Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

542 replies

stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 13:55

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 29/12/2023 13:58

Yes I would raise the topic of selling the house you’ve been very reasonable waiting to give him time to grieve and has obviously moved on now

LlynTegid · 29/12/2023 13:59

To ask someone to leave the house and presumably live with the new woman in his life after what could be just a year seems a harsh thing to do.

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 13:59

It al depends what your mums will said with regards to the house. Did it state he could continue to live there and were there any conditions around his living there?

Out of interest does he pay rent? Who pays to maintain the property?

Linnty · 29/12/2023 14:00

Depends what your mum’s will says. He might have the right to live there for the foreseeable.
Mine’s a second marriage. I own the house outright. If I die before my husband he has the right to live there for rest of his life before house is sold and proceeds divided up.

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:02

LlynTegid · 29/12/2023 13:59

To ask someone to leave the house and presumably live with the new woman in his life after what could be just a year seems a harsh thing to do.

We wouldn't ask him to live with the new woman (unless that's what he wants to do), we would just ask that he take the money he would gain from the sale of the house and find a new setup. He is not exactly tight for cash himself, but does not currently pay any rent or anything of the sort to my brother/me/anyone. He pays his own utilities while he continues to live in that house.

OP posts:
FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 29/12/2023 14:02

You clearly don’t like him and this is clouding your view. It depends what the will said.

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 14:02

Linnty · 29/12/2023 14:00

Depends what your mum’s will says. He might have the right to live there for the foreseeable.
Mine’s a second marriage. I own the house outright. If I die before my husband he has the right to live there for rest of his life before house is sold and proceeds divided up.

Does he also have to maintain the property or do the people who will eventually inherit it have to pay for the upkeep of a house for years and years?

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:03

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 29/12/2023 14:02

You clearly don’t like him and this is clouding your view. It depends what the will said.

Untrue. I think he's an incredibly nice man who supported mum at a time when she felt lonely, and then stuck around when she became ill. It doesn't change the fact that I think she would have been incredibly disappointed at him meeting someone new within 18 months of her dying.

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 14:03

If he doesn’t want to leave the house ask him to buy you and your brother out.

LadyScarlett · 29/12/2023 14:04

Check the will. Under those circumstances ie you own 80%, I'd want to sell and I would be looking to do that.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 14:05

He’s entitled to move on.

I’d want a plan for selling the house, but I’d take the will to a solicitor to see where you stand

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:05

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 14:03

If he doesn’t want to leave the house ask him to buy you and your brother out.

I think this is the tactic we would go for first, but I think he will say no as the house is worth quite a bit of money and he is unlikely to be able to afford it. However, we can offer it to him.

OP posts:
Solongtoshort · 29/12/2023 14:05

When my friend died in Feb 2021 her husband of 30 years moved on within 6 months and got married in March this year.I felt betrayal for her and their 7 children.

l was talking about a similar situation with friends the other week and apparently the happier the marriage the faster man move on, there’s been a study about it.

l know that doesn’t give an answer to your question sorry.

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:06

Solongtoshort · 29/12/2023 14:05

When my friend died in Feb 2021 her husband of 30 years moved on within 6 months and got married in March this year.I felt betrayal for her and their 7 children.

l was talking about a similar situation with friends the other week and apparently the happier the marriage the faster man move on, there’s been a study about it.

l know that doesn’t give an answer to your question sorry.

No worries, it's just nice to hear other perspectives!

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 29/12/2023 14:07

You really do need to see the Will, don't you? If your mum gave him the right to carry on living there, you might not be anything you can do about it.

19lottie82 · 29/12/2023 14:08

You need to have a discussion with him and try to reach an agreement. If this isn’t possible then you need a solicitor.

Chasingsquirrels · 29/12/2023 14:09

How was your mum's share of the house held (joint tenants or tenants in common) and if tenants in common how was it left in her will (assuming her will was dated after her marriage or made in anticipation of the marriage).

If it was held as a joint tenant, then becomes her husbands on her death.

Sorry, you said in the OP it is protected and you own it.
Does he have a life tenancy?

Sirzy · 29/12/2023 14:10

I think you need to separate your feelings on him moving on with his life (would you really want him to be alone?) and the house.

if you and your brother both agree it’s time to look at separating ownership then you need to see what the will says and get advice appropriately on how best to deal with things. What will happen with his share when he dies?

Gonkers · 29/12/2023 14:12

You need to remove the new partner element from this conversation, as it’s not really relevant. I’m sure - if your mum loved him - she’d want him to be happy. Men often move on faster than women.

The real issue is your inheritance. You should get legal advice but you are very much not unreasonable to want to liberate the cash in the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 14:13

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

It doesn't change the fact that I think she would have been incredibly disappointed at him meeting someone new within 18 months of her dying.

It's shocking to me how you and your brother are judging this man because he's in a relationship. Your mother has died, he isn't cheating on her, FGS. Would it make you happy if he were single and lonely for five years? Would that be enough for you?

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2023 14:13

The steps you can take depend entirely on what the will said, and how the house was owned.
I assume her estate has gone through probate> If so, you can find the will online for a nominal cost. You can also check on the ownership of the house again for a small fee.
Here are the links:
https://probatesearch.service.gov.uk/
https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry

Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

https://probatesearch.service.gov.uk/

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:13

Sirzy · 29/12/2023 14:10

I think you need to separate your feelings on him moving on with his life (would you really want him to be alone?) and the house.

if you and your brother both agree it’s time to look at separating ownership then you need to see what the will says and get advice appropriately on how best to deal with things. What will happen with his share when he dies?

I just want to clarify my thoughts here, as I think some are reading between the lines a little too much about my relationship with SF.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to eventually move on to a new partner, in fact I would be upset for him if he didn't
I do think my mum would've been surprised and probably disappointed in how quickly this transpired
I do think if he's met a new partner, he's now at the stage where it's time to move on from the house

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 29/12/2023 14:14

Hold on - if he bought it with your mum, he's not living in her house, he's living in THEIR house. Which is a rather different proposition.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 14:17

harriethoyle · 29/12/2023 14:14

Hold on - if he bought it with your mum, he's not living in her house, he's living in THEIR house. Which is a rather different proposition.

Exactly. If his name is on the deeds, it's his house.

Original poster
stepparentdilemma2023 · 29/12/2023 14:18

harriethoyle · 29/12/2023 14:14

Hold on - if he bought it with your mum, he's not living in her house, he's living in THEIR house. Which is a rather different proposition.

Matter of semantics - the house is theirs jointly, but in the absence of my mum, my brother and I own a 40% stake each and he owns a 20% stake. I referred to it as "mum's home" as that's what I see it as, the home where my mum lived. My brother and I would still refer to it as "going round to mum's" if we've had any reason to e.g. pick up post or visit SF or whatever

OP posts: