Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Sorry calling my family racial slurs is a step too far .I socialise with many people who have different opinions to my own and am
happy agree to disagree this is not that .The assumptions that I can’t take an opposing opinion are as offensive as the assumption I think all boomers are racist (which is not what I said ) racial abuse is not an opinion it’s hate speech

@whatsitcalledwhen have you never heard of irony. The research you have quoted is precisely why hcp advice ahoukd never be swallowed hook, line and sinker.

I agree but at the moment it’s what I feel comfortable with because it’s had the most research to date.Maybe once I’ve had more children I will do things differently who knows.I deserve the right to not be ridiculed and undermined.My child my choice

Not the same people, I think. Most of the older people, like me, are objecting to being lumped together with racists.

FWIW I''m in my late 60s now, I marched with Anti Nazi League and Rock against racism in the 70s and have a mixed race family myself. I wouldn't let the OP's MIL in the house if I were her.

That’s great for you thank you well done but no one said your generation is racist can you not read you’re all taking it that way 😂

OK Fair enough. Some of the quotes on here are getting confusing.

Indeed. I am from the boomer generation and neither I, nor any of my contemporaries, think or speak like this or hold opinions like these.

Nothing you say or do will changer MIL - people like this often say it for effect, knowing full well that they are spouting nonsense.

You are entirely right to make sure she is not involved in child care, but I do not think that anything your DH might say to her will change her behaviour.

However, please remember that your DH was brought up around all this and turned out well enough to be worthy of your love and to father your children.

I'm not responding to you now but some of the other comments which really are ageist..

MN will always pile on you if you make a derogatory remark about the person you’re complaining about. Yes, using boomer is a bit of an own goal, OP.

But that doesn’t detract from this awful behaviour from your MIL. My own view is it comes from their own upbringing, lack of education and mixing with people with the same views. My mum is HORRIFICALLY racist, constantly sending me invites to racist FB groups, does victim blaming etc etc.

She’s never really gone out to work, very low education level and now now living in a caravan/mobile home, with a massive debt on an apartment abroad which they can’t live in, or get out of debt after they won their Brexit vote.

The comments suggested above should help. Ignore the parenting thing, you get that from lots of contemporaries too, I think they think it’s a slight on their parenting if you don’t differently

I’m sorry saying someone may have different parenting views because of their age is not ageist .If an older person said I don’t know enough about x y and z because my age limited my experience I would not be upset that’s their opinion .ive been younged off many times as I appear even younger than I am I do not believe these people hate young people and are conspiring against me.You guys are ridiculous

I don't agree with ageism either but the fact so many posters are outraged at the word boomer but don't give a shit about racial slurs says a hell of a lot.

She just sounds quite thick. Up to you as to whether to put up and shut up a few times a year for family harmony or to have nothing to do with her. She is your dhs mum though.

I understand but I didn’t know boomer was offensive until now it was just a way of describing the age group and saying I know she probs parented differently but does that make this ok ? But people on here love it .Love to be offended and then say my generation can’t hear any other opinions

But nobody is saying that. It's not the word itself it's the prejudiced view that we are all the same with old fashioned, sexist and racist views so we are objecting to the racial slurs. I've said the same thing about five times now. I'm going to have to give up and I've given my opinion on what the OP should do - not let the woman in her house.

But did I say all ‘boomers’ are that no I didn’t I meant her age in reference to a difference in parenting .

Theres jokes all over social media about the differences in parenting generationally

There are lots of racist jokes too, OP. You have betrayed the fact that you think in clichés and stereotypes, just like your MIL.

What I am reading is that you want to live and bring your child up in a bubble where everyone thinks like you, cancelling people in real life.

Surely you can make an argument against her opinions? I find racism is one of the easiest things to make an argument against.

@scorpiogirly

Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing.

You followed this up by saying "I didn't mean racism, of course that is unacceptable" but the OP's very first post said:

On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

So why did you say "depends what she said" when she had very clearly been racist?

I'm giving up too, it's like arguing with stupid now (pointless)

I mean the difference is noticed by not only me it’s ok to say she’s done things differently I don’t really find it funny as it’s something that is actually impacting me negatively .Memes saying my mums face when I say I don’t feed my baby baby rice is not the
same as a racist joke .Not
cancelling her distancing myself and my family so my
children don’t get hurt

But did I say all ‘boomers’ are that no I didn’t I meant her age in reference to a difference in parenting

So, when was she parenting?
I think we've established it wasn't the 70s; my guess would be 90s (I think you mentioned being in your 20s and I assume your DH is similar in age to you? Sorry if I've got that wrong).
I had my DCs early to mid 90s and I'm not sure how much advice has changed.
Iirc, weaning was about 6 months, you put the baby on its back to sleep, didn't overheat it, fed (and breast feeding was supported) on demand...
I've tried to keep up with contemporary trends (especially as I now have a DGC) and things like "tummy time" are new to me but I'm not sure how much the basics have changed.
I think the racist and sexist slurs are far more serious than differences in parenting approach (and she can't make you change how you do that).
And that's because she's that sort of a person and every generation has its twats.

I don’t know how can you counter racial slurs and the idea being put to you that colonialism helped your people to gain skills and manners they otherwise never would have had.

and that people of your race get “above their station “ when they encounter success I did not even want to repeat it but that’s what I’m dealing with here .

and everyone is upset because they decided I assumed their generation are all racist.Tryst me I’ve encountered racism from
a number of people from many different ages so I know the deal

was trying to make sense of why she undermines my parenting using her age as a factor as she always says “ us boomers never did that crap “

I have never, ever heard anyone refer to themselves as a 'boomer' or 'us boomers' tbf OP.

Anyway - if she is being as racist and objectionable as you say then cut contact. Job done and it's what I would do.

But that can't be all of it surely. And as the thread developed, it clearly wasn't.

I wouldn't want her near my children.

@scorpiogirly

But that can't be all of it surely.

But you said "Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing."

Sure, it wasn't 'all of it' but OP was clear in her very first post that MIL used racial slurs (in front of her mixed race grandchildren no less) so I can't imagine what more information you'd need over and above that in order to not dismiss this as her simply not being 'woke' enough for OP's liking?