Late mum's husband has new partner - still living in mum's home

[stepparentdilemma2023]

Hi all

Bit of a backstory, my mum remarried a new guy (stepfather - SF) in 2018. They subsequently bought a house together, which mum paid about 80% and him about 20% of, that same year.

Mum sadly was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and died relatively quickly in May 2022. SF received a third of her pension in the will, which already raised eyebrows among me and my brother (mum's only children), but mum's investment into the house was protected, so we still own her share.

Since mum died, SF has continued living in the house, which has increased in value quite dramatically since 2018. He has had one of his adult children, who is a bit of a tearaway, living there on off (in life, the adult child was not allowed to stay at the house by my mum as he had been involved in drug debt and had had a brick put through the window of his own mother's house, as well as being briefly kidnapped (!!) to pay off the debt).

We have maintained generally cordial relations with SF, and had arranged via WhatsApp to see him this Christmas when my brother noticed his WhatsApp picture was a photo of him and a new woman. When we eventually did go for our Christmas meetup yesterday at the house, his wedding ring was off, several photographs of mum had been taken down, and he confessed he had been seeing a new woman for a number of months.

Brother is very disappointed as previously SF had gone on about how mum was his soulmate, he'd never love another, etc... only to enter a relationship with someone new in just over a year.

I'm not sure how I feel, because I was never as close to SF in the first place, but I do know I think my mum would've been quite upset at how quickly (in the grand scheme of things) this had all come about.

FWIW, the new woman lives independently to him (as far as we know), is apparently quite wealthy (he's landed on his feet again!) and has two children of her own.

AIBU to now think that if SF has moved on with his life to the extent he is comfortable enough to take off his wedding ring and meet a new woman, that it is time we take back the house and sell?

My brother is getting married in 2025 and could do with some funds for that, and I have had a couple of my own financial issues this year so am now at a stage where the money would be hugely beneficial.

Sorry it was a long one!

You can make no decision as to how to handle this until you know the exact terms of her will.

If she has left him a 'life interest' you may not be able to over ride that. But you could seek legal advice as to how to negotiate him out. She may have left a 'life interest' with conditions, e.g until he decides to move or co-habit or marry or for a certain number of years.

Without this knowledge talk of what can be done with the house is just speculation and guesswork.

As to the emotional ramifications, of course you feel very uncomfortable watching him inhabit the house in ways that your Mum would not have liked (his ds) or that exacerbate your grief over the loss of your Mum - of course him seeing someone else will cause your loyalty to arise.

It might not be rational or reasonable, but it is wholly understandable on an emotional level.

That is not the case if the mother said differently re the selling the house and using the total funds to buy a new one.

Speaking as a widow, your Mum will be happy he's found love again. There is no set timeline for grief, it doesn't mean he feels any less for your Mum, grief and love can coexist alongside one another.

Incredibly cold message. You seem unpleasant.

Well until you know what's in the Will, you CANNOT POSSIBLY know what is reasonable or unreasonable. I sympathise with your shock OP but honestly, what a waste of time this post was.

You absolutely need to check what the will says. Most say that the spouse can remain in the house until they die, and if that’s the case you can’t do anything. Before you start asking him to move out / sell up you need to look at the will. I can’t believe you both haven’t considered what it says by now, surely that would be a priority knowing what the terms are?

This.

I personally wouldn't bank on receiving your inheritance any time soon. It would be unusual for him NOT to have been given a life's interest.

If you're not clear on the terms of the will, how can you be sure you featured at all? Because you were told? Maybe your DM changed her will and left the house to him?

You just have to wait to sew the will

I dont think this thread will help you until you have the will reviewed and be clear on what your legal Obligations are.

Whatever time he chooses to meet someone else only reflects the fact that he intends to meet someone else and given he doesn't seem you have been in your lives for very long the. Your relationship will thin

So it would be an appropriate time to broach an end state to be agreed at xx timeframe, to be bought out, to sell etc etc

@Aquamarine1029 that is so horrible. Do you understand feelings? How mean! The OP is thinking of her mother, and she and her brother are understandably a little hurt.

Under the circumstances I’d have him out as quick as possible.

If you inherited a share of the house you must know what proportion each owns. Who was the executor? Does SF have a life interest in living there? Is it conditional on circumstances? The will should be available online if probate was granted.

OP if your mother died in May 2022 why have you not looked at her will yet? It's well over 18 months ago.

Edited: you said in the opening post that your SF was left 1/3 of your DM's pension. So you do know exactly what the will says. What does it say?

And how is the house held? Joint tenants or tenants in common (preferably the latter)? You can find that out from the Land Registry.

OP did your mum make her wishes clear about your step-father living in the property after her death or not? Who is the executor of her will? Often it would be someone like you or your brother which is why I am surprised you are not being clear about what you know of your mother's wishes.

Either way, if you want your money now you will have to go down a legal route to force a sale while he is alive and living in the property. That will be an adversarial process that is likely to lead to conflict with your step-father as well as adding legal costs into the mix. Your choice.

Personally I think that it is highly likely that your mum would want your step-father to stay in the house until he passed or had to go into care. That is what most reasonable spouses would want. I would therefore suggest that, in the absence of an express declaration of wishes that that would be the course of action to take, ensuring that your share of the property is protected of course.

So, you're certain that you and your brother have an 80% share and believe that your mum's will may have stipulated her husband could only continue staying in their marital home if he did not start a new relationship?

It’s quite possible your mother hasn’t done an expression of wishes. The type of people that do, also tend to have the foresight talk to their spouse and children too.

In any case, it’s not legally binding. So what if she says, “I’d like my children to allow my late husband a reasonable grieving period before requesting their money” but doesn’t tell you in exact terms what she thinks of him dating?

I’ve heard this too! Apparently it’s because there‘s no unfinished business.

OK. If he bought the house with your mum, regardless of shares it has been their home and presumably wasn't yours as children. So I think I would have some sensitivity towards that. It is his home that you're going to be asking him to leave and it was never yours.

I personally don't care when my husband finds someone new after I have died - it could only mean that our relationship made him happy and he wanted to find that again. I know it must hurt to think of your mum being hurt, but without meaning to be brutal, she can't be hurt by it now - whatever anyone believes about what happens after death, it's the ultimate form of moving on.

Notwithstanding the above, there is nothing morally wrong with wanting to realise your inheritance. I just think your discussions will go better if you approach them with sensitivity to the effect (forcing him to leave if he can't buy you out) and the history (of it having been a happy home for him in a way that it wasn't for you) and without resentment of him for starting to date again.

You don't know this.

If her mum instructed that he had the right to remain there for life before her share passed to OP and her brother then she isn't entitled to any rent.

OP you say you were based abroad when the will was read and executed, but surely your brother was there?

Why does he need to ask a solicitor to go over it in order to tell you whether your SD has a lifelong interest??

Surely he'd know this? And if he doesn't, why not just text your SD and ask, while you're waiting for the solicitor?

It's 18 months since OPS mum died and he's admitted being in the new relationship some months, so not really done much grieving before moving on and only met mother in 2018. OP says mum was lonely when her mum met him and he was nice, was she ill back then ,did he marry a lonely sick woman and only put a small amount in the property they owned?
The real question is,did mum have a will or was it just agreed that her and her brother would inherit her 80% stake?
If there's no will then frankly they're screwed , the marital home goes to the widow/widower unless you've got some pretty good proof of mums intentions . Can you also find the will, he could have destroyed it.
My late father in law was separated from his 2nd wife 10 years, but on his death she got the lot as they were still married. The solicitor told my husband and his 2 brothers the fact they were divorced was irrelevant, there was no evidence of any intent to divorce.
The cruel part if this was that my late father in law hated his stepson who will ultimately get everything.
Yes money does get grubby when folks die, but those profiting undeservedly quite understandably causes great emotional distress. Ultimately its quite often not about the money but a sense of betrayal .I should add that FIL left no will.

From experience men don't do well on their own when a partner dies. Life is short OP and whilst I'd feel the same, you cannot expect him to be alone for the rest of his life.

It will be interesting to see what the will says. I'd prepare myself for him having a lifetime interest in that house especially as she left him part of her pension.

I'm am in a similar situation but with my step mother. She knew dad for 10 years before he died and is significantly younger. She is living in our house, has retired early and is living life to the full whilst we could do with the money. There is nothing we can do about it and need to suck it up.

You need level advice. Essentially, you and your brother can force a sale or he should be paying you rent at 80% of the market value.

I'd prepare myself for him having a lifetime interest in that house especially as she left him part of her pension

Yes I suspect this will be the case and she probably didn't think ahead enough to say "until he has a new wealthy partner".

This is going to sound incredibly harsh

"I do think my mum would've been surprised and probably disappointed in how quickly this transpired"

but you have no right at all to say this, and absolutely no right at all to let it influence what he should or shouldnt be doing in or with what is partly his house.

That's rather naive. Property does not increase its value better than investments spread evenly across the market such as broadly based index funds. Different to them, it comes with a considerable cluster risk. In other words, OP and her brother currently have all of their eggs in a single basket - a basket that has presumably lost in value since then inherited and stands at high risk of depreciating even further.