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AIBU?

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Original poster

Overhead conversation - wwyd?

240 replies

notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 16:27

I'd just stepped out of the shower when MIL and FIL (staying with us for family Christmas) started to have an animated conversation outside the bathroom door. The gist was that they were pleased to be heading home because I'd made them feel unwelcome and unwanted and ruined their Christmas.

I could have opened the door at that point, but decided against fanning the flames and waited in the bathroom till I heard them go downstairs.

I didn't want Christmas to end with an argument. And I can't see any benefit in raising this with them when we next talk.

WWYD? Let sleeping dogs lie or ask for an explanation?

OP posts:
Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 17:43

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 17:13

Hmm I wouldn’t challenge an overhead conversation not intended to be heard
If you put them on the spot asking for an explanation they’ll probably deflect or deny as it’s more social acceptable. I suppose if challenged they could go for full reveal and explain their feelings.
On balance I’d not ask for explanation, it’s one of those things best left unpoked

I think that's where I'm heading. We have plans to meet in Feb for DH birthday and if they join us for that and there's no awkwardness then I'll assume that everything is fine. If they cancel, perhaps DH can ask if everything is okay in case something did go wrong this time.

OP posts:
shamebook · 29/12/2023 17:43

Unless they have form for being unreasonable/not very nice, I'd accept that I MAY have done something to upset them. Tell your husband and ask if he noticed anything. I don't think I'd raise it with them.

The fact you pulled 'grumpy' out so quickly, suggests you may have been.

MN has form for calling any kind of criticism 'victim blaming' - but in this case, with very limited information, having never met anyone involved, I'm leaning towards there being something behind it.

AnnaSewell · 29/12/2023 17:44

It seems ungracious. Some people are not good guests.

But if you have fed them and tried to make them comfortable and done some activities with them, they should be expressing gratitude. (It's reasonable for people also to feel glad to be going home at the end of a stay).

Maybe let the dust die down a bit. I think the air does need to be cleared, because I wouldn't feel able to host them again, without an explanation and apology.

commonsense61 · 29/12/2023 17:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 17:48

@appleofmyeye2023 thank you for asking. I don't know if there's an underlying concern but that is a reminder to be patient when / if conversation becomes more blunt

OP posts:
Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 17:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

No details of what might be behind this, and I can't think of anything obvious - other than trying to encourage MIL to take things easy - part of the reason we invited them here this year.

OP posts:
muggart · 29/12/2023 17:51

It doesn't really matter how many mice pies you made them or games you played with them if you were tired and grumpy around them. It's not really enough to host, you have to be a gracious host if you want your guests to have fun. I wonder if you were just a bit stressed out with all the hosting and they picked up on that? If that's the case and you didn't enjoy their stay because of all the work it entailed then its reasonable for them to feel unwelcome, even though it's clear you wouldn't want them to take it personally.

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 17:54

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 17:02

On reading your update I’d lean into the car as they’re about to drive off and say “it’s been lovely having you both, I’m sorry you didn’t feel the same, yes I heard the conversation outside the bathroom. I’m really sorry you feel that way but don’t worry, I won’t be spending any more Christmases with you again. Safe drove home, byeeeee”.

Really, why? That seems to me to be the worst possible way to handle it.

RandomMess · 29/12/2023 17:56

Maybe they prefer it their way at their house. Lots of people don't like change.

Zonder · 29/12/2023 17:59

Have you spoken to your DH about it?

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 18:02

No details of what might be behind this, and I can't think of anything obvious - other than trying to encourage MIL to take things easy - part of the reason we invited them here this year

I bet this is it , you telling MIL to take it easy had been interpreted as something different, maybe that you didn't want her to interfere or that she felt she couldn't do anything right.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 18:03

@muggart ”mice pies” might have been a catering faux pas… 😂

wombats78 · 29/12/2023 18:04

Unwelcome is that you sit at your in-laws, eyeing up the chocolate and biscuits on the table and don't get offered any at all and your mil puts a magazine over the open box on the table.

You made a load of effort, they are ungrateful.

Namechangeforthis11111 · 29/12/2023 18:08

It doesn’t sound like you had any edge or agenda, from the way you are speaking about them. It all sounds very nice and reasonable.

soggybottomedfruitcake · 29/12/2023 18:09

@wombats78 😂😩

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 18:10

Could your MiL have misconstrued take it easy, and rest, as stay out of my kitchen I don't want you there? Did you offer enough chocolate, snacks, and alcohol?

Soozikinzii · 29/12/2023 18:10

I think you did your best . Giving them time with their son etc . I would discuss it calmly with him after they've gone . But I definitely wouldn't be Hosting in the same way ever again . All go out for a meal or just have one night together. Christmas become a massive PiA . I like to think I get on with my DS DiL and GCs but I was glad when they went after a one night stop over . It can all get a bit much.

Original poster
notlisteningwithmother · 29/12/2023 18:12

I really don't remember being grumpy or ungracious. I'm not sure why that was an odd comment to make.

Any one of us could have expressed frustration at an inanimate object only for that to be heard in another room as a comment directed at a specific person. I have on occasion told our washing machine to shut up if it was beeping away merrily during dinner. (Not Christmas dinner, in case you're wondering!)

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 29/12/2023 18:12

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 17:02

On reading your update I’d lean into the car as they’re about to drive off and say “it’s been lovely having you both, I’m sorry you didn’t feel the same, yes I heard the conversation outside the bathroom. I’m really sorry you feel that way but don’t worry, I won’t be spending any more Christmases with you again. Safe drove home, byeeeee”.

I definitely would not do this!

Cantalever · 29/12/2023 18:13

Is there any chance they said this right outside the bathroom you were in, so that you would hear it? Are they underhand or manipulative generally? if so, ignore it and don't ask them again.

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 29/12/2023 18:16

Perhaps your eagerness to look after them, and to not have help with things came across as a bit snippy? Did MIL keep trying to help, and you keep telling her it’s fine, you don’t need help. I know it can get frustrating when you’re all organised and someone keeps butting in, and create more work. I also know that my frustration is very open and probably looks like stroppy!

SALWARP2023 · 29/12/2023 18:18

I'd be glad not to have them stay again ever.

staplefusion · 29/12/2023 18:20

Yeah they are weird

bellocchild · 29/12/2023 18:22

Was their conversation deliberately to be overheard? Sort of moaning most people do in the car on the way home...

soggybottomedfruitcake · 29/12/2023 18:22

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 29/12/2023 18:16

Perhaps your eagerness to look after them, and to not have help with things came across as a bit snippy? Did MIL keep trying to help, and you keep telling her it’s fine, you don’t need help. I know it can get frustrating when you’re all organised and someone keeps butting in, and create more work. I also know that my frustration is very open and probably looks like stroppy!

My pil from the other side of the world stayed with us for Christmas for 3 wks years ago. I kept telling mil to sit down, take it easy etc. But in the end my dh gently told me that mil was a bit bored. She wanted to help out, shop and cook etc. I thought I was being nice, but now 20 years later I can kind of see her side too.. I’m glad we talked though!