To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

I think OP has alluded to that.

To be fair there's quite quite a age gap (responsibility & obligations) between having a grown "indipendant" child & new-child age children & throwing another child into the mix as a fully fledged child calling you mum especially after 4 years of acting like her parent does sound like your running 2 seperate familys even if you feel you've merged well so maybe he feels like you've reached the end of the line with him/fully ready to embrace being a young mother again by making it all official (name change & adoption) ?

All in all I think this probably should have been discussed years ago before you all moved in together (rather easily if the bio mother was out of the picture) & has instead been left to fester to the point where the slightest thing could of triggered it

There's some deep seated jealously that needs unpicked. I think going to therapy would be a good idea.

It's interesting he is venting to his step dad and not you about this.

Please do listen to this wise poster OP. The reason there are so many terrible husbands, hopeless adults etc out there that posters are referring to us because this stage has been skipped or inadequately addressed for them, not because it was addressed.

Sorry - yes I got caught up in the argument that a 19 year old is just a little boy.

what I really wanted to say is we should expect more from adults. That this teenager should understand it’s not age appropriate to throw temper tantrums and dictate the family dynamic

Another poster was quite right to raise coercive control. This 19 year old has to understand he can’t tell his mother and step sister how to behave. We can’t make excuses that he is just an immature little boy. He isn’t

Why would you not have age dependent expectations, how can you teach children independence etc if you don't. If a 25 yo with no additional needs can't get themselves up for work without a parent waking them would you think that it's OK and that everyone's different. Having age dependent expectations is normal, I wouldn't expect a 5 yo to understand the sort of feelings expected of this 19 yo, but I would expect to be able to have a mature conversation with any age teen upwards even if not fully resolved at first.

All the OP can do is listen to him and reassure him, her telling him why the DD would want to call her mum clearly hasn't worked.

From his viewpoint he may have never wanted siblings. At 12 to be presented with toddler and then couple years later his mums preganacy and twins - it's quite a bit for a teen to deal with.

I think the whole Covid situation has massively damaged so many young people.

My 20 year old missed out on so many 'rites of passage' due to lockdowns, missed out on doing GCSEs and AS levels, then as a YP who doesn't have the best exam technique, was launched into A levels. Mine seems to be doing just fine in uni and working p/t but missed out on a lot that the elder two experienced.

I get where you are coming from but I think those young people have suffered a lot. My eldest was just finishing their postgrad, 2nd on placement year (thankfully managed to do great placements around the lockdowns).

I think parenting has a lot to do with it. When mine went to post-primary, they were expected to be responsible for themselves. I have a sibling who can't leave home when their 18 year old has exams...

My elder two have lived away from home in the UK and Europe for years. Youngest is planning to do that next year.

None of that - and I am very proud of my kids and their achievements - detracts from my compassion for a young man who no matter the efforts his clearly loving mother has made, still feels insecure.

Your adult son irrationally feels he will be excluded and the child is getting preferential treatment. As a result he’s making threats,being irrational and trying to make it all about positioning himself as central & pivotal to you. I’m in no way excusing his behaviour but high emotional state will impede rational judgement. You need to calmly and consistently reassure him that you love him and the 9yo SD too. It’s not a competition, He won’t be excluded or denied you. He’s 19 a young enacting his conscious and unconscious anxieties and fear that he’ll be abandoned or second best

Because you can be 70 or 80, and still have complex feelings about your childhood!!

This

This

Not this.

Also is it possible your stepdaughter is sensing space in the family she can fit into/fill now that your son has grown up/your back mothering young children/shown your reliable by sticking around hence the suddenly wanting to call you mum & be adopted ?

(Btw. I still think alot of parents overestimate how successfull their familys (blended & normal) are & its crazy to me you got into a relationship with a man who had sole custody of a child & had children with him without discussing the long term relationship with the step child beforehand...)

He sounds absolutely vile

It is completely inappropriate to infer the sons feelings are “coercive control”.

No one has said that's not OK though, making threats when you don't get your own way isn't OK at 19 yos old though, I would expect a 70 yo to be able to have a conversation about their feelings without making childish threats. That's all I'm saying.

I definitely don't think the boy should be written off but equally he is old enough to be told he is being selfish, whilst also being told how loved he is etc, and he should be able to listen and take it on board. I am allowed an opinion about this based on my feelings and experiences, just as you are.

With attitudes like this it’s no wonder there are women on here complaining on and on on other threads they are blighted by men who have zero compassion or respect for others feelings. The boy needs help.

bombastic nonsense. Adds nothing. No attempt to understand or seek solution. I think all this billy big balls posturing is empty rhetoric

I'd have some counselling with son, family therapy type thing, if you can, just a session or two. Assure him of your love but let him know that whatever your step daughter calls you, is not for him to decide.

It is controlling behaviour thought isn’t it?

He has stopped talking to his mother and has said he will never see his mother or siblings again if this little girl calls his mum mum.

so at the very least he is emotionally blackmailing his mum to get his own way and control the relationship his mum has with other family members.

At 19 he's teetering on being an adult. You said you've been married to William for 7 years so your son was 12 then.Presumably you knew him for at least a year before marrying, which makes DS about 11 years old when you got together.

Obviously lots going on in his confused mind, even though his bio dad loves him and is very involved, he has issues with sharing you. You said he had to work things out when the twins arrived - well now his step sister wants to call you mum needs working out for him too.

Talking therapy perhaps? Sounds like you've said and done all the right things so maybe a few sessions with a professional might help DS.

And yes, I'd let DSD call me mum too.

Thank you. And it will be the same kind of crowd as are crying he should be told to just grow up who will hand wringing and wailing on here in five years time when he’s impervious to his partners needs.

Catch yourself on, his mother who raised him (& due to a secondary marriage/relationship) is now in the thick of raising another young, this time multi child family (1 step/soon to be adopted under 10 & twin 4yo's) at a time in his life when he's reached adulthood, has his own outlook & opinions & will probably start a family of his own within the next 10 years is being open with his feelings & being shut down by randoms.

Step familys are a frought situation & there's no reason why OP's family would be any different - even if they've had longer before it hit.

Coercive control - are you for real????

This is a young man who for some reason is hurting, and he is lashing out!!!

What the hell is wrong with people here??!!!

He is reacting in an immature way, yes.

But he is her barely adult son, it is right that the reason he feels the way he does is explored.

It is not usual to leave your children to their own devices without support before they’re out of their teens.

I am a hardline feminist but it is boring seeing every male reaction to any and all situations being dressed up as being abuse.