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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband GOT UP

343 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:21

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 29/12/2023 11:12

PuddlesPityParty · 29/12/2023 09:39

Dunno OP, most women on here with WFH husbands seem to think them working in the house is really annoying and that they should go elsewhere to work since the home is their home not workplace. I do get it, I’m hybrid and value WFH but ultimately the home is a home and things happen there that will cause disruption. Although him asking you to make a cuppa was dickish if you were working.

Op states in a later post that she was standing there making a cup of tea when he came in the room, it was her that was being dickish if she resents making a cup of tea for someone when she is stood there making a cup of tea. It would have taken about 5 seconds to pour a second cup.

Justia · 29/12/2023 11:14

Yep @BlackWhiteWhatNow

I am definitely getting neurodiverse vibes, in your first post you’re going on about the bedroom being cold, your routine being disrupted and the sound of your husband’s breathing and drinking tea driving you mad….

then in a later post you say

“my role is designed, by me, over many years, partly as an excuse to avoid people…. All the family, all their weirdness, all up in my face for whole days and nights”

If you have a diagnosis great! If not, get one! It will afford you access to support and accommodations, such as access to individual, quiet work and study spaces which can be used as an intermediary measure.

If you can afford it, and he won’t build a shed, buy one, or convert the garage.

Good luck!

Ger1atricMillennial · 29/12/2023 11:16

Yeah, I get your frustration, but honestly you are in the slight wrong here.

Need to sort out somewhere elese to be!

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 11:16

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 11:05

@Brefugee then you're not paying attention. The husband is just as much of an issue as the kids.

locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc

You're right. Imagine if I turned up at his construction job when he was laying a patio or something and started randomly showing him youtube videos

So his unexpected presence when he normally sleeps in and she had made plans to work came on top of all that. Hence the overreaction.

I'm paying plenty of attention. OP only has this problem when they are home. When DH is working he is on a building site.

She's also said that she was actually in the process of making tea when he asked. That isn't (under normal circs) an unreasonable request. It, understandably given the situation OP found herself in, annoyed her. And she recognised it as UR.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 11:17

but i am seeing a pattern in the responses.
Which is interesting.

Lndnmummy · 29/12/2023 11:21

I hear you. Same here

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/12/2023 11:23

I just find it extraordinary how easily infuriated many people seem to be by the most minor, everyday things. And how many people can't function or focus on anything unless everything about their surroundings is precisely how they want it, with nobody breathing, moving, making the slightest sound or daring to speak to them. Unless you are ND, it's frankly ridiculous and shows a total lack of resilience and concentration.

Marmaladegin · 29/12/2023 11:26

Drat. Got mineral (dark blue) medium carnaby purse but was hoping for small cross body purse/ paddington. Swaps anyone?

Also got gorgeous snakeprint but alas small rucksack that I'm still pondering

Husband GOT UP
Marmaladegin · 29/12/2023 11:28

Wrong thread! @mumsnet can you move this to the roka thread please!

Echobelly · 29/12/2023 11:31

How very dare he get up?! 😉

No, I get feeling frustrated when you thought you'd have a clear morning and especially after Christmas. Sometimes when I WFH in winter DH insists on coming into the (tiny) spare room I work from because it's warm and he usually works in the lounge which is large and chilly. I can't stand him being in there because it's really not a 2-person room and sometimes he sits on the floor taking up all the available floorspace and blocking the door. But he gets really butthurt if I ask him to leave plus it's hard to ask if it's really cold and I have the one really warm room. We have tonnes of space in the house but the wifi only tends to work well at the back, frustratingly.

MintyCedric · 29/12/2023 11:31

Yeah but what if after you made it he sat there and drank it loudly in front of you

You sound so like me it’s scary! No DH here but I only have to look at teenage DD when she walks I tot he the room slurping/munching and she just silently reverses out!

Do you have a Brewhouse pub near you?

https://www.brewhouseandkitchen.com/

For a tenner you can park up for the day with a socket and free Wi-Fi, unlimited hot drinks and lunch (posh sandwich and chips or a salad type of thing). Stick your headphones in and you’ll be undisturbed for as long as you like.

I used to be freelance and even with a home office sometimes it was just easier to be in a different space.

Brewhouse & Kitchen - Microbrewery and British Pub

B&K - Microbrewery and British Pub. We offer delicious brews brewed in house and dishes from our kitchen to match. Enquire today about our B&K Experience.

https://www.brewhouseandkitchen.com/

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 11:34

MintyCedric · 29/12/2023 11:31

Yeah but what if after you made it he sat there and drank it loudly in front of you

You sound so like me it’s scary! No DH here but I only have to look at teenage DD when she walks I tot he the room slurping/munching and she just silently reverses out!

Do you have a Brewhouse pub near you?

https://www.brewhouseandkitchen.com/

For a tenner you can park up for the day with a socket and free Wi-Fi, unlimited hot drinks and lunch (posh sandwich and chips or a salad type of thing). Stick your headphones in and you’ll be undisturbed for as long as you like.

I used to be freelance and even with a home office sometimes it was just easier to be in a different space.

This looks amazing and good value

OP posts:
Qwerty556 · 29/12/2023 11:36

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 10:08

Agree - it is a male trait to irritate the hell out of women.

When Mr Viper retired he became a thorn in my flesh regarding the everyday. I've grown accustomed to it and can ignore much now, but the fact that he WILL INSIST on coming to do food shopping with me still drives me crackers. Especially since our local Sainsbury's closed their cafe and I can't even suggest that he sits down with a paper and lets me get on with it.

Don't get me wrong - he doesn't interfere and say what I should or shouldn't buy, but he is THERE and it drives me up the wall!

Every woman I have spoken to, whose husband has retired/ changed career and is now working at home/ is spending more time in the house for whatever reason finds herself close to drowning even the best of husband's in a bucket in a very short time.

At least Mr Viper keeps out of the kitchen cupboards. A close friend's husband retired and promptly went through all of her cupboards, re-arranging crockery etc, and sorting tins/ packets by some strange system of his own which turned out to be related to something like calorific value/ nutritional value/ vitamin B12 content or something equally obscure. Frankly, I would have beaten him to death with a tin of beans.

Apparently his system was more efficient, but
a) he never went into the kitchen to cook or even clear up
and
b) she couldn't find a bloody thing!

Show quote history

Heaven forbid a man should want to retire and spend time in his own house! Bastards!

diddl · 29/12/2023 11:37

locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc

Well that's your problem!

Wtf is wrong with them?

My husband works from our bedroom.

He needs to work-I get up!

He does generally only lock the door if he's on a call or doing a presentation & tells me in advance in case I need to get anything out first though.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 11:37

Neurodiverse? Maybe. There's a lot of it about in my immediate family, parent / brother / nephew / couple of first cousins all diagnosed ASD

I was just concentrating on something and heard DH say something to me. He repeated himself so I shifted my focus to him. It was a huge effort, and I lost the thread of what I was doing in the process. He was saying,

What day is it?

I got the absolute rage (internally). So maybe

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 29/12/2023 11:42

Your kids are 12 and 14 and bang on doors demanding to be served?? I’m guessing they are boys 🙄
Seriously grow a backbone and teach them some life skills, that’s literally what parents are meant to do.

BustyLaRoux · 29/12/2023 11:43

Loud breathing is the worst!

Wanttobefree2 · 29/12/2023 11:43

This drives me mad when I’m trying to work and people are buzzing around, and sometimes very loudly emptying the dishwasher.

sandyhappypeople · 29/12/2023 11:46

I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I'd be a bit embarrassed posting this OP, you're kids at 12 and 14 should be fully capable of respecting your work from home time and for gods sake getting their own snacks, you saying 'hopefully they'll learn soon' is ridiculous, why not just teach them? It's one thing for there to be a noisy household making it difficult to work, but them actively interrupting you all the time is unacceptable tbh.

Husband asking for tea while you're making tea is fair enough, but if you need peace and quiet for a couple of hours then just make it happen, communicate that's what you're going to be doing and just ignore, ignore, ignore, get noise cancelling headphones as someone else has suggested and failing all that, then fall back on the.. 'ask your dad' 'can't you do it yourself' mantra.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 29/12/2023 11:48

YABU as you were at the kettle, don't be so precious.

I WHF full time. If I'm at my desk I pretty much ignore my family and they know only to interrupt me if it's urgent or important. It works most of the time.

If I'm away from the desk (at kettle etc) then I'm fair game for them to talk with me.

AInightingale · 29/12/2023 11:48

One of my sons made his own lunch the other day and scalded the pot (boiled dry while he disappeared somewhere. ) My nosey neighbour came out the back where it was sitting in the yard (didn't want it triggering the smoke alarm) and asked about it and why I wasn't supervising him cooking. So you really can't win.

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 11:49

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 11:37

Neurodiverse? Maybe. There's a lot of it about in my immediate family, parent / brother / nephew / couple of first cousins all diagnosed ASD

I was just concentrating on something and heard DH say something to me. He repeated himself so I shifted my focus to him. It was a huge effort, and I lost the thread of what I was doing in the process. He was saying,

What day is it?

I got the absolute rage (internally). So maybe

While it's possible , don't let people make you think there's something wrong with you for being fed up with inconsiderate people. Even if they're family.

dottieautie · 29/12/2023 11:56

I understand OP.
i grieve the start of Christmas holidays as it’s a time without even an hour to myself which I really need in a day for my own health. I find it near impossible to switch off to work when there are people in the house, there will always be disturbances.

Send them out to buy something that doesn’t exist.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 11:59

I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

It really is very simple to buy or make a DO NOT DISTURB sign for your bedroom door.

If you and your H have parented for 14 years and your kids can't find the milk, or whatever, what's gone wrong?

If they bother you when you're trying to work, what's gone wrong?

If they don't respect boundaries and your work, what's gone wrong?

Are they so selfish and snowflaky all the time?

Strictlymad · 29/12/2023 12:02

50/50 for me. If you are working he should make his own tea/snacks etc and shouldn’t be disturbing you in another room unless needed. BUT if you are in the lounge he can be there, drinking tea, whatever he likes. If you need to concentrate, get headphones, sit in the bedroom, go into the office. He can live in his house