Overhead conversation - wwyd?

[notlisteningwithmother]

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

Ask your DH first - if there's been something specific then it's likely he already knows what it is - and it's probably something small that he didn't even think worth mentioning.

If he's clueless then get him to talk to his parents. Better to know rather than let things fester.

Maybe not, but the words ruin Christmas are harsh and I would like to hear them explain themselves.

More than 'a bit rude' extremely rude. I am a little surprised at some of the comments, everyone is asking for more context and assuming that the ILs could have a point. I really don't think they do, they sound very difficult.

Were you grumpy though op? I agree with pp that my first thought was they knew you could hear them

I also think this is one to punt to DH.

I'd leave it be, especially as you haven't done anything to warrant this conversation. I actually wouldn't be bothered pandering to their strop if I'd gone to the effort you had - involving them in main decisions and made the walk accessible taking into consideration their needs.

Make other plans without them next year and if they challenge DH why - get him to relay the conversation to them. Enjoy you home and family with some peace when they leave - hope they don't live very close!

Do you or your dh folder able to gently ask them? You seem to otherwise have a good relationship going and it would be a shame to lose that through a misunderstanding.

Also, if they are older (certainly 70+) then literally any normal Christmas that wasn’t exactly the same as theirs or as expected could make them feel ”unwelcome” without it being any reflection on you

I think this is more to do with them than you.

They’ve been on your turf for quite a number of days: this in itself is too much. We can’t even have PIL to stay because our daily/circadian rhythms don’t match, we have to meet for short bursts on neutral territory otherwise everything falls apart. They are fairly stuck in their ways and have poor boundaries, in fairness.

I would get your DH to ask them why they didn’t enjoy their visit, and propose a far shorter visit in future.

On the basis that PIL feel that their Christmas has been ruined (strong thing to say), you should tell your DH what you heard and perhaps he should ask them? In your situation, if I had done nothing to warrant such a reaction from them there is no way I would ever host them again. Your DH needs to know that at least.

Judging by the sheer number of threads on here crying that 'Christmas is ruined' for the most insignificant things. I wouldn't be so quick to agree.
OP it really depends on what your DH and IL's are like.
My in-laws are very moody. Something innocuous can set them off one day but be perfectly fine the next. These days I do my best and don't worry.

Outside a bathroom door is an odd place to have a conversation. Surely people sit down to talk, why would they suddenly stop there especially as the shower must be audible?

I think they're trying to manipulate you, Get your DH onboard and don't fall for it.

I suspect this too, and if they did it thinking she would hear them, they are likely hoping op will either be too polite to bring it up or that she will go in guns blazing which will prove that op is not nice.

So ask nicely, and give no reaction to their reply apart from a head tilt and ’ok’.
Or get dh to ask. Sounds like op is not in the wrong here.

I wonder if they just prefer being the hosts. Do you usually go to them?

I wouldn't say anything to them, talk to DH (after they leave) about how he thinks it went then talk about what you overheard. Maybe it's just a case of people having different standards of what they consider welcoming but perhaps don't host next year and see if DH can find out what the issue is in a non-confrontational way. I think the thing is to present it as objectively as possible, eg if he can say to his mum '@notlisteningwithmother overheard you say you felt unwelcome at Christmas and she was upset to hear that as she was happy to have you and SIL here and thought things were going well?' Maybe then she'd give some details - which may be reasonable or unreasonable.

My MIL is very particular about how things are done and often find things 'rude' that other people just don't care about or even notice but I've learned not to worry about it.

Very odd.

I had similar issues with XPILS years ago, but to be fair, they weren’t fucking welcome (XMIL had encouraged me to abort DD because she didn’t want her poor DS being tied down- we were in our thirties!) so I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t give a shit.

Clearly OP you weren’t expecting this at all, so I would probably either discuss with DH, or store it away and avoid them as much as possible in future.

Similar happened to me once. PIL came to stay while we were living in a country they had not visited before. They took themselves off sightseeing while I did the usual schoolday routine with my two little ones aged 5 and 7. We had agreed what time supper was to be, and they had said they'd get back in plenty of time. Supper time came and went, and the LOs needed feeding and bed. So I cracked on with their supper and they arrived home late to see that the bedtime routine was well under way. They felt strongly that we should have waited for them to get home even though they had been unreachable on the phone so I had no idea how late they were going to be.

So, it could be something fairly innocuous that set them off. From the point where they feel they have not been made to feel welcome, things got a little stiff and frosty and no matter what I did it just got worse and worse.

Probably worth finding out what it was, because it may just ease your mind should you find it was something that meant nothing but that was misinterpreted.

I would want to know!

I'd tell my DP to be honest and ask a) what he made of it and b) make clear that it was going to be discussed with them.

If you've no indication of what exactly has caused this then there's no point second guessing your every movement in your own home. They are hardly acting decently sniping and slyly bitching about it on the landing in your home. With that being said I would try to keep the peace, but certainly would be clear that I heard that, DP is aware of it and we feel upset/sad that this has happened and that at no point has it been raised.

Don’t host them next year, if you ask why be honest.

*they

By then they will say op misheard and op will be made out to be unhinged. And, if op truly misheard then they’ll be gutted she never said anything.

Tired maybe. They went out to the midnight service and I stayed up till they got home, made mince pues and mulled wine ready for them. DC woke up early on Christmas morning so sleep was in short supply.

I also suspect they wanted you to hear which is a very pass-agg way to let someone know you're not happy. Speak to your DH about it and maybe he should ask them why they felt that way.
Have you had them for Xmas before? Could be they're just hard to please and you didn't roll out the red carpet enough or stopped them interfering with your plans? It's so hard to say but I think they're most likely rude and ungrateful. They could have saved their criticisms for the journey home.

First say nothing yourself to them at this stage
second, ask your husband if he felt they had a nice time, then tell him what you heard and get his take
then decide togther what to do.
ifvthis is out of character then

1. how old op? Is it at all possible that MIL as instigator, could be very early signs of Alzheimer’s - one off first symptoms isn’t memory loss necessary but included a general loss of inhibition. It also includes a heightened lack of distrust (early signs of paranoia which can be symptoms ). Seriously this is sort of thing my d dad said around 3 years before his diagnosis. Obviously if they’re only in 50s-60 this isn’t likely, but in Mid 70s could be a factor
2. if you know it’s not any sign of illness, you and dh need to have a “crucial conversation” in next couple of months with them. Look up crucial conversations on line. It’s a way to have a high stakes conversation with trust, so it doesn’t implode. Takes a bit of pre thinking but it is possible to address this by finding a common purpose ( you all went to get along without conflict and that they can feel comfortable in your home and vice versa) and then “tell your story”, ask them to tell you why they said what they did, don’t interrupt, listen carefully, then ask why, why, why until you get to real root cause. Work on solutions togther. You seem to want to fix this, even if you’re upset, and that’s the foundation to crucial conversations. Don’t do it now. Certainly don’t say anything while they’re leaving as someone suggested- that’s just nasty. If you want to resolve it, treat it like a problem to solve, and first step is trying to find out why they said what they said.

The first thing that just leaps out is the fact that they just happened to have that particular conversation right outside a bathroom that you just happened to be in, which makes me feel less inclined to think they're any kind of victim here.

I wouldn’t say anything to them but would tell DH. It sounds deliberate and manipulative when you have been nothing but welcoming.

Never mind though, there is an easy fix for this in the form of a local (or perhaps not quite so local) hotel. You can then limit your exposure next time.