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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Debtfreegoals · 29/12/2023 21:45

I know this is a harsher opinion- but I’d probably tell my son to grow the f up and mind his own business.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:48

One definitely no and one MumForename compromise. Hardly a deluge of nay sayers. Not a ringing endorsement of your point.
However,you did go back to check and unearthed two posts. I have read the thread, have evidently not retained every single post. I don’t feel I need to have a memorised timeline of content. I have actively contributed and will continue to do so

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 21:50

Genericusername3 · 29/12/2023 21:42

I feel for both your son and SD.

It’s lovely your SD feels secure enough to call you mum.

There’s definitely something underlying with your son, whether he says there is or not. Maybe a (subconscious or conscious) fear of abandonment. I definitely don’t agree with posts that show no empathy towards him. I feel like some things on MN are far too complex to resolve through a forum, given there will likely be far more to the situation than you would be able to explain / explore on here. Have you tried a therapist, or family therapist? I hope you can find a way that works for everyone, OP.

This is a very wise post Op, especially the bit about some things being too complicated for a thread. It really isn’t a case of “choosing” one child’s needs over the other and justifying that, but of working to resolve the issues as a family.

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 21:54

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

What exactly does “ showing him the door” mean? Out of OP’s life?

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:56

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

show door as in compel him to leave? What if he cannot or will not go
what about impact on rest of family? Where will he go?
How does the son being forced to leave home help? It will reinforce feeling of abandonment and loss. Throwing him out is harsh and unnecessary

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:56

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:48

One definitely no and one MumForename compromise. Hardly a deluge of nay sayers. Not a ringing endorsement of your point.
However,you did go back to check and unearthed two posts. I have read the thread, have evidently not retained every single post. I don’t feel I need to have a memorised timeline of content. I have actively contributed and will continue to do so

You asked for examples, I found you some. Just because it wasn’t littered with negative posters, the point was made presumably because in this case it’s hard to conceive it could be anything other than unanimously in favour of the OP. However, whether you agree or disagree, one person is equally as entitled to their point of view as another. This is an online forum, not a school playground. One doesn’t need a point to be endorsed by others to be valid or considered. What an odd point of view you hold. I actually only made it to page 3 and decided it was an arduous task but they were from page one. I can very well imagine there may be more. I don’t feel that need either, I just remember reading some early on in the thread. It wasn’t actually my point. I was just helping you find some examples as you asked so nicely.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:02

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:42

FloofCloud · Yesterday 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

RedHelenB · Yesterday 21:42
But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

First page, maybe read the full thread next time.

Edited
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A whole two in an 18 page-long thread? And even then, both posters made alternative suggestions.

No wonder most posters didn't take them under their notice!

Is that the best you can come up with?

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 22:03

Aww, she's just being affectionate and she wants to be part of the babies and you and William's life, especially with an absent mother. I'm sure she calls her mum mum as well when she sees her.

I'd tell son that she is half sister to the babies. He can stop being stroppy!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:03

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:42

FloofCloud · Yesterday 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

RedHelenB · Yesterday 21:42
But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

First page, maybe read the full thread next time.

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe you're the one who needs to read the full thread, next time...

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:05

Debtfreegoals · 29/12/2023 21:45

I know this is a harsher opinion- but I’d probably tell my son to grow the f up and mind his own business.

Some parent!!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:06

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

I hope you don't have children.

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 22:06

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:02

A whole two in an 18 page-long thread? And even then, both posters made alternative suggestions.

No wonder most posters didn't take them under their notice!

Is that the best you can come up with?

Show quote history

The best I could come up with? What point is it I’ve said im trying to prove exactly? People were asking for examples of those who said they don’t think for whatever reason that the OP should call her mum because they couldnt recall. I didn’t trawl through all 18 pages, I don’t have time for that but if people want to be argumentative about it, then they probably should RTFT. That was page one. As I’ve said upthread, it wasn’t my point I was just posting for their information.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:08

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:56

You asked for examples, I found you some. Just because it wasn’t littered with negative posters, the point was made presumably because in this case it’s hard to conceive it could be anything other than unanimously in favour of the OP. However, whether you agree or disagree, one person is equally as entitled to their point of view as another. This is an online forum, not a school playground. One doesn’t need a point to be endorsed by others to be valid or considered. What an odd point of view you hold. I actually only made it to page 3 and decided it was an arduous task but they were from page one. I can very well imagine there may be more. I don’t feel that need either, I just remember reading some early on in the thread. It wasn’t actually my point. I was just helping you find some examples as you asked so nicely.

Edited
Show quote history

As requested You found two posts. 1 op not the mum and 1 mum and forename compromise. That in no way is a tah-dah moment that changes the thread tone or direction. Unfortunately a lot of the thread have been recommending harsh and punitive solutions.
What is your actual point having found 1 affirmative she’s not the mum post, what do you think this adds?

Genericusername3 · 29/12/2023 22:08

LovelyIssues · 29/12/2023 21:51

Did you say he was 19!?! An actual ADULT whose having a hissy fit over someone else saying Mummy?! That is v odd OP. I'd be showing him the door...

Wow. Extremely simplistic and absolutely no consideration for the son’s needs in this post. And showing him the door would hardly be a great example for the other kids either.

”Hey kids, I’ve kicked DS out because he’s expressing some kind of emotional disturbance and I don’t have the inclination / depth to help him, and ultimately us as a family, to figure out what’s happening for him. So take note! Because when you’re older if you express any form of emotion that I’m not comfortable with, you’ll be on your way too”

Lovely.

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:10

I don't understand how you aren't a mum to her? You may not be her biological mum, as she is aware, but you're still a mum to her (the best/only one she has really by the sound of it) so why shouldn't she call you mum?

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:15

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:10

I don't understand how you aren't a mum to her? You may not be her biological mum, as she is aware, but you're still a mum to her (the best/only one she has really by the sound of it) so why shouldn't she call you mum?

Oh do keep up - SD wants to call OP mum, OP is happy with that - OP's DS isn't.

@Lospecesenelrio this is going round in circles now. I think the best thing you could do is get someone else to talk to him. Either his dad, or a grandparent. It's too emotional I think for both of you - he needs someone to gently tell him that his stepsister calling you mum is only a word so far as he is concerned, and will never make a jot of difference to your love for him, but that it's a huge thing for a little girl who hasn't 'officially' really ever had a mother. You have clearly been a mother to her all along - it's just expressing it out loud now.

Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.

IsThisOneAvailable · 29/12/2023 22:17

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 22:15

Oh do keep up - SD wants to call OP mum, OP is happy with that - OP's DS isn't.

@Lospecesenelrio this is going round in circles now. I think the best thing you could do is get someone else to talk to him. Either his dad, or a grandparent. It's too emotional I think for both of you - he needs someone to gently tell him that his stepsister calling you mum is only a word so far as he is concerned, and will never make a jot of difference to your love for him, but that it's a huge thing for a little girl who hasn't 'officially' really ever had a mother. You have clearly been a mother to her all along - it's just expressing it out loud now.

Your son just needs a bucketload of reassurance on that point - and then down the line address the silent treatment thing! They're separate issues though.

I really hope it all works out for you. You seem to have a lovely family.

Show quote history

Yes, I am well aware of that, but thanks.

Maybe also 'keep up' and read the number of comments suggesting OP is BU and that 'mum' is a step too far etc...

wonderwomaninaus · 29/12/2023 22:17

I think it’s lovely she calls you Mum and how you care about her so much. Not all step parents do. You sound like a very caring person. Your son sounds like he has some maturing to do, he can only see it from his point of view and a in practical way. As he matures he may understand this more. I would keep it the way it is, as she too is your daughter regardless of whether you gave birth to her.

User789456 · 29/12/2023 22:21

I think it's lovely re your DSD. What I would say is maybe try to set aside some Mum/ son time so he feels you're sometimes there just for him? So say go out for Sunday breakfast just the two of you ( or with his gf if he wants). Could that help?

WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast · 29/12/2023 22:21

@mayorofcasterbridge I've been following this thread and have to ask, what is your problem? Why are your posts so aggressive? Can you not debate matters in a reasonable manner?

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 22:21

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:08

As requested You found two posts. 1 op not the mum and 1 mum and forename compromise. That in no way is a tah-dah moment that changes the thread tone or direction. Unfortunately a lot of the thread have been recommending harsh and punitive solutions.
What is your actual point having found 1 affirmative she’s not the mum post, what do you think this adds?

Show quote history

I wasn’t looking for a tah-dah moment, you seem strangely fixated on the idea of “one-upping” people on this thread. It’s really weird. Incase you hadn’t heard, it’s not an exam. I don’t require your approval for my comment to be worthy enough to post. If you don’t think my post adds to the discussion then scroll on and don’t reply it’s fairly straight forward. You asked for any examples, you got some. Whether you agree with them or not isn’t my concern. Move on, I promise it doesn’t hurt that much.

whatthehellnow23 · 29/12/2023 22:27

I can understand why he wouldn't like it... personally I think you can have the best relationship in the world but there's so many affectionate nicknames but mum shouldn't be it.
My step daughter lives with me full times and hasn't seen mum in 3 years but she's much older mid teen so wouldn't feel the need to have me be called mum.

I would of hated another child calling my parent mum or dad I think too it's not not needed from either side

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 22:30

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 22:21

I wasn’t looking for a tah-dah moment, you seem strangely fixated on the idea of “one-upping” people on this thread. It’s really weird. Incase you hadn’t heard, it’s not an exam. I don’t require your approval for my comment to be worthy enough to post. If you don’t think my post adds to the discussion then scroll on and don’t reply it’s fairly straight forward. You asked for any examples, you got some. Whether you agree with them or not isn’t my concern. Move on, I promise it doesn’t hurt that much.

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Show quote history

You found 1 post supporting your pov, ok. You looked through thread,well done you
You do seem to be somewhat labouring the 1 post you found, advising posters read the thread and reproaching posters for not recalling all 18 pages. You also Advised posters to RTFT.

You are Correct you do not require my approval, luckily I’m not offering it. It appears we agree on that

I will post and contribute to thread as I wish, and I hope you will too

AllIsWellish · 29/12/2023 23:06

I'd keep trying to get to the bottom of the issue with him. Maybe his dad could speak to him too. The manipulation and sulking when he doesn't get his way needs to stop though