Page 10 | To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 00:01

JemimaTiggywinkles · 28/12/2023 23:59

OP, I’d be really wary of those people dismissing his feelings with “he’ll get over it”. Most people don’t really start to process their childhood until they’re adults and I don’t think 19 is very old at all for that. If you do what some posters here suggest (eg telling him bluntly to grow up) he may well not ever forgive you for it.

I’m incredibly low contact with my dad because he was persistently low-level crap at being a dad to me. Tbh, it really doesn’t help when you see a parent who was pretty crap at parenting you be much better at it for a younger half-sibling. It might be petty, selfish and immature, and I honestly wouldn’t want him to have been crap for them too but it is damaging to spend half your childhood wondering why you aren’t good enough.

I am obviously affected by my childhood, but there are lots and lots of (now) adults who grew up in blended families who were genuinely damaged by the experience. Particularly children from the first marriage.

Such a sensitive and wise post.

Wayk · 29/12/2023 00:02

Your son feels threatened by his step sister.
Please reassure him he is your number one priority and nobody will replace him. Maybe make time for you and him to meet once a week or whatever suits both of you for one to one time. Do not talk about the step daughter. As time goes on maybe bring the subject up again. Good luck. You are a fantastic mother.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 00:03

In the name of god, your hand wringing over a selfish man resenting a child that's been in his life for a decade is ridiculous if not laughable.
I think you've covered every excuse including covid 🤣
Some people are just unpleasant, OP herself says he's not very nice, sometimes that's just it, no navel gazing reasons needed.

Well He is ' a man' but tbh I give my 19 yr olds a bit of leeway on this . Sometimes they act like 10 yr olds if I'm honest and I doubt they the only ones that do.

I think if OP can show her DSD the empathy and support she clearly has, she can also show her son the same.

And frankly I think she will. Most people don't just write off there kids like that @HerMammy. Nice or not.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 00:04

COVID has had a massive detrimental impact upon adolescent mental health
He was 16yo during covid his school and milestone’s interrupted .
It was a pretty big deal for lots of people. I wish the op and he e son well going forward.

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 00:04

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/12/2023 23:58

His behaviour is coercive control. His feelings are valid.

His feelings do not excuse his behaviour.

Show quote history

I wholeheartedly disagree.

There is a reason her young adult son is reacting so poorly and it is not “coercive control”, it is patently obvious he has no power within the family dynamic.

HereIAmThereYouAre · 29/12/2023 00:05

But I made poor choices, I got pregnant with him when I was only 15, so maybe I have not been a good mother.
OP I'm sure you are a good mother, you certainly sound like it, but your DS is likely very aware that as a young teen pregnancy he was a mistake (no matter how well loved and wanted) whereas this new family is one you actively chose. That may well not be helping his insecurity. Once upon a time it was just you and him, but then you chose to create a new family. I'm not saying it's rational, but knowing you were a mistake (I was one too) isn't always easy.

Animatic · 29/12/2023 00:06

Perhaps the child wasn't introduced into his life correctly, the way that would lead to him accepting her as a "synthetic sibling"? The fact a 5 yrs old appeared in his life and stayed there for another 4 doesn't automatically mean he should love and accept her. His feelings are a reflection of what his parent and step-parent did or did not get right.

HerMammy · 29/12/2023 00:07

@SemperIdem
He's a man now and has lived with this child her whole life nearly.
As for the poster saying he has to know he's no.1 priority, is that over her 4 yr old twins?
I haven't said write him off, but pandering and allowing him to make threats isn't acceptable.
At least we know where half of MN get their petulant sulking husbands they moan about.

Bellyblueboy · 29/12/2023 00:08

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:55

Nope I’m not saying he is emotionally evolved. I actually think he clearly has some things that he really needs help with on the emotional front. I AM saying don’t slap him down for the aspects which are commendable, which is making himself vulnerable by admitting he cares about it. What do you honestly think telling him to bottle that feeling away is going to do to his future relationship skills?

Show quote history

He isn’t being told to bottle it up. He has expressed his emotions many times, been reassured by his mum that he is loved. He is now not talking to his mother and threatening to cut off all his siblings.

he needs to understand this isn’t how healthy people manage their emotions. He hasn’t come down and said I. Understand why Chloe would want to call you mum, but I am struggling with it. He has said if he doesn’t get his way he is cutting everybody out of his life. He needs to understand that is wrong.

I don’t really see any aspect of his reaction that is commendable. Even his mum has said he isn’t a very nice person usually.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 00:08

Animatic · 29/12/2023 00:06

Perhaps the child wasn't introduced into his life correctly, the way that would lead to him accepting her as a "synthetic sibling"? The fact a 5 yrs old appeared in his life and stayed there for another 4 doesn't automatically mean he should love and accept her. His feelings are a reflection of what his parent and step-parent did or did not get right.

Exactly. But for some posters, as soon as the boy is old enough to sprout a few hairs on his legs it has to be all his fault. He’s abusive or just inherently “vile.”

Mistystar99 · 29/12/2023 00:08

Your son is behaving like a nasty little shit OP, and it is easy to tell because he likes to beat down on those more vulnerable than him.

Cornishclio · 29/12/2023 00:09

If your SD wants to call you mum as effectively you have been her mum for 7 years I think that's nice. Your son is being immature but I think you need to tell him he can't bully you or his siblings by making threats like he won't see you. That is ridiculous as he lives with you and is financially dependent on you. What does your husband say?

He obviously has an active dad so it seems unlikely he feels the odd one out by not calling your husband Dad. I think you have to accept he has a right to feel as he feels but overall I feel the need of a 9 year old to fit in trumps your sons unexplained resistance especially as he is an adult. Reassure him he is your first born and your SD calling you mum does not change your feelings for him. He doesn't sound very nice though.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 00:10

He's a man now and has lived with this child her whole life nearly.
As for the poster saying he has to know he's no.1 priority, is that over her 4 yr old twins?
I haven't said write him off, but pandering and allowing him to make threats isn't acceptable.
At least we know where half of MN get their petulant sulking husbands they moan about.

@HerMammy

Showing support and reassurance isn't
"pandering and allowing him to make threats".

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 00:11

HerMammy · 28/12/2023 23:56

@Zone2NorthLondon
In the name of god, your hand wringing over a selfish man resenting a child that's been in his life for a decade is ridiculous if not laughable.
I think you've covered every excuse including covid 🤣
Some people are just unpleasant, OP herself says he's not very nice, sometimes that's just it, no navel gazing reasons needed.

Catch an actual grip!!

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 00:11

Mistystar99 · 29/12/2023 00:08

Your son is behaving like a nasty little shit OP, and it is easy to tell because he likes to beat down on those more vulnerable than him.

Ten pages and that’s your considered opinion? Cannot see any reasons for this behaviour. No coherent suggestions regard satisfactory resolution

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 00:11

Wayk · 29/12/2023 00:02

Your son feels threatened by his step sister.
Please reassure him he is your number one priority and nobody will replace him. Maybe make time for you and him to meet once a week or whatever suits both of you for one to one time. Do not talk about the step daughter. As time goes on maybe bring the subject up again. Good luck. You are a fantastic mother.

But the truth is, he has been replaced.
For 12 years the family unit was him and his mum.
Then his mum joined William's family. So now the main family unit is his mum, William, William's daughter, their twins. And he's the odd one out.

Amybelle88 · 29/12/2023 00:13

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

This.

Imagine behaving like that because a little girl wants to call somebody mum, who has very much fulfilled the role, after not being able to say it for years, if ever.

He needs to get a grip he's being absolutely vile.

Catsmere · 29/12/2023 00:14

HerMammy · 29/12/2023 00:07

@SemperIdem
He's a man now and has lived with this child her whole life nearly.
As for the poster saying he has to know he's no.1 priority, is that over her 4 yr old twins?
I haven't said write him off, but pandering and allowing him to make threats isn't acceptable.
At least we know where half of MN get their petulant sulking husbands they moan about.

That bit got me, too. A nineteen year old always being her top priority, regardless of a nine year old and two four year olds? The word "manbaby" comes to mind!

slore · 29/12/2023 00:16

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

It's not about your son. This is none of his business and nothing to do with him, his situation is different than his stepsister's.

Also, he is an ADULT and should not be getting jealous of a nine year old who wants a mum!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 00:17

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ImustLearn2Cook · 29/12/2023 00:17

FWIW when I used the term ‘coercive control’ I was using it to describe his behaviour towards his mother in context with the dictionary definition not in reference to various psychological definitions describing intimate partner violence.

coercive control
noun [ U ]UK /kəʊˌɜː.sɪv kənˈtrəʊl/ US /koʊˌɝː.sɪv kənˈtroʊl/
Add to word list

control of another person's behaviourby using force or threats, or by causing* fear:*

control

1. to order, limit, or rule something, or someone's actions or behaviour: 2…

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/control

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 00:18

I see vile✅ and bellend✅are trending in the get ‘im told school of parenting
All online bluster and blag of course. Online getting all aerated and Phil Mitchell

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 00:18

slore · 29/12/2023 00:16

It's not about your son. This is none of his business and nothing to do with him, his situation is different than his stepsister's.

Also, he is an ADULT and should not be getting jealous of a nine year old who wants a mum!

Show quote history

And what about a 19 year old who still needs his mum too?

You haven't got a clue, have you?

HereIAmThereYouAre · 29/12/2023 00:19

Mistystar99 · 29/12/2023 00:08

Your son is behaving like a nasty little shit OP, and it is easy to tell because he likes to beat down on those more vulnerable than him.

That is completely unfair.

The OP says Overall, I have never seen him behaving rudely towards her and that he gets on great with the twin siblings.

He is just insecure about his relationship with his mother, and/or his place in the family.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 00:19

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/12/2023 00:17

FWIW when I used the term ‘coercive control’ I was using it to describe his behaviour towards his mother in context with the dictionary definition not in reference to various psychological definitions describing intimate partner violence.

coercive control
noun [ U ]UK /kəʊˌɜː.sɪv kənˈtrəʊl/ US /koʊˌɝː.sɪv kənˈtroʊl/
Add to word list

control of another person's behaviourby using force or threats, or by causing* fear:*

I couldn't care less about the basis for you using the term, because it's just so much bull!!

This is a hurt teenager lashing out. Get real.