Overhead conversation - wwyd?

[notlisteningwithmother]

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

Yeah I agree

He definitely needs to say you didn’t even know about them. Why did your Dh do that? You could have just frozen any extra.

Oh that's awful, your DH needs to explain it was nothing to do with you and you would have accepted. What a silly mess your DH has created.

Yep

Why is this weird interlude your fault in any way?

I wouldn't give a flying fuck tbh.
If you have something to say to me, say it
If not, keep your comments to yourself and if you are that mean-spirited to bitch about me behind my back, then I especially couldn't care if you had a good Xmas.
Ungracious ungrateful and rude.
And they wouldn't be coming again. And they wld spend the rest of their days wondering I'd they were overheard.

Speak up!! Dh's balls up and you are carrying the can.. Before she bad mouths you to the entire family!!

Why did she blame you for your husband rejecting the food? Because you're a woman?

Why did you husband do that, that’s so unbelievably rude. What did he want them to put them in their room or the car?

"as long as she doesn't mention the cake"

But she's clearly moaned to dh about your rejection of cake.?
So didn't he set her straight?. Surely he rejected it immediately so she would have also known you were not involved.

This doesn't add up

Nobody knows that I heard anything, and they don't need to. I'm quite relieved!

That's your takeaway from this?!

Your DH was abnormally rude and hurtful. What was she supposed to do with her cake and pudding, stuff them up her jaxsy? Pop them in her portable mini-fridge?

All this effort to not have a conversation and ask why someone is feeling the way you overheard they felt...

My step MIL would believe she is very welcoming when we stay. But she really isn't. There are so many 'rules' to follow. Ridiculous things that make staying there stressful and make you feel unwelcome. She would say she enjoys having us and does everything to make us feel welcome. She makes sure we have everything we need but also makes us feel like an imposition, because we used the wrong towel in the bathroom or didn't use the right cups when making drink etc. It puts you on edge so that you can't wait to get home! Maybe you don't realise little things you've said or done that have made them feel on edge.

I know right? People never cease to surprise me in the way they behave. He was rude and she’s just glad they don’t know she heard. Who behaves like this?

Honestly - in my experience- the long and short of it is that people don’t mix and sociability is unpleasant and they only mix and put themselves through it because of a sense of duty at set times ie Christmas and to heal the horror of the duty to mix they comfort themselves by blaming the hosting or whatever for their discomfort with being out of their routine rather than the obvious reason that they just don’t like being out of their comfort zone. Its natural- let it lie.

It's also sad if true that mil doesn't have the relationship with her son to laugh and say "are you sure? Where would you like me to store this? Have you asked dil? I don't mind using these as back up?"

This does remind me a bit of when my new MIL got upset with me because she didn't approve of the Christmas presents we got for DH's sisters the first Christmas after we were married. He picked them out.
But in fairness, when she said something to him, he did fess up.

Yeh same! And you definitely need to make sure they know that you knew nothing of this- and you wouldn’t have been as rude & tactless as DH- you would have accepted their cakes!! Agh do not let DH off for this & don’t take the blame that he should be shouldering!!

Gosh that’s very sad.

It’s good to know what happened and that you didn’t do anything wrong.

But your husband MUST explain the situation and make sure she knows you weren’t at fault.

it was totally thoughtless of him to reject them but no doubt she’ll forgive him easily because he’s her son.

she did go over the top a bit saying you’d ruined Christmas and also by automatically assuming the decision was yours. But maybe in her household only she would be authorised to make such a call ( so she just assumed…) and also, we tend to speak more bluntly and extravagantly when we think no one can hear so she may not feel as angry as she sounded.

Her husband must have been there physically in person to reject the cake and surely it must have happened immediately? So how on earth has op being dragged into a straight exchange between mother and son.
Op I don't buy this is what happened. I think your dh is fibbing.

Exactly. Women are always to fucking blame. Not of course their precious wonderful son who I’m sorry is actually a massive dick for being so awfully damn rude in the first place. Agh. Nothing will ever change will it.
And OP it appears you have also internalised misogyny for taking away from this that it ‘doesn’t matter I’m getting blamed here for the despicable rudeness of my DH where I had absolutely nothing to do with it and ILs are left thinking I’m a cunt because….phew! They didn’t know I could hear them!!! “ wtf

Erm, so DH stopped you from getting free cake, upset your MIL, let you be blamed for it at least in part, and didn't tell you any of this until after they'd left?!

I'd be so cross. You went to so much effort to make this a lovely Christmas and all for nothing because for whatever stupid reason he upset everyone.

How are you going to proceed from here OP? I hope you clear your name at least.

Relief? Probably just knowing that there's an explanation rather than thinking through multiple possible scenarios. Not least those raised in posts on this thread about sending messages to guests without realising.

DH called MIL re the earring, and then explained that he'd made a unilateral decision about the food. He admitted that after talking to me he understood why that was clearly the wrong response, and thoughtless. And apologised for giving the impression that I was in any way involved.

MIL then sent a genuinely lovely message in a text to me a few minutes later.

This Doesn’t require a justice & truth mission. The op husband clumsily declined a cake annd inadvertently hurt his parents feelings. Badly handled,yes. Need a full disclosure and retrospective explanation, no

lets get some perspective

he mishandled being given gifts
It doesn’t need a full family summit to address Hurt feelings

Ahh, I see update all resolved. No major drama