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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Happilyobtuse · 29/12/2023 00:28

Well you haven’t stated her weight or her height so it is possible she is a healthy weight and height but just heavier than your DP. I am 5ft 6” and weigh 68.5 kgs. My partner is 5ft 10” and weighs 68 kgs. He is a runner and is very lean. I am trying to lose more weight but currently I weigh more than him but I am still as per BMI in the healthy range.

Anyway first thing’s first you need to re-assure your child that your DP didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and was just surprised. Also if it upsets her it is something she can always change. If she is overweight or obese please help her adopt a healthier lifestyle as it will affect her self confidence and her health etc. as she grows older. Also by saying she fits into her clothes so she must be fine, is a bit odd, do you mean she fits into age appropriate clothing so clothing meant for age 13-14?!

FelonyMelony · 29/12/2023 00:30

If DDs dad was surprised to learn that he weighed less than his daughter, it suggests that DD does NOT appear “overweight”.
OP, I weighed around 10st through my teen years - gave myself such a hard time because my friends’ weights were a good stone or two less - but I never looked it; and was quite often disbelieved when I mentioned how much I weighed.
Focus on helping your DD foster a good sense of self and appreciation for who she is, and your DP should be making a huge effort to make amends

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 00:30

Tawlk · 29/12/2023 00:26

Still struggling I see? You don’t have any information on the child’s BMI this is irrelevant.

Show quote history

It isn’t though - we’ve just all got used to seeing fat children.

Weighing more than an adult man, at 13, would not have been considered usual or healthy 20+ years ago. Even if said adult man was a petite 5’2

JANEY205 · 29/12/2023 00:31

Sorry but broad shouldered and has a frame like you but you spent most of your life feeling like overweight as you said it makes me think she is overweight. That will do more damage to her self esteem than her Dads comment. Maybe he is fed up of it going unrecognized? I’d comment if my child was large as I’d want to get them help. Life isn’t kind to bigger people and that’s just a fact. All the ‘naturally big’ people I’ve known have ended up losing weight with exercise, better eating and support for any underlying health issue, and I mean literally all of them! For my family member it was thyroid related.

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 00:33

StBrides · 29/12/2023 00:25

It's a misconception that men always weigh more than women. Actually, for the average healthy sized man and healthy sized woman there often won't be a huge difference.

When you consider the proportion of men who are overweight, or who build muscle and increase the weight, you begin to see why we continue to have a skewed perception.

Likewise its a misconception that women must be slimmer than men - look at Beyonce and David Tennant - it really wouldn't surprise me if she weighed more than he does and is she in any way fat? No. She is stunning.

Your partner was an idiot and I cannot believe he is genuinely so thoroughly stupid & arrogant to not know the harm his words would do.

Good for you for not pandering to the posters who seem to believe your daughter must be obese (hopefully they'll achieve some enlightenment in 2024). As to your partner...In your shoes I think his attitude (not simply his ridiculous shock but his arrogance in making a thing of it when you warned him not to) would have me very seriously questioning my future with him.

Well considering she's promoting this type of diet I wouldn't use Beyonce as an example.

"In order for me to meet my goals, I’m limiting myself to no bread, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no meat, no fish, no alcohol — and I’m hungry," she said.

Avatartar · 29/12/2023 00:47

Take her to your GP, get weighed, get the true medical opinion and take advice from there - then you both really know and you either tell your DH to butt out if she’s ok weight or work on it as a family in an educated not a shaming way

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 00:54

Didimum · 28/12/2023 22:22

Really? Weight can change. A shitty remark will stay with her forever.

Show quote history

Couldn’t have said it any better than this. So many posters piling on about the weight issues and actually appearing to excuse or support a truly shitty remark made to a child, reducing her to tears. There are ways to tackle weight issues. This is not one of them.

StBrides · 29/12/2023 01:00

Avatartar · 29/12/2023 00:47

Take her to your GP, get weighed, get the true medical opinion and take advice from there - then you both really know and you either tell your DH to butt out if she’s ok weight or work on it as a family in an educated not a shaming way

Taking her to be medically weighed will just reinforce her perception that she is overweight, regardless of what the gp says.

Ladolcevita233 · 29/12/2023 01:01

*to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.*

What an absolute fucking asshole.

Skinny little short-arse arsehole.

People are answering this like he's her Dad, he's not, is he?

All the posters who said his comment is less important/irrelevant vs whether she needs to lose weight..... SMH.

BalletBob · 29/12/2023 01:04

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 00:30

It isn’t though - we’ve just all got used to seeing fat children.

Weighing more than an adult man, at 13, would not have been considered usual or healthy 20+ years ago. Even if said adult man was a petite 5’2

Show quote history

How do you know what people would have made of a tall, athletic teen (for example) Vs a "petite 5'2" man? It's such a specific comparison that I highly doubt you've ever spoken to anyone about it, let alone multiple people 20+ years ago to know what would have been the general consensus then.

If she's athletic and very tall, there's every chance she is a healthy weight and still more than her dad who is obviously a small man.

Original poster
Violah · 29/12/2023 01:05

She would be mortified if I took her to the gp to be weighed. She would refuse to come I'm sure.

I like the advice some said here about chatting to her around her being upset over the comment. I feel like those moments where we chat are quite few and far between now as I barely see her what with working shifts, or her being busy in calls with friends or out with them.

It might be challenging to get her to talk to me. But I do make the most of those moments when they happen.

She very much wears what her peers are wearing and she confirmed that this coat from zara is one that some friends at school have. They go shopping to primark together as a group and some buy teenage stuff and some buy adult stuff.
I specifically remember her telling me that one friend in particular is really petite that she has to buy younger child's clothing. So she obviously has compared her size to smaller frames. Girls of the same age won't always fit in the same aged clothing and it's mad to think they all should.

Just look at the sizing inconsistencies in adult clothing even from the same shop. No wonder we feel like crap when stuff doesn't fit.

My younger dd7 is not the same body shape as me or DD13. She has always fitted into the age of clothing same as her age but after a growth spurt I to have to go up a size for length. Neither of my dds follow the average percentiles.

Also noticed with girls clothing they skimp on material. Everything's shorter in the sleeve or fitted round the body compared to boys clothing. Argh rambling on here.

I worry for girls these days with social media being like it is now.

OP posts:
ilovebreadsauce · 29/12/2023 01:09

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/12/2023 22:54

Zara sizing is awful, they only go up to a size 14. And BMI doesn’t mean much - one of my dcs goes to acrobatic gymnastics and the teen girls there are very lean but very muscular, as a result many have higher than typical BMIs

Borh my teen dds did conpetitive acro gymnastics and were very strong and muscular both as tops and then bases but well within the healthy BMI range

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:09

Your early teen daughter weights more than an adult man so unless he is unusually small and possibly unhealthy himself obviously she is over weight?
could none of you have guessed this by using your eyes rather than a pair of scales?
Surely it’s not a massive surprise to any of you?
either start feeding him up or get her on a weight loss plan which ever would seem like the healthy option, consult a dr if it’s not obvious.

Coyoacan · 29/12/2023 01:10

Shes not a woman though, she’s a 13 year old girl

Bodies develop in different ways.

My dd was chubby in her early teens and then it all fell away and stayed away.

whiteshutters · 29/12/2023 01:11

What size was she in the Zara coat?

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 01:12

Ladolcevita233 · 29/12/2023 01:01

*to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.*

What an absolute fucking asshole.

Skinny little short-arse arsehole.

People are answering this like he's her Dad, he's not, is he?

All the posters who said his comment is less important/irrelevant vs whether she needs to lose weight..... SMH.

Edited

Yes, he is her dad. OP clarified that in her third post.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:17

Why would you need weight to order clothes anyway?
surely hight and bust and hip would be enough information?
I guess you’re ordering from m and s, they use that stupid system, notoriously awful for bra fitting not to mention they let men on the women’s changing areas.
I did get a nice kids coat for myself in the sale, age 14, fully lined with fur water proof beautiful colour; I’ve got a 34 f bust, I guess there are lots of people who’s kids need to Lose Weight and it’s screwing the stats when a well developed nearly 40 year old can fit a coat meant for the average 14 year old

pam290358 · 29/12/2023 01:21

Why all the debate about her weight, still ? The OP made it clear that her DP is slim, and that her DD doesn’t appear overweight. A fact borne out by her dad’s surprise (OP used the word ‘astounded’) to find she weighed more than him. The OP posted for advice on the upset brought about by her DP’s remark. So far most posters have ignored that and gone straight for an inquisition on DD’s weight.

ilovebreadsauce · 29/12/2023 01:23

I do not understand why she was getting weighed for a coat size?

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:29

Nobody knows what’s normal anymore because over 70% of the population are over weight either a little bit to morbidly.
Drop a kid into an early 1990s classroom, 79 % of kids today who’s parents think they are normal and healthy would look like the fat one.
it is normal to
be overweight, that’s the problem, it will never be healthy

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 01:29

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:09

Your early teen daughter weights more than an adult man so unless he is unusually small and possibly unhealthy himself obviously she is over weight?
could none of you have guessed this by using your eyes rather than a pair of scales?
Surely it’s not a massive surprise to any of you?
either start feeding him up or get her on a weight loss plan which ever would seem like the healthy option, consult a dr if it’s not obvious.

What a horrible, patronising post. If you bothered to read any of the OP’s updates you would see that she says her daughter does not appear overweight, which is why her DP was, in the OP’s words ‘astounded’ to find that she weighed more than him. And her DP is slim. It’s beyond me why anyone would post about an issue like this in AIBU - people are just queuing up to jump to absurd conclusions and then jump on the OP.

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 01:31

BalletBob · 29/12/2023 01:04

How do you know what people would have made of a tall, athletic teen (for example) Vs a "petite 5'2" man? It's such a specific comparison that I highly doubt you've ever spoken to anyone about it, let alone multiple people 20+ years ago to know what would have been the general consensus then.

If she's athletic and very tall, there's every chance she is a healthy weight and still more than her dad who is obviously a small man.

Show quote history

Your word salad is so tiresome

samqueens · 29/12/2023 01:34

@Howbizarre22 has the right idea here. The idea that her dad would weigh himself in front of her in a competitive “I’m less fat than you” body shaming move is horrible.

Really important to reinforce that women mature and carry weight in completely different ways to men, not just as teens but also throughout their lives. You don’t say if she’s started her periods but that can also be relevant to how and when teens gain or hold weight.

Also, just as when toddlers, teens need to eat and hold onto weight ahead of growth spurts which may be months off. It’s great that she has a similar body type to you so you can reassure her.

A friend of mine says to her teens, “can your body move, laugh, play? Does it do what you need it to in order to experience learning, connection with others, love and life? Is your body healthy, are you treating it kindly? If you can answer yes then your body is just right”. Good luck x

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:35

Doesn’t appear to be is different to not.
our whole society perspective is skewed because so many people are so over weight.
like I said, drop your normal looking kid into and early 90s classroom, see if they still
look healthy compared to the norm from 30
yeears ago, probably not, maybe they’ll be the fat kid because people
are obsessed with eating and having snacks all the time

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 01:46

samqueens · 29/12/2023 01:34

@Howbizarre22 has the right idea here. The idea that her dad would weigh himself in front of her in a competitive “I’m less fat than you” body shaming move is horrible.

Really important to reinforce that women mature and carry weight in completely different ways to men, not just as teens but also throughout their lives. You don’t say if she’s started her periods but that can also be relevant to how and when teens gain or hold weight.

Also, just as when toddlers, teens need to eat and hold onto weight ahead of growth spurts which may be months off. It’s great that she has a similar body type to you so you can reassure her.

A friend of mine says to her teens, “can your body move, laugh, play? Does it do what you need it to in order to experience learning, connection with others, love and life? Is your body healthy, are you treating it kindly? If you can answer yes then your body is just right”. Good luck x

This. The most sensible post on the thread.