Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

Your SF may be willing to move on and out (not necessarily with the new GF) in which case he needs a new place of his own, possibly downsizing. Will his 20% + share of pension get him a new home? Does he still work?

If anything happens to me I hope dh finds companionship and 18 months is completely fine - the world is a bloody lonely place on your own and I wouldn’t wish that in anyone. I think you’re being hugely unfair.

re the house, it depends on the wording in the will but absolutely have a conversation. You could angle it as “I’m really glad you’ve found a way to move on and have company and db and I would like to move forward too so we would like to discuss timescales for putting the house on the market so we can honour mum’s wishes and use her money as she’d wanted, in particular for db’s wedding.”

Separate to comments about the will, just on his “moving on”…

I’m married to a widower who didn’t date for 5 years after his first wife died. He knows a lot of widowed people, from support groups. For a man, 5 years is definitely longer than average. I don’t like the idea of telling someone what is and isn’t a “long enough” time, but I don’t think anyone would argue that 5 years is it.

So now he’s 10 years on, started dating, and eventually married me 8 years after her death.

He has “moved on”. But he’s just spent Xmas with his 2 adult sons swapping the usual stories about, “when you woke mum at 02:00 to ask if Santa had been and she stalled you whilst I pretended to go to the loo and move the presents” etc. And he cried last year when his son graduated because she wasn’t there for it. He never says “moved on” but “moved forward” - he will never stop loving her, and never stop grieving the loss, in some way. Being ready to date someone new doesn’t mean your late partner is forgotten.

Hate people who judge bereaved partners for 'moving on too fast'.

If I died, my partner would be devastated. I really hate the thought of that. I would want him to find happiness and comfort as soon as possible. Within a few months, frankly.

I also hate people who refer to 'my/'our' house in regards to their parents' homes. Grabby.

They owned a house together. He's still alive. Yet the OP, who seems to have no idea what her mother's will actually says, seems to think it's her own house.

hmmmmm @LuluBlakey1 .

Try and understand the motivation; as the OP and her brother own 80% of an asset only SF is enjoying at the moment it's absolutely reasonable for them to explore options, which is what they are intending to do, respectfully and with tact.

OP, as it's quite a delicate situation I wouldn't make any approaches to SF without a solicitor's advice - and a back up plan in case he says he doesn't want to sell / buy you out / move.

I don't think it's unusual for people to move on quickly. I was amazed when my sil had a new b/f within 6 months of her much loved dh dying. But it didn't mean she didn't still love him, she was lonely and had been reminded that life was short and for living.

No it isn't. She can not restrict him having a relationship. She can say 'He has a right to live in the house for the rest of his life or until he re-marries'. However, this man owns 20 % of the house and the dead wife can not decree what he does with that 20%. She can not force a sale on that- it is his.
The children can sell their 80%- they will find it impossible.

Was there a legal 80:20 split ownership of the house or was this just an understanding between the two of them?

Yep! Let's kick the man out of his home so we can have some money!

Same happened to me but i realised he still loved my mum but he was getting on with his life. Thats ok. Takes a lot of getting your head around but he is entitled to happiness again

If you need your share ask him to either buy you out or come to an arrangement he has probably got the right to live there until his death so you will have to suck that up im afraid. He also has the right to invite whoever he wants into that house you dont have any say

Bite your tongue and keep contact with him. Much easier to get a good outcome if you maintain a good relationship with him (and any future girlfriends )

If it was me, I'd contact a solicitor to look over her will. I feel like your solicitor could send a letter asking if he'd rather buy you out, or sell the house to release the 80% share for those intended. We're in a similar situation. My mil died 6 years ago, her 50% goes to her children. However her 2nd husband is still living there. Everyone was happy for him to be living there, until he met someone new. She stays there once a week, for a couple of nights. He looks fit as a fiddle and could live another 30 years! She could potentially move into the house for 30 years!

Only a solicitor can advise having seen the details of both the will and the title of the house.

Presumable the house is tenants in common, presuming there is nothing in the will giving him the right to remain, and he won't leave, you would have to petition the court for an "order for sale".

The court would then have to look at the purpose of the trust when it was formed (tenants in common is considered a type of trust) - if that was to provide a home for SF, they may well grant him leave to remain for his life or as long as he wishes - an order for sale is not guaranteed and an expensive process.

But only a lawyer can tell you for sure based on what is written down.

@stepparentdilemma2023 you are not coming across well- I hope this is not the case irl.

As a poster has said, these are the important things: WHAT THE WILL SAYS about a life interest in mum's 80%. I will be surprised IF this was not included as clearly (although you see it very wrongly) mum and SF, EACH, enabled the other to own THAT HOUSE. so it is their house and not mum's- sorry.

Second, what the will says about when either gets a new partner, after the other's death. I do not think you would have liked mum to be shoved out of the house, even is her share was the 20%, just because she got a new partner. So please don't make this as your yard stick approach to this issue regardless of what the will says.

Finally, any judge will stick with SF (60/40) so you and DB's odds are lower IF you don't handle this correctly.

Another point is, mum got aggressive cancer- so absolutely NO reason I can see that stopped mum from changing her will if she wanted to. I know I would have changed mine, if I had your outcome in mind.

2018 to 2022 IS NOT a short time as you want to make it. A short time is a year or 2. Plus, Sf clearly had to deal with your mum and her aggressive cancer whilst you were abroad (and regardless of where you were). That requires compassion from your side.

Also, where is/ was your dad in all this? Why NO mention of him- it makes your intentions all suspicious. Yes, you sound bitter!

If I died I would want my partner to move on, be happy and find love again. So I think you are unreasonable there and need to work that through in your mind before letting it colour your next move.

You also don’t know for sure what the will says, what the percentages involved are or what his right to remain is specified as. So I think you are unreasonable there too.

Find out what the will says, get your head round a man on his own having a right to find happiness when it happens to come along, and then, if it’s appropriate, have a sensible and gentle conversation in the New Year about a timeline for him to buy you out or for you all to sell up and move on.

OP, why don't you or your brother have any clue whether your SD has a life long interest or not?

How long ago was the will read?

I get it OP. Maybe part of your closure is to see the house sold so you and your DB can also move on.

You can be pleased for your SF finding someone else and still want your inheritance. It all depends if he has a life interest to live there or not and this will be in the will.

I would broach the subject with him.

Unfortunately if he is not in a position to buy you both out and if he has a life interest and does not want to sell you cannot make him.

This is also you're most sensible post. Unfortunately a bunch of people on a forum can't tell you what to do in this situation as it's entirely based on what the will says and what rights your SF has to continue living in the house.

Kindly - your feelings about how quickly he has moved on with a new relationship - and in fact how much you'd like to release the asset as cash for yourself and brother are irrelevant.

Hopefully the solicitor your brother has approached will be able to advise properly.

When my mum died, my dad was in a new relationship within a year. I did not like it one bit to be frank. Not helped by the fact that the women he met had the same name as my mum did. It is difficult to put into words how it made me feel, but in essence I felt like I was still grieving and he was not. He was at the shiny and new stage of a new relationship.

Yet rationally I know that the problem here was mine, not his. I would rather see my DD happy than the alternative which was to crumble away, which I have seen people do when they loose a long term partner. I made a special effort to make his new partner welcome and they had 15 years of a good life together.

In terms of the house and your SD, this depends on the will. Does he have a life interest in the property, i.e. is he allowed to use it for the rest of his lifetime? If not then I think there needs to a discussion on a timescale to move out. I would suggest roughly 12 months to find somewhere new and release the property for you and your brother. I think this is generous and reflects your mother's clear wishes- that you and your brother had access to funds when you need them, which is now.

You seem reticent about actually checking the will.

It's likely that he allowed to live there until death or unless he remarried.

I find it incredible, and unbelievable, that a beneficiary to a will doesn't know the contents of the will. It's the executors duty to inform beneficiaries, and to keep details of disbursements. I can only assume that probate has either not been gone through or that it has and it's within the 12 months after that, meaning the estate has not been distributed

@ReallyAgainReally “Finally, any judge will stick with SF (60/40) so you and DB's odds are lower IF you don't handle this correctly.”

Where are you getting 60/40 from?
Judges don’t get to make up percentages.

This is easy to answer. It was all triggered by 'new partner' in the pic as OP 'knows' clearly mum would be disappointed. Most loving people are HAPPY the other got someone else so soon after their untimely death. Only kids with one thing on their mind, (money), mind. Squire that one.

It's been 5 years and he is in a new relationship.

@stepparentdilemma2023 totally reasonable for you to raise selling the house if you need to release funds. Sounds as though he will have a nice profit on the 20% since 2018. Better to get it sorted while he is able to move.

I find it incredible, and unbelievable, that a beneficiary to a will doesn't know the contents of the will.

Me too.

You can apply for a copy of the will here https://probatesearch.service.gov.uk/#wills I would do this and make sure you understand what the set up is before doing anything.

I think people have given you a hard time here unfairly because of the linking of his new relationship and selling the house. In fact, it sounds as if you have good financial reasons to want to sell and have been holding off out of respect. But that can't carry on forever.

Once you know the exact arrangements in the will, you'll be better placed to start a conversation about it. As PP said, it's important not to link any of it to his new relationship or what your mum might have felt about it- that's irrelevant and might sour discussions. You really need him on side as he's resident there and could make it practically impossible to sell. One option might be to offer to sell to him at a small discount.