Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
Libertyy · 29/12/2023 13:54

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 13:52

@scorpiogirly

But that can't be all of it surely.

But you said "Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing."

Sure, it wasn't 'all of it' but OP was clear in her very first post that MIL used racial slurs (in front of her mixed race grandchildren no less) so I can't imagine what more information you'd need over and above that in order to not dismiss this as her simply not being 'woke' enough for OP's liking?

Because she’s racist. If OP was white and her MIL was Asian, bet these same posters would not have been so tolerant

TriOptimim · 29/12/2023 13:57

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:33

Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing.

Using racial slurs and talking about how gay people are disgusting can only be a good thing. Get to fuck.

FucksSakeSusan · 29/12/2023 14:01

The problem isn't that she's from the boomer generation. I know plenty of boomers who aren't like this. The problem is that your mother-in-law is a disrespectful, racist POS. You have to decide if you're happy being around that. I find it jaw-dropping that your husband doesn't have a problem with it and only wants to consider cutting contact when your child is old enough to understand the abuse she's giving you and your family.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 14:13

Husband born in 88 last of 3 children as I am I. am younger than him .

OP posts:
Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 14:15

Well we want to speak to her and give her the chance to change or at least pretend. we agreed on this but as our requests have been ignored previously I feel
this may be the last time then it’s distance and a lot of explain to our kids so they don’t feel bad about themselves

OP posts:
mottytotty · 29/12/2023 14:16

scorpiogirly · 29/12/2023 12:33

Depends what she has said. If she doesn't have the insane woke views that a lot of people seem to have today then it can only be a good thing.

I’d rather be woke than racist and homophobic. But you do you.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 29/12/2023 14:26

luckylavender · 29/12/2023 07:12

@222333Annie - I'm a boomer and I wouldn't be happy to be in the company of someone like your MIL. No excuses for vile views and rudeness.

Same here.
OP you need to educate yourself a bit, Boomers did a lot to improve the lives of women, have you heard of Women's Lib?

FigTreeInEurope · 29/12/2023 14:27

Ugh! I couldn't be around that.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 14:39

How dare you assume I’m not educated lol.I know that that’s why I never said she is racist or assist coz she’s a boomer.But think like leaving your baby outside in the pram in the front garden to get fresh air is not something that happens today so when she suggested it to me I could only put that down it it being the norm then .Its ok to say things have changed in terms of parenting it’s no shade on her generation it’s just me saying this could be why she opposes me in parenting choices

OP posts:
onlyforeignerinthevillage · 29/12/2023 15:02

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 09:24

I understand it to mean that all white people have automatically benefitted off the backs of black people and that is simply not true for ''all white people''. I do not have white privilege.

Wrong. Try again

PuffyShirt · 29/12/2023 15:13

My parents were racist and homophobic. They didn’t think they were, but they definitely were.

They were also kind and loving grandparents who didn’t raise bigoted children and their grandchildren adored them. No one was damaged or influenced.

MCOut · 29/12/2023 15:20

OP you know you need to drop her. Sit down with your partner and do your research on the impact this can have on your children. No one made him have mixed race children and now that they’re here they have to be his priority.

Libertyy · 29/12/2023 15:28

PuffyShirt · 29/12/2023 15:13

My parents were racist and homophobic. They didn’t think they were, but they definitely were.

They were also kind and loving grandparents who didn’t raise bigoted children and their grandchildren adored them. No one was damaged or influenced.

Were you or your siblings the race your parents were racist towards by any chance, I imagine you were all white? Because that’s not what people are talking about when they’re having concerns about the mixed race/black/Asian children being damaged or influenced by white racists.

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 15:30

PuffyShirt · 29/12/2023 15:13

My parents were racist and homophobic. They didn’t think they were, but they definitely were.

They were also kind and loving grandparents who didn’t raise bigoted children and their grandchildren adored them. No one was damaged or influenced.

Presumably you were the same race as them.

If you had been another race, or mixed race, and they had said racist things around you including using racial slurs then don't you think that would have been more damaging than it was for you?

Wouldn't you have felt confused that a 'loved one' was using disparaging terms and saying disparaging things about a race that is part of you?

TorroFerney · 29/12/2023 15:47

Growlybear83 · 29/12/2023 07:53

Why on earth is it a problem that your mother in law doesn't drink? What does that have to do with your other concerns about her?

Show quote history

Oh my good god - read properly. It isn't an issue that she is teetotal, someone asked the op if she was saying this stuff when she was drunk and op said no she doesn't drink.

LaMarschallin · 29/12/2023 15:50

But think like leaving your baby outside in the pram in the front garden to get fresh air

She sounds very old fashioned for someone bringing up children in the late 80s/90s.
That sort of thing was prevalent in the 50s/60s.
And "always" saying " us boomers never did that crap “ is a very weird mantra indeed.
But at least the fact she always says it helps prove your point.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 15:59

I work with kids so have seen first hand but will defo Get more info and share with husband he will be open minded he is a very fair person l.He shouted “not appropriate mother” from the kitchen when she started saying these things but she can’t be stopped so I’m kinda out of options ..I also froze coz it was so bad .Will give a final chance as I believe all are capable of change if they want it if not it’s her loss

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 29/12/2023 16:04

LaMarschallin · 29/12/2023 15:50

But think like leaving your baby outside in the pram in the front garden to get fresh air

She sounds very old fashioned for someone bringing up children in the late 80s/90s.
That sort of thing was prevalent in the 50s/60s.
And "always" saying " us boomers never did that crap “ is a very weird mantra indeed.
But at least the fact she always says it helps prove your point.

Indeed. Along with claims of not associating racism and sexism with age after an opening post saying "Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?" and a series of subsequent posts - not so much a drip feed as a deluge.

Still, a 467 post bunfight in 12 hours including 82 from the OP - perhaps its sleep deprivation impairing memory of the many earlier posts.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 16:04

Well yeah and I get the impression she always listened to her mum (DH nan) that’s why a lot of these things she swears by could be seen as outdated. She has the well my mum did it and I did it attitude.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 16:12

LaMarschallin · 29/12/2023 15:50

But think like leaving your baby outside in the pram in the front garden to get fresh air

She sounds very old fashioned for someone bringing up children in the late 80s/90s.
That sort of thing was prevalent in the 50s/60s.
And "always" saying " us boomers never did that crap “ is a very weird mantra indeed.
But at least the fact she always says it helps prove your point.

She could in fact be pre-boomer and just pretending to be boomer when actually she is dinosaur

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 16:13

Was about the Sid’s but yeah LOL I am sleep deprived I’m a mum weird that you all saying your generation are not sexist love tearing a PP women struggling apart .Well done

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 29/12/2023 16:15

OP, your MIL is a very few years older than me and she seems to have less modern ideas about childcare than my Victorian grandmother. I think she's just being cussed because that's the sort of person she is. She clearly doesn't like you and I wouldn't be too bothered because she sounds awful, and you don't like her.

People have become upset on this thread because you did seem to draw an equivalence between being a boomer and a host of dreadful prejudices, not just outdated parenting theory. Perhaps that wasn't the intention.

I will leave you with this though. Joe Strummer, (Anti Nazi League, Rock against Racism) born 1952. By any definition, a Boomer. Tommy Robinson (EDL founder) born 1982. By any definition, not. It's best not to stick cheap generic labels on whole generations IMO.

ChedderGorgeous · 29/12/2023 16:18

Does this discussion end at 20 pages or 40 ? Asking for a friend

LaMarschallin · 29/12/2023 16:19

She could in fact be pre-boomer and just pretending to be boomer when actually she is dinosaur

True - she could have had OP's DH in her early 40s and ignored all the contemporary advice.
If she was pre-baby boom generation, she'd - at youngest - be 77 now. If you call that a "dinosaur".
And she's still managing to look 65. Maybe the bile has pickled and preserved her...

Edited as I deducted 2 years from MiL's apparent age.

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 16:29

LaMarschallin · 29/12/2023 16:19

She could in fact be pre-boomer and just pretending to be boomer when actually she is dinosaur

True - she could have had OP's DH in her early 40s and ignored all the contemporary advice.
If she was pre-baby boom generation, she'd - at youngest - be 77 now. If you call that a "dinosaur".
And she's still managing to look 65. Maybe the bile has pickled and preserved her...

Edited as I deducted 2 years from MiL's apparent age.

Edited

The official name for what she could be if she's only pretending to be boomer is the "silent generation".

Though she seems a bit outspoken for that so it's a mystery.

Swipe left for the next trending thread