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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Kellogg1 · 29/12/2023 20:05

I find it astonishing that a 19year old can’t allow his mother to be called mum by a young child whose mother is absent and you are fulfilling that role.

Blood does not make a family.

Ask him to write down a reasonable argument as to why he isn’t happy with it happening. He will struggle without sounding incredibly immature and petty.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 29/12/2023 20:06

Nipsmum · 29/12/2023 20:02

He is a man. Tell him to man up

Brilliant.
I wonder how many young men that have gone on to commit suicide have been told to 'man up'?
He is allowed feelings about this situation, he may be going about expressing them poorly but it's no wonder so many of our adult males lack emotional intelligence if this is the way they are parented.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2023 20:07

Nipsmum · 29/12/2023 20:02

He is a man. Tell him to man up

Did we just step back in time?
Until I read this thread I had hoped that we were passed this BS.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 20:08

Nipsmum · 29/12/2023 20:02

He is a man. Tell him to man up

It’s your suggestion, why don’t you explain how he man’s up
what does he do?
what if he won’t man up? What if he cannot or will not man up, who will instruct him?
is this universal advice, do you tell all male relatives and friends to resolve emotional turmoil by manning up?
Attachment,and fear of abandonment = man up?
what about exam stress, university pressure, relationships are they all man up situations? Is everything in life a simple man up. In fact if it’s so simple should manning up be on the curriculum? PSHE the man up years
Hows about Covid, should we all man up following that? Was there enough man up during that pandemic

Blueink · 29/12/2023 20:08

Your son needs to recognise he’s actually an adult now. I don’t know if he is willing to reflect and consider his situation is very different to DSD (timings, age difference, relationship with parents)?

It’s lovely and understandable she’s made this request and would go along with it.

I’d be open to discussing with DS but not to be manipulated by him.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 20:08

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:01

Oh don't be so ridiculous. I'm 60 and I am still my parents' child ffs!!!!

Show quote history

My 35yo is still MY child, but he is not A child. Your comment however is very childish indeed.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 29/12/2023 20:10

ShiteRider · 28/12/2023 21:50

There’s more to being a mum than biology

Show quote history

This is the key point to get through to your son.
you are acting as her mother. Ask him how he thinks you should be treating her differently?

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:19

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 20:08

My 35yo is still MY child, but he is not A child. Your comment however is very childish indeed.

Show quote history

Your comments throughout this thread have been childish and ridiculous. You would argue with your toenails.

In any case, I was referring to the OP's children, same way as you refer to your child, and if you weren't so busy trying to be argumentative, you should have noted that.

A 19 year old is barely out of childhood. Biggest load of crap posted on this site sometimes!

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 20:20

He is a man. Tell him to man up

Pathetic

pineapplesundae · 29/12/2023 20:22

Don’t listen to FloofCloud or your DS. Your son should be embarrassed to harbor such resentment against a nine year old. Is there a counselor that he can talk to? He needs to learn compassion and empathy.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:24

pineapplesundae · 29/12/2023 20:22

Don’t listen to FloofCloud or your DS. Your son should be embarrassed to harbor such resentment against a nine year old. Is there a counselor that he can talk to? He needs to learn compassion and empathy.

What makes you think it's "resentment"??

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheSilentSister · 29/12/2023 20:47

Totally not the same but my parents had a female lodger once and I couldn't stand the thought that if they went out together (they worked together for years) that people thought she was their daughter, not me!! Totally irrational I know. I felt like I'd been side-lined/replaced even though I didn't live at home anymore. I didn't rock the boat though as I knew I was being weird and I got over it eventually.
Is there any other family member (wider circle) that could have a word with him. In any case, don't invalidate his feelings, just lots of reassurance.

Nickyknakynoo · 29/12/2023 20:53

Is this kind of jealous behaviour uncommon in your son or more of a recognised personality trait ? I think the answer to that would influence what I said to him but in essence he is going to have to accept the situation and learn that he cannot emotionally blackmail people into doing his bidding. For one thing his emotional future life will certainly be adversely affected if he believes this kind of behavior is acceptable.
I am the worst at mollycoddling my children but always draw the line at behavior I believe is detrimental to their future happiness and those around them. This behaviour of your DS falls into this category.
You do not have to feel apologetic for feeling this way about your SD , you obviously love her . This is an important life lesson for DS and a potentially wonderful, incredibly positive outcome in your SD's emotional development

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:01

There are some very cruel people on here suggesting that a small girl should not be able to call you mum. Thank god you are kinder. As for your son, 19 is hard, wanting to be an adult but knowing you are not fully able to be independent or support yourself yet. Take him out, have a conversation with him, emphasis your support for him but also that this little girl is going to get what she needs.

OhmygodDont · 29/12/2023 21:02

I think everyone’s skipping over the blended family part here still.

child teen and now adult his clearly been feeling slowly pushed out. His now the only outsider. Everyone else is full
time with mummy and daddy. His the only one who has a split home for years now. The mum thing is likely his tipping point his last straw on feeling an outsider.

but it’s fine his 19 and a male fuck him 🙄

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 21:10

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:01

There are some very cruel people on here suggesting that a small girl should not be able to call you mum. Thank god you are kinder. As for your son, 19 is hard, wanting to be an adult but knowing you are not fully able to be independent or support yourself yet. Take him out, have a conversation with him, emphasis your support for him but also that this little girl is going to get what she needs.

Can I just point something out to you here - not one single poster has suggested that a small girl should not be able to call the OP mum!!!!

But OP also has a son with issues around it, for whatever reason, and his emotions count too. The situation needs to be managed very sensitively, taking everyone's interests and needs into consideration!

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:15

OhmygodDont · 29/12/2023 21:02

I think everyone’s skipping over the blended family part here still.

child teen and now adult his clearly been feeling slowly pushed out. His now the only outsider. Everyone else is full
time with mummy and daddy. His the only one who has a split home for years now. The mum thing is likely his tipping point his last straw on feeling an outsider.

but it’s fine his 19 and a male fuck him 🙄

blended family has been repeatedly raised as has attachment and family dynamics
When these topics are raised it’s usually been derided with a terse advice to man up, or get rid

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 21:23

There are some very cruel people on here suggesting that a small girl should not be able to call you mum

Where?

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:25

There are some very cruel people on here suggesting that a small girl should not be able to call you mum ⬅️ where?who? Examples please . Cannot recall reading any such posts

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 21:31

FrippEnos · 29/12/2023 20:07

Did we just step back in time?
Until I read this thread I had hoped that we were passed this BS.

Show quote history

Yes it’s appalling.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2023 21:38

RTFT. First page.

ChellyT · 29/12/2023 21:41

Ted27 · 28/12/2023 22:18

I have a 19 year old son. I also foster a 12 year old who has been with me for 7 months, who calls me mum. He also calls my parents nanny and grandad. My son is absolutely fine with this.
We all understand that our fosterling has a mum, the one who has let him down. We also all understand that our fosterling has a desperate need for a mum figure. And at the moment I'm it.
I think your son needs to grow up and the child you recognise as your daughter should be able to call her mum figure, mum

Absolutely this 🌸
To even suggest denying your little one (from another mother) the connection she needs at the moment breaks my heart @Lospecesenelrio so I can feel the turmoil you are feeling.
Your son still has a lot of growing up to do (frontal lobe development crap and all). Stand your ground and be the adult in the room for all your children 🌸

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:42

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 21:25

There are some very cruel people on here suggesting that a small girl should not be able to call you mum ⬅️ where?who? Examples please . Cannot recall reading any such posts

FloofCloud · Yesterday 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

RedHelenB · Yesterday 21:42
But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

First page, maybe read the full thread next time.

Genericusername3 · 29/12/2023 21:42

I feel for both your son and SD.

It’s lovely your SD feels secure enough to call you mum.

There’s definitely something underlying with your son, whether he says there is or not. Maybe a (subconscious or conscious) fear of abandonment. I definitely don’t agree with posts that show no empathy towards him. I feel like some things on MN are far too complex to resolve through a forum, given there will likely be far more to the situation than you would be able to explain / explore on here. Have you tried a therapist, or family therapist? I hope you can find a way that works for everyone, OP.