Overhead conversation - wwyd?

[notlisteningwithmother]

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

Personally, I would have opened the door and walked calmly and silently past them - let them sweat about whether you heard their conversation or not.

Op how well do you get on normally? Could you ask her if she's had a nice week and see what she says? Pick up on any hesitancy and gently try and probe?

Or apologise and be honest. Tell her as you were coming out of the shower you caught a part of their conversation about feeling unwelcome and you wanted to express your apologies of you'd done or said anything that made them feel like that

Dh misses the mark with my dm sometimes and it’s just the combination of their personalities. She tends to dominate the conversation and refer to past events, maybe expecting him to jump in and ask questions. Instead he’s inclined to withdraw to leave us to talk.

That’s just one example where they’re just not in sync but I don’t want dh feeling he has to second guess everything he does, in his own house, or she will actually be unwelcome. Especially when he’s already done plenty to be welcoming, and dm is oblivious to her own contribution to their dynamic..

So I handle it by being the diplomat, smoothing out any misunderstandings and reassuring everyone of everyone else’s good intentions. He probably does similar on his side of the family.

One of my sil is German and sometimes a light comment can get tricky crossing the language and cultural barriers and my db is good at smoothing those moments too. It can just take time (and lots of it) to get used to other people’s ways.

I think you’re right not to make more if it at this point, but maybe checking in with your dh is a good idea. It sounds like a matter of perception rather than anything else.

I always send a thank you text to my guests for coming and let them know that we enjoyed their company. Sometimes people need to hear the words too.

Mine used to be offended because I didn’t do everything the same as she did. She thought because I had been to hers I should have learnt what to cook, what time to eat etc.

Staying at other peoples house unless you aren’t totally comfortable isn’t fun. Same for the host. I wonder if she expects you to have smile plastered on your face 24 hours a day.

I offended’ mine one Christmas because I expected them to leave. My FIL (who enjoyed my cooking) decided he might stay another week or two because he had nothing better to do. Unfortunately I had visitors coming from Australia for new year, a trip planned for over 2 years. So I had to tell DH to tell them to go. They never got over it, even though MIL wanted to go home, she was mortally offended.

I think your DH should call them in a couple of days and ask whether they had a nice time because you weren’t sure.

If they say « yes, lovely thanks » I would just simply not ask them to Xmas again. If people have a problem but won’t tell you about it then you’re a bit stuck.

If they say there was an issue I would address that issue in the most adult way possible.

I disagree with the idea of ignoring it. For the sake of ongoing good family relationships you need to get to the bottom of it. Imagine if it was just a misunderstanding, what a waste of unhappiness! But even if not, it’s much better to know about any issue than wonder. Then you can accommodate their concerns if you think they’re reasonable or take a little step back emotionally if you think they’re cuckoo. Once you know what the problem is, it will loom less large and you can do something about it.

This does NOT mean you need to confront them though, because you could so easily make things worse. Find a subtle way to do it, when emotions are not running high. Ask your husband how he thinks things went. Then ask him to speak to his parents and find out.

Another thing you could do is, next time you speak to them (or before they leave now if you think you can pull it off) ask them in a jolly way how they thought Christmas went - did it match up to Christmases they’ve hosted themselves in the past, anything to build on for the future? You hope they had a nice time. (This would work best if it was your first time hosting them - I can’t remember if it was.) If the problem was you being grumpy they may feel they can’t mention it to you so you may get no info - in which case just let it go for the time being and use other methods to find out.

Did you give them presents?

If I heard my guests say that and I genuinely had been nothing but welcoming, I would simply have to have asked them what had upset them. The fact you didn't speaks volumes imo.

OP Sorry that you overheard this conversation. My parents complained for years that they always had to do Christmas. I only had a 1 bed flat at the time so the first year I was in my house I asked them to come for Christmas and they were pleased that I asked. My sibling and partner came for Boxing Day. On Boxing Day morning I had a similar situation whereby I started to walk down the stairs when I overheard parents saying that they would be glad to get home and that they would t be allowing me to host Christmas again and that they would do it. I was really upset as they had spent so many years complaining about having to do it. Sibling agreed with me that they were rude but I never mentioned overhearing them. I know have a dc and we go to them every year but I can't wait to leave as they are so stuck in their ways and won't let me help prepare anything despite being in their 70s. I get my head bitten off for suggesting that we do something differently. I left their home yesterday and am still trying to get my head on right because of how they make me feel. Could it simply be that they were tired as they were sleeping somewhere different to usual and not feeling as comfortable as they would in their own home and doing things their way? I know I was getting grumpy with my parents for exactly this reason in the last few hours with them. If I were in your position I would try to move on but ask if they want to do Christmas differently next year (but nearer the day).

Your DH should probably take this on. Maybe early in the new year once everyone is settled. Something sounds off and it might be one thing. He could even mention you overheard the conversation and are concerned you have offended them. outside the bathroom door does seem to be an odd place to have this conversation.

but you can never tell - it might be that you did things differently to them. I hosted Christmas once with beef instead of turkey (no crackers either) which led to my mother to stand in the middle of my lounge in front of everyone, ‘pinkie finger in the air, declare ‘well this has been different’ in an I’m not impressed tone. I was left doing the washing up & she had not noticed I was in ear shot.

"I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas."

If I overheard someone saying I'd ruined their Christmas, it would be a long, cold time before they ever entered my home again. Let them entertain themselves next Dec. 25 while you enjoy your own traditions unencumbered by these ingrates.

Be really carefully you didn’t mishear. Especially as u say there was no obvious animosity. Were they saying “she has made me feel so welcome” or have you considered the possibility they were discussing someone else they know ie “ I was speaking to Sandra-she’s staying at her in laws- she’s upset as they’ve made her feel so unwelcome “
I always remember an ex’s mum falling out with me as she walked into the kitchen at their family’s party as I was telling my ex what I’d just heard his nephew say -and I quoted in a huffy voice- “I don’t really want to be here to be honest” soon as she’d heard it she said “I heard that!” wasn’t having any of it that I was doing an impression of nephew!

Yeah I'd say this too, but I'm very aware that it's proper passive aggressive

I'd ask her straight out, saying you'd overheard the conversation.

How totally mortifying and upsetting for you op.

I wouldn't ask them about it at the moment but I would ask your dh what his thoughts are and is there anything he's not telling you...

Eg your mil actually hates your guts.

Are you sure you haven’t been mistaken in what you heard?
e.g
‘We’re lucky we’ve had such a lovely time. John just rang me about his Christmas…he said we’ve been made to feel so unwelcome and it ruined Christmas’

I'm guessing that if Christmas is usually at their house, your MIL didn't like being treated as a guest who wasn't allowed to help rather than a central figure at the heart of the action. It doesn't sound like anything you've done wrong, more that she felt on the fringes of things and pushed out. Maybe it made her feel a bit old too. Just guessing, OP.

Where do you usually spend Xmas and did mil want to take it easy.

You sound lovely OP and it’s hard to see from your post that you did anything wrong. I certainly wouldn’t go into a strop as other posters are suggesting but I think I would need to say something, just to settle my own curiosity.
I'm wondering if it would be best mention it not in a confrontational way but in a concerned way, perhaps your OH could say you thought you overheard them say they hadn’t had a good time and see what they say.
It does sound as if you all have a very good relationship, I’d be careful to try not to spoil that, after all you may have misheard them.

If you and DH both felt the stay went well, and there was no obvious reason as to why they felt unwelcome then it must be a minor thing they are unhappy about (if anything!), which is very unreasonable of them. It’s difficult with in-laws - they aren’t your family by blood so they can be less forgiving and there can be pressure to be on your best behaviour at all times. Don t go over everything you did and said during their visit - I’m sure on the whole you were friendly and welcoming - you stayed up with mulled wine and mince pies when they returned from church FGS! They were rude to talk unkindly of you in your own home - they should have waited until they had left to prevent the dilemma you’re in now. Speak to DH and see what he says - I think I would be minded to ask the in-laws why they said what they did though as it would eat me up and would be on my mind at future meet ups.

If I'd heard something like that after running around like a mad thing hosting them it would be the last time I had a Christmas with them.
Unless you've misheard or there's something specific, it sounds as though they didn't like dancing to your Christmas traditions in your home.

Just a thought, you speak about mobility issues and also asking your MIL to take things easy.

I have some mobility issues and it really grinds my gears when people tell me to take it easy or rest. I know you mean well but I know my own limits and I like to be involved. It feels condescending to me.

I know this is all in my own head and not the intention but possibly this is how MIL felt? The only way to know is to ask.

Because if I'd busted my balls to give them a lovely Christmas like the OP did, only to overhear them talking shit about me in my own home, like not even having the decency to wait until they'd left and be sure they couldn't be overheard, it'd be the last Christmas I ever spent with them.

In fact they'd be lucky to ever set foot in my house ever again.

I actually admore your restraint. I have adhd and I'd have had the red mist descend before they'd got to the end of the sentence. Even with a lifetime of trying to get some semblance of control, this would have been the step too far.

I think I possibly agree it might be a power issue, is she used to being the matriarch, who "does" Christmas?

Maybe have a chat and ask in a conversational way if they had a nice Christmas and what they usually do at home. Xxx It's nice to keep the peace and at least try to smooth things over.