Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overhead conversation - wwyd?

240 replies

notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 16:27

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

OP posts:
Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 16:48

I can't think of anything obvious.

The criticism seemed to be mainly from MIL who I suppose could have taken offense at my encouragement to relax and leave the chores to us.

Beyond that, we all went out together one day for lunch (agreed venue together in advance), went for a boxing day walk (route with a made-up path for mobility reasons so that we could all go) and played family board games in the evening. I stayed at home with the DCs while DH took MIL and PIL to a midnight service.

Nothing seemed contentious unless I somehow came across as grumpy. Not consciously - the atmosphere seemed fine. Good idea to ask DH how he thought things went, but perhaps without saying why.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 29/12/2023 16:49

That is a very weird conversation for guests to have outside the bathroom, where they have just heard someone finishing a shower. Presumably meant to be overheard, which is very passive-aggressive. Unless you screamed “Piss off” when they arrived, and pelted them with cutlery at random times ….

GrumpyOldCrone · 29/12/2023 16:50

Like previous posters, I wonder if it might have been deliberate. Do you normally get on well with them?

EvilElsa · 29/12/2023 16:51

I'd leave it personally and make different plans for next year. They didn't enjoy their stay -that's ok, next Christmas they don't stay and you make plans to meet at a resteraunt for dinner or something else. I think its up to them to bring up the issue with you if they feel this strongly.

alwaysmovingforwards · 29/12/2023 16:57

EvilElsa · 29/12/2023 16:51

I'd leave it personally and make different plans for next year. They didn't enjoy their stay -that's ok, next Christmas they don't stay and you make plans to meet at a resteraunt for dinner or something else. I think its up to them to bring up the issue with you if they feel this strongly.

Yup, agree with this, I'd just get on with things.

CarrotCake01 · 29/12/2023 16:57

This is so open to interpretation and dependent on so many things!

If it were me I'd want to know what I'd done wrong but in the least confrontational way possible 😂

Maybe you did make them feel unwelcome, maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the line etc. Also it depends why you want to ask. Is it to improve the relationship or win the argument? If you genuinely want to work on the family dynamic then I'd ask and get an answer but if you're gunning for a fight, just leave it alone.

Tooshytoshine · 29/12/2023 16:58

I think next year make different plans.

Maybe they have forgotten the absolute stress of Christmas with kids and the exhaustion parents can feel. This has been interpreted as grumpy rather then busy.

This seems like such a weird conversation to have though?! I would save it for the car on the way home. It sounds like them rather than you and I wouldn't overthink it. Some people always feel uncomfortable staying away from home!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/12/2023 16:58

I would want to know. Ask them sweetly as they're leaving if they've had a nice time. Was there anything that could've been better, kind of thing. Then if they say it was perfect, say you thought you overheard... etc

Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 16:59

Our relationship is usually fine. Get on well, share some interests (FIL and I swap books; MIL and I like the same music etc) I don't think there was anything inappropriate in the exchange of Christmas gifts, and I'd deliberately tried to make sure they had some home comforts, like supplies of MIL favourite herbal tea because I know she can't drink coffee.
If it wasn't accidental that I heard the conversation, that's quite out of character for them too. I'm reasonably certain I didn't mishear although I suppose there's a remote possibility....

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 17:02

On reading your update I’d lean into the car as they’re about to drive off and say “it’s been lovely having you both, I’m sorry you didn’t feel the same, yes I heard the conversation outside the bathroom. I’m really sorry you feel that way but don’t worry, I won’t be spending any more Christmases with you again. Safe drove home, byeeeee”.

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2023 17:03

They knew you were in the shower - very odd for them to "accidentally" have that conversation outside the bathroom door in your earshot.

Also I don't believe you e done anything to make them feel that way on purpose because otherwise you'd have said in your OP you didn't want them there or they are difficult.

I think I'd gently confront it head on. Just say you overheard and you're sorry they feel that way and your more than happy for them to say what it is so you can make sure it doesn't happen again.

And then if it's absolutely nothing don't invite them again!!!

RandomMess · 29/12/2023 17:03

You probably didn't run your household and Christmas the way they wanted, nothing more to it than that.

Did you break the "3 night rule " and have them stay too long?

diddl · 29/12/2023 17:04

My ILs can be quite difficult.

I can imagine them feeling unwelcome if they thought that you didn't quite make enough effort or things didn't happen exactly as they wanted.

It would more likely that they were out of their comfort zone because they weren't at home but that wouldn't occur to them & they'd be putting fault/blame elsewhere!

FuckingHellAdele · 29/12/2023 17:09

This leapt out at me:

Nothing seemed contentious unless I somehow came across as grumpy

only because it seems like a slightly odd thought to just pull out of thin air. Were you a tad grumpy about something, that they may have taken as directed at them maybe?

Just1MoreMinute · 29/12/2023 17:09

Let sleeping dogs lie and next year make sure you book yourself a nice relaxing break just for you and hubby and send the in-laws a postcard wishing them merry Christmas.

soggybottomedfruitcake · 29/12/2023 17:10

But if you genuinally have no clue, it’s kinder to ask them so you can sort it out. Don’t make it a big deal, just ask.

Startingagainandagain · 29/12/2023 17:10

I always consider anyone who complains about how someone 'ruin Christmas' to be a drama queen who is just enjoying stirring things up.

It does not sound like you have done anything out of the ordinary so good riddance to them...

It is rather suspicious that they chose to have that conversation randomly outside your bathroom so I would assume it was just some passive aggressive way to tell you she was annoyed which is really immature behaviour.

They were guests in your home and it sounds like you did all you could to make everyone enjoy Christmas. Incredibly ungrateful of them to then choose to bitch about you like that...

Just1MoreMinute · 29/12/2023 17:11

And with tbe children too of course.

NWQM · 29/12/2023 17:12

Yep, that sums it up for me too.

You say you have a good relationship normally and they were perhaps just letting off steam.......bit rude in the hosts house but if they really didn't think you would hear. Interesting you say animated though ....do you know that nothing has just happened downstairs?

If you can let it go then you have perhaps missed the moment when you understandably froze a bit. It not perhaps have a conversation. I would ask my DH his thoughts but it was you who over heard it so I think you should ask.

ClimbEveryLadder · 29/12/2023 17:12

Tricky, I think I’d have to say something to try and understand why they felt like that otherwise its going to be at the back of your mind for all future interactions

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 17:13

Hmm I wouldn’t challenge an overhead conversation not intended to be heard
If you put them on the spot asking for an explanation they’ll probably deflect or deny as it’s more social acceptable. I suppose if challenged they could go for full reveal and explain their feelings.
On balance I’d not ask for explanation, it’s one of those things best left unpoked

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 17:14

I think I would tell my DH and let him deal with it in his way.

What a pair of prats, they should have saved the backstabbing chat for the journey home!!

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 17:14

soggybottomedfruitcake · 29/12/2023 17:10

But if you genuinally have no clue, it’s kinder to ask them so you can sort it out. Don’t make it a big deal, just ask.

If the op wasn't meant to overhear the conversation, I don't think the in laws would answer honestly. If it was done so she did hear, then I would worry that asking them would just make things more awkward or start an argument.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 29/12/2023 17:16

I'm so sorry you had to hear that OP. It sounds like you've tried so hard and they're utterly unreasonable. I think I'd have to catch MIL alone and ask her what it was about.

AzureBlue99 · 29/12/2023 17:17

I wouldn't bring it up, nor would I tell my OH, nor would I be spending Xmas with them again. If you genuinely don't think you were unwelcoming, stuff em.

Swipe left for the next trending thread