Husband GOT UP

[BlackWhiteWhatNow]

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

Build yourself a blanket Fort! Sing at the front NO HUSBAND or kids. I'm going to guess you've already explained to them you're working... I don't wfh but if I'm on a phonecall or settling baby or having a bath ect they will all come find me to ask trivial questions =/ =/ despite there being another adult downstairs so can't imagine how off putting it is while trying to work. What about creating snack boxes the night before ?

Why do they think you’re their servant? Tell them to sort out their own refreshments etc.

Totally on your side @BlackWhiteWhatNow . Your husband is an arse.

Oh my god, @BlackWhiteWhatNow - you are being very, very, very, very reasonable! I work in a creative job too, and my DH and I both work mostly from home since the pandemic. My favourite would be when he came in to whichever room I picked and sit down, without speaking to me, but start scrolling Facebook videos on his feed at volume. And then get arsey when I picked up my laptop and moved to a different room. Or the hundred questions routine.

We moved to a bigger house. Now I have many rooms to move to rather than having to put myself in the downstairs loo for some peace and focus time 😂

He also is a sleeper in, while I’m an early bird and those rare days he gets up at a reasonable hour make me want to cry.

Garden room. Stat.

Just brainstorming here OP, does a friend, relative or neighbour have a spare room you could go and work in? How about the library? Or a cafe a bit of a drive away? Is there a coworking space near you?

I don’t think you should be interrupted during work but I also think it’s perfectly fine for your husband to come into his own kitchen and request a tea that you were already making!!

Ok I must be the odd one out then! I like having people around while I'm getting on with work at home during the holidays. I don't think I've ever been bothered by people breathing. I wouldn't expect members of the family to have a lie-in or stay in their bedrooms just because they don't have much on, and I definitely wouldn't mind someone asking me for a cup of tea if I was already making one for myself.

I go into the office / work elsewhere when I need peace and quiet. I wouldn’t expect my husband and kids to tiptoe around me in their own home. To be fair DH is great and gets it but DS is 4 and I can’t expect him to be quiet and stay out of communal rooms.

As an aside I’m in the office right now - literally the only person in - and it’s blissful!

Headphones and for kids a sign on the door and snacks in a box. Sign states where snacks are and if you are planning lunch say what time on the sign, if you're leaving them to it (they are old enough) put out what they can make. I either leave a tin of beans or noodles out if it's a snack lunch or make something and leave it in the oven and add to the sign, 'Lasagna in Oven 3 minutes microwave.'
Now they don't even come to the door as they know to check oven and snack box. I don't physically feed my kids in working hours, just takes a bit of prep first thing to ensure the 12 and 16 yr old have food available.
Finally if you have a DH at home, why isn't he cooking and feeding his children?

And absolutely when he goes back to work turn up there with videos at the ready and the most mundane questions !!

This you are working here.

I'm a sahm quite I'll with the flu now. Dh is wfh but managed to wake up with the 1yo and 7yo and sort them out with breakfast and got them playing with something while I just had an extra sleep. And he's working. Your dh needs to step up massively.

Just read your kids are 12 and 14. I would be furious if they can't understand simple instructions or get their own snacks. My 7yo will use his head and ask dh if I'm busy and the other way around. Your kids are just lazy and inconsiderate to you. At 14??

find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate

I presume you have told them all this-in all seriousness? Repeat it each time he interrupts you.

Do you have clear-‘now I’m working’ times or is there an overspill between times you’re working or times you’re on Mumsnet on your laptop and he can’t tell when you can’t be disturbed?

I sometimes intend to have a lie in but can’t stay asleep, so will get up-it’s fine for him to want a cup of tea in that situation (though I’m sure he could make it!) but it’s also fine for you to take your tea and laptop and say you’ll go into the bedroom as you’re working and want to be undisturbed until x.

If you really can’t work with others around, I think I’d plan sessions in the library. Get a flask of tea and just go.

My husband is annoying when I’m trying to work. The only difference is, he’d be making me a cup of tea. He wouldn’t dream of asking me to make him one.

The slurping would have me in tomorrows newspaper front page: local woman kills man with single tea mug.

It's baffling l that instead of having a family meeting and telling everyone in the household to leave you the fuck alone while your working that some are suggesting you sit in a service station car park

I completely get your frustration, I really do.

But equally - you are being massively unreasonable.

It's the Christmas break. You're working in a family shared space. Your DH is perfectly entitled to get up and have tea in that space.

If you WFH, you either need a designated office space OR agreed time / space that you'll occupy, can't be disturbed. So that's a conversation before Christmas to agree days you'll work, times & location.

Absolutely teens can get their own stuff but I've teens too and when I WFH they disturb me too, not to get them stuff but to chat to me or ask me if they can do something or whatever. Yes, to clear boundaries there too.

The challenge about WFH is that it's 'from home' & the natural boundary of the office building, or the construction site, isn't there. So it does require creating with a physical or artificial boundary that you can enforce.

OP was standing there making her own. He didn't summon her from her laptop.

I don't think I could wfh, even the dogs would annoy me. Perimenapausal though. I've even got bifolding doors to shut my boss out. So I feel for you.

I'm not in a high wage role though but do live 5 minutes drive from the office.

Agree with this - though I'd add - these are the times I'm working; I'll be in this room; I'll be finished by x time.

Really clear boundaries.

He's unreasonable to expect you to make him a cup of tea and to be showing you videos on his phone when you're working. But he's not unreasonable to be awake and out of bed in his own home, sorry OP. If he's just there quietly doing his own thing, I can't see an issue with that. Obviously if he's not, that's different.

Sorry but I agree with this.

Agree that you need to be really explicit about what you need and then stick to the boundaries.

Door closed, noise cancelling headphones and phone on Do Not Disturb.

I agree that they shouldn't have to pussyfoot around you (I hate it when my husband gets on a Teams call at the kitchen table) but if you're clear about when you intend to start and finish and take yourself to a bedroom, then it should work out.

It is exhausting reinforcing boundaries

Well, yes, but definitely worth the investment: short term pain for long term gain.

Start with an initial 'family meeting' to do a proper reset and let them know that when you are wearing headphones (or whatever your thing is) you are not available.

Once talking through the 'what ifs' have been covered, then think of it as you would when training an animal: just do not give them any attention unless and until you are done. Make sure they know when you will next be done.

The questions from PP 'is there blood' is a good and sensible one. Don't say anything g else, just withdraw your attention.

It will be good for them to improve their self reliance. And help you to, win win.

I've had to learn to work in very noisy surroundings. I used to imagine that I was a noisy printer and placed in an invisible soundproof bubble. Don't respond to people, focus on the task in hand. It will get easier and it is a good skill to have, for you to remember to not 'just do it it's quicker' and for them to build resilience. It's investment in their future success.

I'm a big fan of post-its on the door where I'm working.
The current one is actually 12 stuck together in a square with a jumbo sized definitive sharpied 'NO' on it.
Doesn't work though.
My back's to the door which makes it worse when the DH or the DS's try to fling it open and it catches every time, making a thudding bang as they smack their full body weight into it. Big sigh.
Full sympathy OP!

AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today.

Imagine for a second a man posting this about his wife. There'd be uproar, rightly so!

Your kids think you are the family servant. Set boundaries now op... as for your husband, headphones on and ignore...