To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

I think @Devonshiregal has raised some legitimate points.

it’s odd to me that you can so clearly appreciate the emotional cost to/stress/distress of your SD but failed to anticipate that your son may have negative feelings. It’s not that hard to anticipate surely that in a blended family he wants to feel that some part of his relationship with you is separate and sacrosanct?

He’s not a man he’s a boy still and your child. One would hope he felt secure enough in your love for him and in his place in the family to accept your SD calling you mum. But he (rightly or wrongly) doesn’t. I think you’re making him feel excluded in some way, superfluous, replaceable. Reassuring him of your unconditional love and understanding and most importantly of your role as his mother would seem the way forward - not telling him to grow up and accept something that is obviously hurting him.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

so at the very least he is emotionally blackmailing his mum to get his own way and control the relationship his mum has with other family members.

Edited

Yep in the same way a toddler has a tantrum, but we don't call that 'coercive control' though technically it is.

Hes's not a toddler , he shouldn't be tantruming. But he is . He's communicating his fear and struggle. He's an immature adult, who needs reassurance and guidance.

That’s simply not the case. He’s a young man in turmoil. Have some perspective & understanding. Emotions and fear impact our Conscious & unconscious behaviour. Under stress people exhibit poor judgement &behaviour. he needs support and reassurance not a 4 word put down

I suspect the root cause is in your relationship with him rather than being anything to do with your step daughter. With the other children being much younger you probably naturally spend more time with them? It must be quite difficult to suddenly have 3 young siblings after a long period of being your only child. 18/19 is a tough age as you’re expected to suddenly be an adult, how much time do you spend just the 2 of you?

Not as vile as you do.

He is also communicating his objections and making himself vulnerable in that sense. Many boys that age would be too proud to, would bottle and … abracadabra: we have another emotionally stunted male for MN to whinge about.

I think it’s lovely that she wants tk
call you mum. Absolutely fucking pathetic that a 19 year old would try and twist that into something negative.

That’s very true. Adulthood is a process not an event. He’s still got one foot in his teenage years and is being honest enough to say he still feels a need for his mum to be his mum.

He is throwing a temper tantrum and threatening to cut his mother and siblings out of his life if he doesn’t get his own way😂.

are you honestly saying he is emotionally evolved? If my 15 year old nephew behaved this way I would be so disappointed in him. He has navigated bereavement and some serious health challenges with more maturity than this ‘boy’.

The ops here saying not to allow this wee girl whose mother has abandoned to call OP mum, would
you like your own child treated like this if you weren't around?
Adopted kids, in laws etc use mum for non biological mums.
OP your son needs to grow up and learn empathy.

I actually haven’t noticed anyone mention that she shouldn’t be allowed to. I have noticed lots of posters suggesting she sorts her DS’s issues around that first.

Because she’s 9 and she wants a mum

OP your son needs to grow up and learn empathy.

Of course he does!

But he needs help and reassurance from OP to do that. He's CLEARLY struggling with the set up.

The harsh and pejorative tone directed to this young man is awful. It’s obvious he’s in an emotional turmoil and as a result his behaviour and comments are provocative and clunky. He’s scared, anxious, and acting out. Starting point is reassurance and consistency to address his anxieties. This really isn’t complicated stuff to figure out. Like all of us he is trying to negotiate that balance between rational and irrational. He is only 19. Young person whose schooling and education, social development and milestones was interrupted by Covid 19. Part of His adolescence was in Covid and he’s in a blended family. Try be understanding

Nope I’m not saying he is emotionally evolved. I actually think he clearly has some things that he really needs help with on the emotional front. I AM saying don’t slap him down for the aspects which are commendable, which is making himself vulnerable by admitting he cares about it. What do you honestly think telling him to bottle that feeling away is going to do to his future relationship skills?

Early on in the thread there were a couple of "have her call you by some other variant" (like "mama Jane" or something) posts.

@Zone2NorthLondon
In the name of god, your hand wringing over a selfish man resenting a child that's been in his life for a decade is ridiculous if not laughable.
I think you've covered every excuse including covid 🤣
Some people are just unpleasant, OP herself says he's not very nice, sometimes that's just it, no navel gazing reasons needed.

and struggling with developing the skills of dealing with the set up as an adult. It’s late, but better late than never.

He wasn’t a man when he was introduced to a blended family set up.

He was a child.

His behaviour is coercive control. His feelings are valid.

His feelings do not excuse his behaviour.

Too true OP. Just write him off, aged 19. It’s only her son after all.

OP, I’d be really wary of those people dismissing his feelings with “he’ll get over it”. Most people don’t really start to process their childhood until they’re adults and I don’t think 19 is very old at all for that. If you do what some posters here suggest (eg telling him bluntly to grow up) he may well not ever forgive you for it.

I’m incredibly low contact with my dad because he was persistently low-level crap at being a dad to me. Tbh, it really doesn’t help when you see a parent who was pretty crap at parenting you be much better at it for a younger half-sibling. It might be petty, selfish and immature, and I honestly wouldn’t want him to have been crap for them too but it is damaging to spend half your childhood wondering why you aren’t good enough.

I am obviously affected by my childhood, but there are lots and lots of (now) adults who grew up in blended families who were genuinely damaged by the experience. Particularly children from the first marriage.

Same, so thats fine isn't it

Here to tell me how it is are you? The Priti Patel approach to problem solving
navel gazing✅ ridiculous✅ handwringing✅ the tickbox of just get em told empty rhetoric