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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:07

Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females.

" Riding rough shod over females "

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:09

Once again it's the fault of mothers who didn't put adolescent boys straight.

What garbage.

imsoverytired83 · 29/12/2023 19:12

You sound lovely and your step daughters request backs that up. She obviously loves you a lot.

I'd explain to your son he can call his step mum whatever he wants. Her calling you mum doesn't change how you feel about him. I'd also consider adopting her if you can. He needs to grow up.

imsoverytired83 · 29/12/2023 19:13

Tell him 'I want to be her mum'

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:14

No one is at fault.its really not about women inadequately parenting men
This is a manifestation of human condition eg our vulnerabilities, ties,love and fear. We all experience these emotions and we all learn and exhibit a range of coping. This young man isn’t coping, he’s said as much. He needs support
His fears are conscious & unconscious it is about emotions,attachment,blended families and irrational but deep fear of abandonment . He is sad not bad. He is human, it’s how we are wired

Mumof2NDers · 29/12/2023 19:16

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:03

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

Here we sum up 'coercive control'. And how to sort it out.

Young females might need emotional support but not young men.

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

Julimia · 29/12/2023 19:19

This is clearly what your SD wants or she wouldn't be doing it. This is not about what you are 'letting her do' explain this to your son and let him sort out his threats without you showing that he is 'getting to you'

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:25

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

of course they do @Mumof2NDers I was being sarcastic re what @DeeLusional said.

Mumof2NDers · 29/12/2023 19:27

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:25

Wtaf?
Young men don’t need emotional support?
What an absolute load of fucking bollocks!

of course they do @Mumof2NDers I was being sarcastic re what @DeeLusional said.

I’m so sorry. I was reading posts on here in between reading texts from my DS (who has managed to get himself stranded miles from home again!) x

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:31

Young females might need emotional support but not young men ⬅️utter Nonsense
Gender stereotypes and assigning roles is harmful and is not meeting individual needs, nonsense like this creates and perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces dysfunctional beliefs
Humans have individual needs that aren’t easily reduced or categorised into male and female needs.
We all need,want and seek regard, love and warmth. Irrespective of whether one is male or female

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:34

slore · 29/12/2023 00:25

Yes, because his feelings are completely and utterly unreasonable. You can't even give a good reason for it.

Show quote history

I don't have to - I am not inside his head!! You're utterly unreasonable!

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 19:35

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:31

Young females might need emotional support but not young men ⬅️utter Nonsense
Gender stereotypes and assigning roles is harmful and is not meeting individual needs, nonsense like this creates and perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces dysfunctional beliefs
Humans have individual needs that aren’t easily reduced or categorised into male and female needs.
We all need,want and seek regard, love and warmth. Irrespective of whether one is male or female

The poster was being sarcastic.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:36

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/12/2023 00:39

He is using threats to control his mother’s behaviour and that is coercive control. It does need to be addressed for his sake as much as anybody else’s.

And failing to address his inappropriate behaviour because of his feelings is not doing him any favours. Excusing his behaviour because of his feelings will not benefit him at all.

If he is not challenged on this behaviour now, he will repeat it. Every time he repeats this behaviour and gets away with it he will feel more justified and entitled to behave that way. Then the behaviour escalates. That is called environmental conditioning. And we are all shaped to some extent by environmental conditioning. It’s part of our human development and no one is above that.

In many studies of intimate partner violence, coercive control was the precursor to physical acts of violence and murder.

And while I am not predicting his future by this one incident. I am saying that it is important for him to learn right now that it is not ok to control other people by threatening them.

Show quote history

That is a total load of tosh!!!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:48

InfamousPartyAnimal · 29/12/2023 09:57

I voted YANBU however the amount of vitriol on here aimed at a very young man is shocking.
Considering most people on mn are happy to pipe up and explain that the adult brain isn't fully formed until people are 25 and we should cut young people some slack....what they mean is we should cut young adult women some slack, boys/men should be thrown to the wolves!

I completely agree with you!

The vitriol and dismissing is shocking, cruel and vicious. You really do have to wonder about the character of those posting in that way.

The issue of DSD using 'mum' and his reaction to that is separate to his other poor behaviour, which absolutely should be addressed.

However, there is something much more visceral, more deep-seated that is going on here, and it absolutely needs to be addressed. This lad needs support to accept that his mum is to all intents and purposes DSD's mum too, and she will be calling her that.

It's really not about one child versus another!!

Some posters should be ashamed of their utter callousness.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:50

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 09:31

This. I’ve got a 23 year old and a 15 year old and if either of them behaved like your son I’d tear a strip off them. His behaviour is pathetic. She doesn’t see her biological mum. To all intents and purposes you are her mum. I’d be speaking very firmly to him about his self centred, selfish behaviour.

Show quote history

I hope for the sake of your kids you would never been so cruel!

FrippEnos · 29/12/2023 19:50

I haven't RTFT (so sue me).
I stopped with all the shit that is being thrown at your son.
It could well be possible that this stems from the fact that he has been through a huge amount in his teenage years.
Presumably the separation from his dad, schools years, puberty, GCSEs, A levels (possibly) your new husband, house move? losing space to others, the pregnancy, birth of twins.
There is also losing his dad in there somewhere (edit)

This could well be all of this coming out now as he has coped with such a lot and its finally come to a head.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 19:51

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 19:35

The poster was being sarcastic.

Show quote history

In that case, I got it wrong. In the context of all the bilious indignation it’s been hard going
apologies To @sunglassesonthetable

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 19:57

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:48

I completely agree with you!

The vitriol and dismissing is shocking, cruel and vicious. You really do have to wonder about the character of those posting in that way.

The issue of DSD using 'mum' and his reaction to that is separate to his other poor behaviour, which absolutely should be addressed.

However, there is something much more visceral, more deep-seated that is going on here, and it absolutely needs to be addressed. This lad needs support to accept that his mum is to all intents and purposes DSD's mum too, and she will be calling her that.

It's really not about one child versus another!!

Some posters should be ashamed of their utter callousness.

Show quote history

The 19yo is NOT a child. H

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 19:57

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:50

I hope for the sake of your kids you would never been so cruel!

Show quote history

Nothing cruel about it. I would expect my sons to understand that DSD needs a mum. I would be horrified if my 19 old essentially tried to blackmail me.

Sleepytiredyawn · 29/12/2023 19:58

It sounds like you’re her Mum to me. If she’s happy calling you Mum and you’re happy too then it’s sorted. You have referred to her as your Daughter before then saying Step Daughter to make it clear for the post. I think you see her as your Daughter and your Son will get over it, he’s just having a wobble.

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 19:59

FatFemale · 29/12/2023 17:27

Ah bless her. Yes id let her call you mum. If the 19 year old doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Youve done nothing wrong here

Caring approach there then!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:00

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 19:57

Nothing cruel about it. I would expect my sons to understand that DSD needs a mum. I would be horrified if my 19 old essentially tried to blackmail me.

Show quote history

You are completely and spectacularly missing the point here.

I would be horrified if my 19 year old was so deeply upset by his stepsister wanting to call me mum. I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of why, not telling him to grow the fuck up, like his feelings don't matter!!

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:01

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 19:57

The 19yo is NOT a child. H

Show quote history

Oh don't be so ridiculous. I'm 60 and I am still my parents' child ffs!!!!

Nipsmum · 29/12/2023 20:02

He is a man. Tell him to man up

mayorofcasterbridge · 29/12/2023 20:04

loserssaywhat · 29/12/2023 18:24

She’s 9 and it sounds like you’re the only mum she’s known. You’re son is 19, in effect he’s an adult and can leave and go stand on his own 2 feet if he wishes.
i mean absolutely no disrespect here to you but he sounds like a spoilt, entitled arsehole. This little girl calling you mum does not affect him in any way. Call his bluff and tell him to pack up his shit and go! I wouldn’t allow myself to be blackmailed in such a way.

So he's an "arsehole" now - because he has complicated emotions about this and isn't able to express them coherently???!

Bloody hell.

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