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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:10

SmellyKat10 · 28/12/2023 23:09

In this instance her need for a mother outranks his feeling of upset (by some margin)

I mean ultimately this ^ is the case.

However I can’t help but think back to the recent thread about the feelings of the first child(ren) when their parent remarries and has more children. And suddenly they aren’t the priority any more (or they don’t feel like they are, anyway) and they feel like they dont really belong anywhere.

I wonder if this is at play here.

Edited

Yup

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:11

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 23:08

I see a lot of recent graduates - men and women in their very early twenties. I have been shocked over recent years at how their emotional development is delayed. They are less resilient, more entitled. Often outraged at having their work corrected or critiqued. It has gotten a lot worse in the last five years or so.

I have had two (yes two) mothers contact me about their adult sons. One to check I would meet him at reception on his first day😂.

I think we need to stop babying these young adults. This thread has really highlighted that for me. A 19 year old should have the emotional intelligence to understand this situation and the ability to work though his emotions in a calmer way. He needs to
understand his reaction isn’t either compassionate or age appropriate. He needs to learn that he is not the centre of this family - he is an important, equal member but he cannot dictate every relationship.

Show quote history

Did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason for that?!

Pinkyyogapanties · 28/12/2023 23:11

This made me so emotional reading .
What a beautiful compliment she wants to call you mum.
Seeing the twins call you mum she must have desperately wanted to also call you mum. At her age I imagine it took alot of courage to do it . I’m absolutely delighted she has you in her life . I’m a step mum and it isn’t an easy role but so rewarding. Absolutely amazing you are stepping up and showing the love. Your son is 19. This little lady is 9. She needs you. Your son will come around .

1983Louise · 28/12/2023 23:12

I think it's lovely that she calls you Mum, you obviously have given her a very stable and loving home. Your son needs to grow up emotionally wise, he should be proud of you for making a happy home. He'll mature one day hopefully and realise what a twat he's been lol.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:12

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:09

The OP has tried talking to him, it's not like she has ignored him.

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Yes but it hasn’t resolved anything. I don’t envy her task, but it hasn’t resolved the situation. There something deep-seated in his resistance that needs addressing.

Onceuponaheartache · 28/12/2023 23:12

That poor child has been abandoned by her own mother and obviously appreciates all you do for her. For the love of God do not pick another name or stop her calling you mum. She doesn't deserve another rejection.

Your son is 19 and an adult. He does not get to throw toddler temper tantrums like that.

Put your foot down hard. Maybe offer to attend family counselling so.you can all.unpick his jealousy. But ultimately the only person who has the right to prevent this is her father. If he is happy with it then let it happen.

For all the ways that matter to that little girl.you arr her mum.

I guarantee when she is sick you nurse her, when she is sad you hug her and cheer her up. You do school stuff. Put plasters on, hold her when she is scared. Cheer her successes.

Good on you @Lospecesenelrio you sound so lovely!!!

Good luck as I fear his behaviour will get worse. But stand your ground. You will always be his mum but he needs you far less than that poor little girl does.

Topsyturvy78 · 28/12/2023 23:13

He's behaving like a brat. She's 9 it's only natural she would want to call you mum when her own mother isn't around.

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:13

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:01

Of course 19 is young - catch a grip!

He's barely out of school! He was a teenager during the Covid years - remember them? When their schooling and their socialising and all of that growing up was completely disrupted??? Do you have zero compassion?

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You're being ridiculous. I have a nearly 18 yo so not dissimilar in age with all that disruption plus some other situations on top of that to make life even more difficult for him. I can't even see how you have taken that I have zero compassion from my posts.

Not giving in to a 19 yos demands doesn't mean I would lack compassion, it just means I have higher expectations of a 19 yo adult than you do. Why are your expectations of a 19 yo man so low.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2023 23:14

Op all you can do is keep on reassuring him that your love for him is unlimited and in no diminished by the presence of any of the girls. Her calling you the name of the role you've carried out since she was 2 chambers nothing for you two and everything for her. Is he wrong listen, perhaps write it down.

How's your relationship with his Dad? Would he have a word with him?

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:14

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:12

Yes but it hasn’t resolved anything. I don’t envy her task, but it hasn’t resolved the situation. There something deep-seated in his resistance that needs addressing.

Show quote history

Maybe he needs some time to think about it and articulate how he's feeling there. The OP is not doing anything wrong in this situation though

Devonshiregal · 28/12/2023 23:15

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:39

@Devonshiregal

Thanks for your interesting insight. I have had him when I was a teenager, luckily I had my parents who helped me and his father. He sees his dad every weekends or whenever he wants. I always made sure to reassure him, throughout the years, make him know a I LOVE him. We did/do plenty of activities together , without William and his sisters.

I don’t doubt it. Kids are annoying though and tend to see the negative. My kid told me tonight I’m grumpy because I refuse them ice cream too much - I literally gave them ice cream at 10am this morning to be the cool mum!

I just mean clearly you’re a loving person (as your relationship with SD shows) and you WANT a great relationship with your son, so sometimes when you want to wring their neck, you just have to take a step back and accept they need you to say sorry and that you love them rather than tell them they’re wrong for feeling that way.

And if you tell him to bugger off and that he’s being petulant, and then he sees she starts calling you mum, he’s just going to feel that he was right in his feelings and feel justified in having felt jealous.

sorry you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hope it works out really well for you all :)

Hayzl · 28/12/2023 23:15

I think it's fantastic she wants to call you mum and you are happy with this- bottom line is you are in fact a mum to her. Not blood related but that's it.

She's at an age where she can make up her own mind and it'll probably give her a sense of belonging even more so.

My first reaction to your ADULT ds was, he needs to grow up.
Caring me says write him a letter/ text reminding him he is loved, your eldest ds so always has a special place in your heart etc and while you don't want him to move out, you will always love him etc.

If you don't make your own choice your adult son will do more than this to control you.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:16

Copperoliverbear · 28/12/2023 22:46

Your son is an adult and behaving like a spoiled brat and if he threatened me by saying he'd leave if I didn't do what he wants, I'd say you must do what you think is best, he'd soon come running back with his tail between his legs.
What a brat.

He might. Or whatever is triggering this admittedly immature behaviour might deepen. It isn’t babying people to want to help them process things that have been difficult. As a society we tend to be very blasé about the impact on children of blended families.

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 23:18

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:11

Did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason for that?!

Show quote history

There are lots of reasons - an absolute multitude. But these young adults who can’t cope with basic life tasks don’t tend flourish in the work place. I also wonder how young men like OP’s son will navigate normal life ups and downs - it’s important to be clear on expectations. It’s okay to feel upset and frustrated about things - but at 19 he should be able to process and express those emotions. Some adults never learn this skill - and we read about the awful partners they become on this site all the time.

if a 22 year old needs his mum to arrange his first day at a highly competitive graduate programme then it is unlikely he will have the self motivation, confidence and independent thought to lead a team, work independently and win a contract.

Life skills are so important - and I have absolutely seen them be eroded.

we have changed our training programmes - introduced interpersonal skills, pushed independence etc etc. but it’s a highly competitive field.

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:18

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:13

You're being ridiculous. I have a nearly 18 yo so not dissimilar in age with all that disruption plus some other situations on top of that to make life even more difficult for him. I can't even see how you have taken that I have zero compassion from my posts.

Not giving in to a 19 yos demands doesn't mean I would lack compassion, it just means I have higher expectations of a 19 yo adult than you do. Why are your expectations of a 19 yo man so low.

Show quote history

Because I judge situations as I find them, and never mind what your or your children have or have not experienced, this young man is finding it difficult to accept that his stepsister calls his mother, "mum", too, and because there is clearly a reason why he feels that way, and it should not be disregarded.

I don't think the OP will disregard it though, even though people like you think he should be kicked into touch.

It's so not about "giving in to demands" - it's about understanding, love and compassion.

I don't have expectations of anyone that are age-dependent. What a strange concept.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:18

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:14

Maybe he needs some time to think about it and articulate how he's feeling there. The OP is not doing anything wrong in this situation though

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She’s in an impossible situation. But I don’t think that’s an excuse to dismiss her sons issues which are clearly valid to him even if we see them as immature. I actually think he needs some counselling.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/12/2023 23:19

" I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

well if your put out by that your as childish as he is😆

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/12/2023 23:20

While this young man/teenager does need understanding and help to deal with his very strong feelings, his behaviour cannot be justified or excused.

He has threatened to never see you or his siblings again unless you comply with his demands. That is coercive control and abusive. If he is also treating his girlfriend like that then she is in an abusive relationship. It needs to be nipped in the bud now. Before he joins the ranks of abusive, entitled men out there hurting far too many women.

He has no right to dictate the terms of your relationships with others when it really, actually has no impact or consequence on him. And him not liking it is not him being impacted or on the receiving end of the consequences of your actions. It is merely his personal opinion and he is responsible for managing his personal opinions and his feelings as a result of them.

He can have whatever feelings or opinions he likes but he still needs to respect the boundaries. He has absolutely crossed them. He has no right to control other people like that.

Useruser1212 · 28/12/2023 23:20

She's a child and your son is an adult - who will be more damaged if you do/don't allow her to call you mum? She will be the one who is most developmentally damaged by it. You are happy for her to call you mum because outside of biological factors, you are her mum. I think it's wonderful that you have this relationship with her. Your son may feel a bit weird about it, but he's an adult and he'll get over it. If you told this little girl to not call you mum, that will forever have a negative impact on her - she will already have abandonment issues from her own biological mother leaving her, your influence in her life is bigger than you think and allowing her to call you mum will mean more to her than you'll ever know. Speaking from personal experience btw.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:21

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 23:18

There are lots of reasons - an absolute multitude. But these young adults who can’t cope with basic life tasks don’t tend flourish in the work place. I also wonder how young men like OP’s son will navigate normal life ups and downs - it’s important to be clear on expectations. It’s okay to feel upset and frustrated about things - but at 19 he should be able to process and express those emotions. Some adults never learn this skill - and we read about the awful partners they become on this site all the time.

if a 22 year old needs his mum to arrange his first day at a highly competitive graduate programme then it is unlikely he will have the self motivation, confidence and independent thought to lead a team, work independently and win a contract.

Life skills are so important - and I have absolutely seen them be eroded.

we have changed our training programmes - introduced interpersonal skills, pushed independence etc etc. but it’s a highly competitive field.

Show quote history

With respect, a lot of the issues you cite are in a very different context from this strictly family related issue.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2023 23:21

Your Son is insecure. I think it'd be interesting to know why. From his point of view, that is. But that isnt possible so I'll just go with suspecting there's a backstory somewhere, possibly to do with your husband/marriage

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:22

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:18

She’s in an impossible situation. But I don’t think that’s an excuse to dismiss her sons issues which are clearly valid to him even if we see them as immature. I actually think he needs some counselling.

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I agree, unfortunately she can only suggest these things and not force him though. It may just be he is just being petulant and will come round though. Only the OP would know this.

Goldbar31 · 28/12/2023 23:22

Let her call you mum ❤️

sunglassesonthetable · 28/12/2023 23:22

It isn’t babying people to want to help them process things that have been difficult.

This. So true. I wish society could do this more. Think of all the threads on MN that reflect this.

You've clearly been a loving mother to your SD. It's a real credit to you that she wants to call you Mum.

Your DS's reaction is inappropriate but shows he is struggling. You need to help him too.

SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 23:22

He isn’t a child, but he is the op’s child.

Him feeling so strongly about this shouldn’t just be written off as “adult, deal with it”. He’s barely an adult, for starters.

I actually think it is positive he is sharing his feelings with his mum, even it’s being done a bit bluntly. It speaks volumes for their relationship that he is being open about how he feels.

There’s probably quite a bit that he and his mum need to unpack here, possibly about how included he feels in the family.