To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

So a step mum is not a mum? Can be in my books

Thank you for your 'opinion'.

I'm sorry not sorry actually that I've been speaking up for the 19 year old in the face of some horrible comments.

If you have been following the thread, then you will also be aware of them.

Enjoy your evening.

You know some step parents ARE the mum or dad. Step dads have given step kids away at their wedding. Step parents are parents too. You seem to think it is more appropriate that everyone else gets to call OP mum. Just not this little girl. Please don't ever become a step parent. You'd be awful.

*Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.*

This

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

" very odd " says the parent who would kick their child out instead of trying to reassure them there's no problem. 🙄👌🏼

Please don’t do that. It doesn’t sound like you do intend to. Your SD already has a lifetime of potential issues ahead of her due to the abandonment of her by her mum which will make her question why adults don’t love her / didn’t want her. How lovely that you are stepping up to try to show her otherwise, alongside her dad of course. I feel very sad for your step daughters situation with her mum and it’s so heartening to read of your love for her, and that you want to follow her lead. I would seriously consider adopting her so that she sees and knows it is a permanent process. I really do applaud your mindset and care of this little person navigating a world most of us can’t really imagine, where a parent doesn’t care. Hopefully with time and the consistent care from you and dad, the impact will be much less on her than it could have been.

Your son just needs time to adjust. Of course he will. His age will help and hopefully his thought process will not take long to change. As other posters have said, it’s just about trying to articulate to him how lucky he is to have both his parents involved in his life, she is not so fortunate. How would he feel if he didn’t have a mum who had wanted to see him for 4 years. And that yes he can call William and your ex partners wife whatever he wants. with discussion with them. He just needs to hear that everyone is there to continue to love and support him, nothing has changed. Your feelings haven’t changed and family life hasn’t changed for anyone other than SD maybe feeling like she belongs a little more.

That’s an incorrect statement. More than one person has suggested something other than mum.

Son resents stepdaughter calling mum mum.

No - we just have a very different view of how Dc should be brought up. I expect mine to show compassion and understanding. It is utterly ridiculous for a 19 year old to behave like this. If DH and I decided to adopt a child, in time that child would probably want to call us mum and dad, as I have seen with a friend’s adopted child. I would not tolerate a 19 year old child of mine objecting to that.

You sound like an amazing mum. He’s struggling with the change. He’s had a lot of it. It’s a testament to you that she wants to call you mum. I’d keep going as you are. Keep letting her call you mum, keep allowing your son to share his feelings about it (be empathic and acknowledge his pain) but don’t budge on it. Let him know that threats to leave or withdraw is not an ok way to express his hurt and it won’t change your mind, but that you love him and want to understand how he feels. Rinse and repeat.

I feel for you OP. But you are right to allow your step daughter this and to deny her would be so damaging.

This thread made me cry.
I'd have loved it if my step children ever called me anything other than awful..
So sorry your son can't see love begats love.

He will. He just needs support coming round to that point. He’s right that she is his biological mum and he has clearly valued that connection, which is only right and good. Play the long game OP: you want DS and SD to forge a connection and support in each other that will hopefully last long after you have gone. Not addressing DS’s hesitations round this sensitively could play out worse for both of them in the long run.

… as you say, it’s love that begets love. Not telling him to shove his issues or showing him the door.

So many ugly responses aimed at the son for going against the holy grail of MN when it comes to blended families and not playing ball, as in shut up and put up.
Mum has bought a new man into his life, a new step sister and then two twins. I think deep down he is hurt and insecure that he has lost his place in the family.
He is not being internationally unkind but honest. It's not his SS he is angry with but his Mum.
There is a very unrealistic belief on here that kids should just suck it all up and get on with it, that maybe the case when kids are young but not the way it works with older more assertive kids in real life.

Absolutely he is hurt and insecure about his place in the family. And yes: he’s 19 not 9. But isn’t it good that his place in the family still matters to him? I’d be more concerned if he’d eaten your food, slept in your beds, then discarded you all like a snakeskin.

It's wonderful that DSD wants to call OP mum.

But to tell a 19 year old he's a bellend, show him the door, tell him to grow the fuck up?

A 19 year old can be just as immature, afraid, irrational as the rest of us. He's an adult but a very new one. He clearly is very affected.

I think OP will handle this with as much compassion as is needed. Her DD needs her and so does her son.

But nothing will change materially for this young man. He still has his mum as he has had for all 19 years of his life. He has a job, friends, a girlfriend, a social life, so probably not even home all that much. OP hasn’t discarded him like a snakeskin; it’s not her who is giving the silent treatment! And she’s certainly not discarding him by letting a little girl who has been abandoned by her own mother, call her ‘mum’.

OP is the matriarch of the family; for this little girl to feel part of the family (and this is her only family) she should call OP mum. I am really quite surprised she hasn’t until now. This young man is making it all about him.

100% SD should call you Mum. Bless her heart, it must have taken an awful lot of courage to ask and risk rejection again.

Your son is a separate issue. Telling people to grow up/get a grip... I thought we were better than that by now. He feels what he feels and although he doesn't get to tell you his step sister can't call you Mum, I think it would be unwise not to listen. In an ideal world we would all be able to process and deal with every human emotion at 18, but a look around us tells us that is far from the case.

As an outsider it seems like he feels insecure about his place as your child, maybe that is actually made worse by being 19 and being on the verge of leaving home. Please reassure him over and over, ignore the threats that is just the small boy inside of him, spend 1 on 1 with him if you can and love him through it.

But nothing will change materially for this young man. He still has his mum as he has had for all 19 years of his life. He has a job, friends, a girlfriend, a social life, so probably not even home all that much. OP hasn’t discarded him like a snakeskin; it’s not her who is giving the silent treatment! And she’s certainly not discarding him by letting a little girl who has been abandoned by her own mother, call her ‘mum’.

WE know nothing will change for him.

This isn't logical. It's irrational emotion.

I disagree, he isn’t making it all about him. He’s just experiencing a certain level of confusion / worry / whatever else that he is expressing in the only way he knows how. He is still very young himself. As humans at 19 our brains are still very much developing.

There is always a reason behind behaviour and I’m tired of reading comments which are not considering his feelings and needs.

I’m not implying either way but I genuinelly wonder what the comments would be if DS19 was actually a DD19. His emotions and feelings are completely valid on the matter. He is allowed to feel however he is feeling and it is up to OP to try to explore that with him and help him to get to a better level of understanding, which I imagine will include addressing some deep rooted worries of his.

I also completely agree with those saying that SD calling OP mum is lovely, and I definitely don’t think OP should stop that if it is something that feels natural and not forced.

However I think the situation here now is more about how to approach the situation with DS. And about understanding his underlying concerns and needs. I’m not saying every 19 year old can be excused for behaviour because their brains are still developing, however a little more compassion certainly wouldn’t go amiss.

I don’t doubt that OP has compassion for her DS in this, it’s more some of the comments on MN that I’m referring to. I certainly would not want a DS of mine reading some of the comments on here aimed towards them, if this was my thread. Absolutely no compassion at all for him from some people.

Whoever thinks he needs to “get over it” “man up” “be shown the door” and whatever other awful comments I have read really should take a look at themselves rather than commenting like this about what could be quite a vulnerable 19 year old.

Honestly some people should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm guessing that the DS has had 10 years of almost constant change.
Again
Parents separating.
New home
New schools
EOW possibly one day in the week
Dad's new partner
Mum's new partner
Two marriages
Twins
Step sister
Possibly new family on the dad's side
etc. etc. etc.

He has done well to come out of this as normal as he has.
So posters need to learn some empathy for the boy, because its easy to see why so many boys turn into shit men if we are going back to the "man up" BS.

Totally unreasonable for him to begrudge a little girl this one thing, when it sounds like he has loving and supportive family members coming out of his ears.

He doesn't need to refer to OPs husband as dad, because he has a dad. Very selfish IMO.

You’ve made quite a lot of that up. Parents separated 15 years ago, he probably can’t remember them being together. OP hasn’t mentioned new schools or homes. He hasn’t experienced any more “constant change” than thousands of other kids.

Other than the guess at the time of separation (which I have said is a guess), which bits are made up?
You made made up that he can't remember anything about his parents being together, we don't know, presumably he changed from primary to secondary and maybe again for a levels. And unless all four parents live together that would be a new home.
We can even put in that he had time when it was just him and his mum in the home.
He may not have experienced more "constant change" than thousands of other kids, but other kids have gone off the rails for lots less.

You made made up that he can't remember anything about his parents being together

I said probably.