a complete arse of things), there are men out there that look for what someone has, they move in, "put up" with you (pretending it's a relationship) and take, take, take. Then they want what's yours and do their best to get it. If you stay with this man for years he will take what you have and you may find that he's entitled to it. In my case the guy walked away with most of it and I had to start over. I would get rid. No man who wants to be with you should be asking you about your house/money/expect you to pay etc etc.

Dappy55 · 29/12/2023 22:15

There seems to be a particular breed of man that starts a new relationship.and expects to move in to a paid of house and live the life of Riley. Well fuck that don't facilitate it the absolute cheek of asking about your finances

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 22:15

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 22:13

I'm a bit confused by these recent answers- the OP says he's overly interested in her financial situation, but it's been fun and easy to date, so why are people acting like he's dangerous? He might be inclined to benefit from her financial situation, and that would put me off him a lot, but there's no indication he'd get aggressive.

Well one person said it.,

MikeRafone · 29/12/2023 22:16

DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

this person seems to think they have they’re feet under the table…. The head of the table. to suggest his sons gets your dds old bedroom is getting way ahead of himself - this is embarrassing

his ego is taking a bashing as you clearly have more disposable income.

id almost wonder if he’s a gold digger, obsessed with material goods, wanting to put his stamp on your belongings

id feel very uncomfortable in your position and back off

WillowCraft · 29/12/2023 22:16

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 20:31

Seems unlikely though...the OP is entitled to half of the house and money. The husband wouldn't be able to disinherit her of her half in favour of the kids.

What are you talking about? The OP is a widow and owns all of her house etc.

I know, I was responding to the post quoted in my post, which suggested the OP could tell the new partner that her husband had disinherited her.

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 29/12/2023 22:18

I'm stunned that he expects his children to be housed by you even for a one-off. He's so off base with that expectation.

Time for an honest conversation about boundaries.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 22:18

EmmaEmerald · 29/12/2023 21:49

Sadly a lot of people don't think to do that

I'd cancel NYE tbh. Tell him you've got noro if you can't face dumping him beforehand.

The fact he knows you've got no mortgage is a problem. I'd not disclose that if you date again.

Show quote history

You can find out from the Land Registry for a few pounds if there a mortgage on a property

ChookChooks · 29/12/2023 22:22

He's looked up the market value of your house, what the fuck?

How did you find that out??

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 22:22

I smell a cocklodger OP!

ISewISee · 29/12/2023 22:23

ChookChooks · 29/12/2023 22:22

He's looked up the market value of your house, what the fuck?

How did you find that out??

He told her!!

EmmaEmerald · 29/12/2023 22:23

@DeeLusional yes but I still wouldn't volunteer that info.

NoWayRose · 29/12/2023 22:27

ChookChooks · 29/12/2023 22:22

He's looked up the market value of your house, what the fuck?

How did you find that out??

Doubtless swiftly followed by another search in the Rightmove for-sale section for what new home he could buy if you added your, say, £500k equity to his £25k equity.

AlwaysGinPlease · 29/12/2023 22:29

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

What a fucking loser. You know this is not normal or acceptable behaviour OP. You're a meal ticket and he's got a big appetite. Dump and never look back. You'll really regret it if you don't.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 22:31

It’s just weird.

Get rid

raspberrycardigan · 29/12/2023 22:32

Honestly, he may as well have "cocklodger in waiting" tattooed on his forehead and his own portable set of flashing red lights.

He's not just overly invested (pardon the pun) in your financial situation, he is also a pusher and a boundary violator; can't imagine what he'd be like if he ever moved into your house.

Lunde · 29/12/2023 22:33

Be very wary OP - the first months people are always on their best behaviour - it is now that he is starting to relax and show his true colours.

He is trying to push you into a closer relationship that benefits him financially. He is trying to reframe your money as "our money" where his children's holiday should be financed by you and your own children should pay for themselves. He is trying to assert his children's "rights" to rooms in your house.

Then there are all of the other manipulative attempts to put a value on your assets, savings, spending and accusing you of being "secretive" for not wanting to discuss these after a short relationship.

This would be a huge turnoff to me - I would back way from this relationship.

Cicciabella · 29/12/2023 22:36

How's your sex life ? Doesn't it turn you off that he is greedily eyeing up your finance's and getting his leg over? I got the ick just reading
And I don't even know him!!

Dontbehorridhenry · 29/12/2023 22:36

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Charlize43 · 29/12/2023 22:38

I think you have every reason to be suspicious. Your instincts are telling you something, please listen to them.

Maybe casually mention that everything you have is already in a trust for your children. If he asks anything, tell him that you don't care to discuss it further.