Overhead conversation - wwyd?

[notlisteningwithmother]

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

This is probably what it is. We all get tired and stressed over Christmas and people misconstrue it as grumpiness. It happened to me this year too. It is so easy to offend people unintentionally. You are in a difficult place because sometimes asking people what's going on just opens the floodgates and they start going on about things you did years ago (do I sound as though I am speaking from experience? I am). I wish I had more advice for you, but I am not very good at advice giving. Sorry.

I wouldn't sweat it too much. People can often be tetchy at Christmas, especially when not in their own home.
I'd mention it to your dh, see what he says .

@Sallyh87 Sorry, I wasn't clear. FIL has mobility issues, but point taken that we shouldn't make assumptions about what is possible.

@notlisteningwithmother, what do you want to achieve? Did you genuinely enjoy this Christmas and believe they had too?

I confess, I don't think I would be able to remain completely silent. If you thought it was a good Christmas, I would express that to them. Before they go, tell them just how much you enjoyed spending time with them, and say that you know it is hard to stay at another person's house and you really hope they had a nice time too.

If you think there was any moment of awkwardness, raise it. Say that I remember that moment when X happened, but I hope that didn't spoil things because we really enjoyed having you over to stay.

Or you could play the psychic card and suggest that it feels like there is an awkwardness in the air. We really enjoyed you visiting, but it feels like maybe there was something you didn't enjoy or that we could have done better? We would really love to understand, as to us it was a great Christmas.

In other words, celebrate what you saw as a good Christmas, but encourage them to be open. If they do say that they really hated the fact that you stay up too late / get up so early / insisted on them walking too far / watch really chavvy TV / drink too much / smell a bit, then at least you know and just nod sagely and thank them for the feedback. If they say everything was wonderful, accept their comments or at the very least know that they can never criticise you later without looking bad because you gave them the chance to tell you and they didn't.

Reading your updates, I can't understand why they would say that. Maybe they are very high maintenance, maybe you misheard them, maybe they misunderstood something you said and have formed a gripe in their head. Either way, I'd want DH to get to the bottom of it if I were you.

Do you need DH to get to the bottom of this? Isn't he likely to just come back with "I spoke with dad and it's all a misunderstanding. He says you misheard. They were actually saying how amazing you are and they love how you decorated the tree this year. Don't worry. Everything's fine."

Would you be satisfied with that response? Once DH has spoken to them it would be impossible for you to raise anything without calling them liers.

MYSTERY SOLVED!!

ILs left late morning. I've just cleaned out their room and found an earring on the floor that I think belongs to MIL. I asked DH to call her, and maybe also check that they'd got home okay and thank them for coming.

DH response - fine, as long as she doesn't mention the cake. (Now I'm confused!)

So, MIL had made and brought (as a surprise) a Christmas cake and Christmas pudding. FIL handed them to DH when they arrived, but DH then gave them back to MIL saying that I'd also made a Christmas cake and a pudding so we'd just use those and didn't need anything else. From this, MIL extrapolated that I had refused to accept her carefully prepared contribution to the Christmas food, and by implication sent a clear message that neither she nor her food were welcome in the house.

If offered the option I would absolutely have accepted them as gifts. But MIL was clearly still upset by the apparent rejection when I overheard the conversation this morning, deliberate or otherwise.

Nobody knows that I heard anything, and they don't need to. I'm quite relieved!

I would get him to explain you didn't know...

Glad the mystery was solved. I’m intrigued at how level headed you are though! Id be really upset if MIL had gone from 0 to 100 like that

I'm not surprised. This is exactly the sort of thing my MIL would do.
Also blaming the DIL instead of her precious son. Classic.
Any reason why he choose to allow her blaming of you?
I am level headed. But that's because DH is 100% on my side. We just leave them to it. She's crackers aided and abetted 👸 by FIL.

Your DH was cowardly to quietly let you take the 'blame' for something he did.

Don't quite understand the relief. Your DH was rude, you've got the blame and your MIL has decided that their stay was ruined because you declined her cake. I'd find all that a bit upsetting really when you've obviously done your best to make them welcome and their stay enjoyable.

I think in this situation you not DH need to ring her.

tell her he's only just told you about the cake and you are furious with him as her cakes are wonderful (or whatever) and you would much rather have had hers if you had known.

no need to mention you overheard her, she gets reassurance that you knew nothing and weren't being a dick and you get to 'clear your name' without a row or anyone being embarrassed.

what a knob your DH is, if a guest brings a gift accept it! What exactly did he think she was going to do with the cake once he rejected it?

My DIL would call me and say, "MIL, DH has been a dick. He told you we didn't want your cake etc but we do! We all love your cakes and I'm furious with him for telling you to take it home. I'm so sorry if you're upset."

This will only make things worse!
The DH rejecting the cake straight upon being given it. It was blooming obvious OP didn't know about it. Unless he had a telepathic communication channel open with OP. Or MIL had said she was bringing one in advance.

OP fluffing and apologising is just going to make her look like she's backtracking in MIL's eyes.

It's her HUSBAND who caused this and HIM who needs to own up to his mistake. Not his wife. Stop letting men off the hook for bad behaviour and leaving the wimminz to smooth over hurt feelings.

I agree with others that I would call your MIL directly and explain the whole thing, and have a good laugh at her DS's, your DH's, expense. Otherwise tension will continue no matter what DH says to his mum. She will think he is hiding something on your behalf.

This could be a good opportunity for you two to open up your relationship, so in future cake conversations are not had between FIL and DH, but instead between the MIL that made it and the DIL that will serve it.

Good luck!

So your DH just what.. didn’t accept the cake? What was she expected to do with it if they were staying with you?

Yeah that’s really weird… first off how is too much cake a problem?

I’d call her if I were you and explain that you didn’t know what he’d done.

Oh no, did your DH really do that? How hurtful. No wonder your MIL's upset.

From what OP wrote I had taken it that FIL gave DH the cakes when they arrived, it reads that DH has then at a slightly later point given the cakes back to MIL saying they aren't needed because OP has already made enough, without making it clear OP hadn't been consulted at all about the cakes.

MIL is in the wrong for assuming the rude rejection of the gift has originated with OP, DH can't be trusted to set the record straight if it means admitting he was rude.

What a fuss!

Why did your husband hand them back?

Although it probably would have been better to check rather than just turn up with them?

I’m also a little confused why @notlisteningwithmother you are relieved? Did he set the record straight or is she still mad at you?

And since I’ve tagged you, what did she do with the cake?

Does your DH usually behave like this? Aren't you annoyed with him? What a weird thing for him to do.

Relieved? I'd be furious, your husband needs to know that his parents have been saying how you 'ruined' Christmas all because of something he's done .

This!

I feel like this makes things worse, I'm not sure why you're relieved!

It's really odd to me to return food to people who are staying in your home. What did they do with the rejected cake and pudding?

I think someone does need to explain it to MIL. And yes, I would never bring food to my son and DIL without checking first, but then again, I'm pretty sure my son wouldn't take it and then give it back to me, to what, keep in my room?