Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Are you being sarcastic? I haven’t had my coffee yet so I can’t tell.

She is either nasty or ignorant and doesn’t think before she speaks. Racism is never okay but the fact that she used racist slurs in front of you and your family is just awful. She doesn’t uphold values you want your child to have so obviously you don’t want her looking after your son. Did she upset you/ your family this Xmas as I think your DH needs to raise that with her first before discussing her other attitudes with her. The problem is you can’t change people, so she will still hold these views even if she doesn’t express them in front of you and will likely be resentful of you for preventing her from expressing herself.

I got worryingly far through that before I realised it was sarcasm/satire.

To be fair to OP, often when OPs post about their older relatives using racist terms, there is a huge cohort of people who tell OPs that they are BU to get upset at older relatives because it was normal in their day.

There are many amazingly anti-racist people here but in general the MN base is racist.

Absolute rubbish.

OP please don’t cave to the boomer cabal and their emotional and financial threats! This thread is a heartbreaking exercise in intergenerational trauma. Cut this woman out of your life, your DS will never know any different but won’t be exposed to a hateful past.

You nearly got me in the first half.

The woman the OP describes is a racist who is disrespectful to her family. That's completely unacceptable. I wouldn't want her around me, my family or my children.

Who on earth are you describing as the boomer cabal and why do you think that sort of ageism is acceptable?

The cascade of comments warning that she’d better put up with awful behaviour or she’ll never inherit and her child will somehow be traumatised by a lack of contact with a bigot if she goes NC. That’s the cabal.

Really? Only people of colour should challenge racist slurs? Are the rest of us supposed to just nod along?

In my experience racists are not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer and it doesn't require much effort to shoot down their ideas.

Cascade? FFS. There have been one or two. Are you normally given to hyperbole and ageism?

FWIW I don't think she should have to put up with racism and disrespect and most people, whatever their ages, have said the same.

There have been more than one or two to be fair, especially in the first few pages of this thread.

To be fair to OP, often when OPs post about their older relatives using racist terms, there is a huge cohort of people who tell OPs that they are BU to get upset at older relatives because it was normal in their day.

And then those of us who were alive back then and are not and never have been racist call out the ageism.

Point taken - it's some time since I read the beginning of the thread. However the main message I'm getting is that the OP shouldn't be expected to put up with racism.

I still think the term boomer cabal is sweeping ageist language.

I totally agree with this.

My granny thought girls should polish their brothers shoes.

Girls should cover their arms and legs.
Girls should cover their heads in church. etc

In fact she had lots of antiquated opinions but she gave love and was given love while we still regarded her as very old fashioned and a little bonkers.

My mother would smile at her old fashioned MIL and go quiet when she gave ‘advice.’

They mostly got along.

Neither obtuse nor confused, actually.

Of course white privilege exists, of course it does, but there is also such a thing as nuance.
Things are rarely as simple as you think.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/apr/15/racism-in-britain-is-not-a-black-and-white-issue-it-is-far-more-complicated

I hear people when they say that, all other things being equal, then white people are treated preferentially. And of course, mostly that is true.

But, the thing is, for some people, things are just so very far from any 'equal' that these comparisons don't work. For them, skin colour just doesn't seem to matter, at least in British (and Irish) society.
It may be different for them elsewhere.

Have a look at the link and see who tops the poll for racial discrimination in Britain.

@graceinspace999

In fact she had lots of antiquated opinions but she gave love and was given love while we still regarded her as very old fashioned and a little bonkers.

Having old fashioned, outdated views is in no way comparable to using racial slurs and saying racist things around your mixed race grandchildren. She isn't just saying insulting things about people in general. She's saying insulting things about them, by insulting half of their heritage.

I'm sorry @Celeriacisquitenice but you are confused. You're not on topic. No one is saying it's not possible for white people to be discriminated against, or being the victims of xenophobia/racist abuse. You've taken the phrase 'white privilege' and have gone off down the above tangent. Despite the above, white privilege still exists.

Some people hear 'white privilege' and start complaining that they/not everyone is privileged. They are only focusing on the 'privilege' part. And it's general meaning. White privilege means literally that.

(To add: I'm Irish. Since you and another poster keep bringing it up. I am also)

No. I and others object to those suggesting being a 'boomer' is an excuse for being racist because 'that's how it was then'. It's not ok to behave like the op's mil and I have said more than once I would not have her in the house.

There are some defending the mil but they are not the same people as those objecting to the idea that boomers are all racist.

I'm away for the weekend now and I'm dropping this. It has just got too stupid.

One more time: I'm a proud 'boomer' (born 1955) and if I were the OP I would not have any more contact with her mil.

When I see the definition of "white privilege" I can't argue with it. But I wonder who decided to call it that and why.

Surely there must be a much clearer word that would describe the benefit of not being racially descriminated against.

I don't know that it is a privilege to be treated as everyone should be treated.

No you're confused @dooneyousmugelf.
Of course white privilege exists, not denying that for a minute, but it doesn't exist for all white people at all times. Effectively not all white people are seen as white in all societies.

You are saying that skin colour is always relevant.That all other things being equal skin colour matters.
I am saying that, yes, that's generally true obviously, but just not always, in all situations. I am talking about extremely disadvantaged groups of people by the way, not about people who just think they're not 'privileged'.

To be clear I am talking specifically about Travellers who suffer more racial discrimination (in the legal sense) in Irish and British society than black people do. The colour of their skin doesn't matter here because they're Travellers.

Yeah you don't get it.

@dooneyousmugelf Explain how the most racially discriminated against section of society in Britain and Ireland are privileged so please?

(And please don't say 'because they're white'. A bit of analysis please.)

You're showing again that you don't get it. I'm sorry but I can't keep engaging.