Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

You don't know this for sure though do you? Perhaps she wouldn't want him to be lonely in his old age?

Besides, life is for those of us left living.

Do you think your mum might also be incredibly disappointed that you want him out of his home, so you and your brother can get some money?

Just a thought.

Get the fucker out asap, OP!

@stepparentdilemma2023 it really isn't semantics. You're trying to force him out of a house he has part ownership of.

The 'fucker' who the OP says is an incredibly nice man who supported her mum at a time when she felt lonely, and then stuck around when she became ill?

That fucker?

You can judge him as much as you like but that still doesn’t change the situation. Making this about the fact he is daring to live his life is unfair.

Knowing mum, I can hazard a guess on her feelings at him moving on so quickly. I think it's unfair to frame this as a cash grab - we now have financial interest in the property which we hope to free up.

OP you will need to broach this carefully as you are all owners of the house, this man plus you and your brothers. So whilst legally you can force him to sell, in reality he can make life difficult. Digging his heels in on the paperwork, putting off buyers etc

I'd literally approach him and explain that you both are experiencing some financial needs and that you'd like to discuss what is going to happen to the house as " clearly you can't stay there forever with us owning the majority share". So ask has he given it any thought as to what he wants to do. Do not make reference to his new gf or anything like that. That's not relevant. It's been a decent amount of time since your mum passed and if she made no mention of wanting him to stay on in the house then basically you are in the position of just closing off the remainder of the will. It makes no sense for you to part own the house with this man living there and so you either need to sell and split or he buys you out.
I'd keep all emotional responses re gf out of the conversation. It's just that you need to tidy up this remainder of the estate

These threads actually disgust me, where the deceased's family start rubbing their hands together at the thought of the money, and are willing to see a (presumably ageing) person have to move from their own home in order for them to get their hands on it.

And you say you think your mum would've been disappointed in him OP?

I would advise making an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the situation as it is now and could be in the future.

If he marries his new partner, that could make for an even more complex situation from your perspective.

You will find it easier to make the decisions which are right for you when you have all the information you need.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Asking him to sell up just because he has a new partner feels mean.

judging someone for moving on at a speed you are not comfortable with is also not on. You are not him, and moving on may have nothing to do with how he felt about your mum. Interpreting your dead mothers thoughts is not facts.

take the emotion out of it. Before all this what were your intentions about the property?

Id be getting some legal advice pronto

100% but I can’t say I’m surprised

Eighteen months is a very decent amount of time from your mum’s death. You only get one mum. He gets to have more than one partner. Your mum shouldn’t feel upset. Some people, especially men move on fast. I have read people, who were happy with their deceased partner / spouse tend to move on quickly as they try to recreate a new and happy relationship to mirror the one they lost. This may be the case with your friend’s dh @Solongtoshort albeit it is distressing for others around.

As for the house, you need to see exactly what provision has been made for him in the will. On paper and considering that your mum and him only moved to the house a few years ago and it was possible for him to house himself beforehand, it would be appropriate to broach the subject.

Thank you, this is really sound advice. I think something people on both sides of the argument will be able to agree on is that discussion of the new gf should stay out of the conversation, although it would be dishonest of me to say it wasn't something of a trigger for the conversation.

we now have financial interest in the property which we hope to free up.

Oh yes, you've made that abundantly clear.

Cautionary tale, when DH's Mum died she left the house to his stepfather in the will and "wished" that it would go to her DC on his death. He then remarried in under 12 months and moved said new wife in. He then changed his will to leave the house in its entirety to HIS children and not a penny went to DH and his sister. DH's Mum had bought and paid for it with her divorce settlement, this man had nothing when he came into the marriage. Stepfather's DC inherited over £800k worth of property, and there was nothing that DH could do....

Not all stepfathers are decent men.

Again. What did the will say??

Is he allowed to live there for the rest of his life? (Possibly under certain conditions) or what?

You can't normally just decide to sell

Get legal advice

Spot on @MrsPinkSky

OP as several posters have asked, but you haven’t replied, it really depends on your Mum’s will. If she has said that her share is to be passed on to you and your brother whenever you want it, then you can start the process to force a sale. But if she has said that her share is to be inherited by you and your bother, but that your SF can live there as long as he wants, then there’s nothing you can do. Which one was it?

I think at the very least he should be paying you rent for the 80% of the house he doesn't own.

Why is he a ‘fucker’?

What was the provision in the will though? Was it written that he had the right to stay there until his death etc? This is the usual format.

How old is he?

How long does he need to be on his own before you deem it 'acceptable' for him to find someone else?

I am glad you feel able to make value judgments online about an individual you have never met.

SF is not "ageing" (if, by that, you mean elderly), he could live another 40 years if he went the way of his parents - precisely why conversations like this are occurring as we could get 10/20/30/40 years down the line, and find that SF has remarried, moved on entirely, we no longer visit, and yet he is still sat on a financial asset which we have a stake in.

That's not how it works.