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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 16:11

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 15:50

@Zone2NorthLondon

I’m simply asking you to define and explain consequences and what that all means. Your bombastic but vague post didn’t elaborate upon consequences. It’s to be expected that you elaborate on your own recommendations

you see it’s very easy to post a recommendation such as consequences. Has limited crowd appeal ,common sense innit, you just get him told

What you’ve failed to do is elaborate or explain consequences or their impact

so go on then…start with consequences

Oh and we are both anonymous posters on a public forum.

You aren't a teacher marking an essay or setting an exam question, so the tone of your posts is very odd indeed 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re bombastic enough with the there will be consequences post. Unable to elaborate
That is the thing about common sense,get him told,easy to post. More complicated when you actually have to rationalise it
If you post on a thread you naturally will expect to be asked to elaborate or explain your post. You see that’s the point. Posting and then refusing to elaborate just further piques my interest . Anyone would think you’re just making it up for effect, crowd appeal , garner support from the get ‘im told crew

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 16:17

@Zone2NorthLondon

Again, I literally did what you asked. I didn't refuse to elaborate. I answered, you said I hadn't answered, so I copy and pasted my answer, then you said the same thing again... it's a very odd and ineffective way to engage with someone.

Here is a recap again:

I said I didn't know what the specific consequences would be in OP's house as I don't know her.

Then gave a specific example of what the consequence might have been in my home at 19.

As for saying I'm making it up to 'garner support' or crowd appeal... I'm an anonymous poster, not a politician looking for votes.

It's a post by a stranger. On someone else's thread. Your response is so disproportionately angry it's bizarre.

I hope your day improves.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 16:32

Ahh so it was a generalised there will be consequences post without any actual consequences

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 16:38

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 16:17

@Zone2NorthLondon

Again, I literally did what you asked. I didn't refuse to elaborate. I answered, you said I hadn't answered, so I copy and pasted my answer, then you said the same thing again... it's a very odd and ineffective way to engage with someone.

Here is a recap again:

I said I didn't know what the specific consequences would be in OP's house as I don't know her.

Then gave a specific example of what the consequence might have been in my home at 19.

As for saying I'm making it up to 'garner support' or crowd appeal... I'm an anonymous poster, not a politician looking for votes.

It's a post by a stranger. On someone else's thread. Your response is so disproportionately angry it's bizarre.

I hope your day improves.

Angry? No not at all. Bemused? Certainly
if you post you should expect to asked to elaborate upon said post. That is how a discursive forum works

DottieMoon · 29/12/2023 16:47

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

Completely agree!

I know he’s only 19 but he is an adult and is acting very selfish, childish and mean. I would nip this in the bud right now.

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 16:59

@Zone2NorthLondon

I did elaborate...

Maybe you could ask some other posters to do so too, rather than posting so repetitively to me only at this point?

Enjoy 😊

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 17:07

Go back you’ll see I have queried other posts inc your posts. I note you directly address me, indicating you’re engaged and expecting a response from me

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 17:09

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 17:07

Go back you’ll see I have queried other posts inc your posts. I note you directly address me, indicating you’re engaged and expecting a response from me

I'll stop now then 👍🏻

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 29/12/2023 17:10

Is adopting her on the cards? If so then that is your reason to your son though to be honest it sounds like jealousy to me.

To be honest my dd is a little jealous of my relationship with dsd, it's irrational but she still misses when only she mattered

whatsitcalledwhen · 29/12/2023 17:23

I agree with PP, adopting her sounds like a wonderful thing to do. It's great she has found someone she feels safe with enough to consider them her mum. As someone adopted it makes me especially happy to hear Flowers

FatFemale · 29/12/2023 17:27

Ah bless her. Yes id let her call you mum. If the 19 year old doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Youve done nothing wrong here

angela1952 · 29/12/2023 17:41

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

My DD's two children are adopted and call their birth mum Mum "Jane" (they still see her once a year) and my DD is called Mum. It works for them.
But I can't see why your son, supposedly an adult, feels the need to object. It's pretty childish.

Buggersticks · 29/12/2023 17:45

She obviously loves you, and loves the way you 'mother' her! You are her mother figure. I know children in long term foster care who call their foster carers 'mum and dad' because they need that connection, and that stability. If you like it, and she wants to do it, why not? I think your son needs to be a bit more empathetic... perhaps he feels jealous or threatened about it x

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2023 17:52

Your son needs to get a grip.

Dibdob27 · 29/12/2023 17:52

Do what you feel is right for you. Have a day out just you and him and talk

godmum56 · 29/12/2023 17:52

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:50

He does not have any special needs, he is a healthy young man, lots of friends, has a girlfriend. I tried discussing with him, reassuring him that I will always be his mother and nothing will change. Me going from Firstname to mum isn't going to impact on anything. But he just gets mad, and says " She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

It's so childish. I am lost.

Show quote history

is there any kind of backstory about you and his dad splitting up or about his dad and his dad's partner?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 29/12/2023 17:57

Step parent and wife to someone’s SS.

Firmly against Mum or Dad being used for anything other than biological unless biological parent is not on scene.

SS expressed interest in calling me mama and my name (he was 11). I explained he only has one mummy who loves him very much and I love him so very much too, but I didn’t do the work to bring him into the world and you only get one mummy and daddy, both of whom love him too and raise him, so that wouldn’t be right. I suspect him having siblings in mums house at the time had clouded what he called his step dad leading to this. We (SS, DH and I) talked about it together to make sure he understood and, sadly mum and her DH have since split which I think has kind of made things more understandable to him too.

My DH however does call his stepmother mum as his mother was absent in his upbringing due to her life choices therefore his stepmother raised him.

As such, in your circumstances, I would let her carry on with calling you mum and I would sit down with your son to try and truly understand the issue he has with this and perhaps explain it to your son as above?

Missingpop · 29/12/2023 18:00

Your son is a 19 year old ADULT not a child tell him to grow up & stop acting like a spoilt little brat; she’s a little girl who’s been snubbed by her own mummy (for whatever reasons) & your showing her what a loving caring home is like & you love her clearly & this has made her feel confident & comfortable enough to want you to her mummy full time & forever; it’s incredulous that your 19yr old son can’t be a grown up & be happy he’s got such a wonderful mother; he should be proud not acting like a brat I’m afraid I’d give him a tough love chat & of that doesn’t work then let him go & be the big man in the world he’ll soon come back with a grovelling apology once he learns the grass isn’t as green when you have to do everything for yourself 24/7 on very little money x

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 18:08

Your son is controlling and emotionally manipulates you. If my son tried to dictate my relationships and gave me the silent treatment if he didn’t get his own way then he’d soon be told he needed to find somewhere else to live and sharpish. If he thinks he’s adult enough to be throwing his weight around then he’s adult enough to wise up and find somewhere to live. He lives in YOUR house, not the other way around. Simple as that. You need to firm up OP and be quick about it. He is jealous and needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult instead of bullying a 9 year old. Hes behaving like this because you’re enabling him. It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour. That little girl is showing you more love than your own son is. He’s emotionally abusing you and trying to manipulate that little girl as well.

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2023 18:09

For all intended purposes you ARE her mum. Your son needs to understand that what she calls you has no bearing on him in any way, but it’s very very significant and important for her to have a sense of belonging to the only family she has ever known.

loserssaywhat · 29/12/2023 18:24

She’s 9 and it sounds like you’re the only mum she’s known. You’re son is 19, in effect he’s an adult and can leave and go stand on his own 2 feet if he wishes.
i mean absolutely no disrespect here to you but he sounds like a spoilt, entitled arsehole. This little girl calling you mum does not affect him in any way. Call his bluff and tell him to pack up his shit and go! I wouldn’t allow myself to be blackmailed in such a way.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 18:48

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 12:32

Hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he is just naturally a controlling male type, that the battle of his stepsister calling OP "mum" is incidental, and what he is actually doing is honing his Controlling skills on OP. OP usually gives in to his demands but he is finding her more resistant to this one, and is determined to win. While he SEEMS to be lovely with his GF, - well, men like that usually do seem nice in public, don't they. Blowing hot and cold, also typical of controlling males. Again, really hope I'm wrong.

Blimey full character assassination.

And I'm not being petty here but plenty of teenage girls do that blowing hot and cold, tantruming thing too! It's because they're emotionally immature.

They need guidance, all of them.

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

Madamum18 · 29/12/2023 18:55

To you son...:

"I love you very much and always will. Whatever I am called by anyone else will never change that!. Whatever you choose to call your fathers wife will never change that! Equally my allowing SD to call me mum.will not change my love for you in anyway atall. I accept that you do not agree with me, that is your prerogative. But I think that being able to call me mum matters a great deal to SD and WILL change how she feels as part of our family. So I am going to let her call me mum which is MY prerogative. I hope YOU can accept that. I will not change my mind so there is no point discussing this again. I love you!"

Pinkelephant66 · 29/12/2023 18:56

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

100% . He’s an adult he needs to stop behaving like a brat

sunglassesonthetable · 29/12/2023 19:03

Controlling males come from somewhere, and we hear over and over again that "And they have such a lovely family". Guilt-ridden mothers give in all the time, women need to get bolshie with adolescent males and show them that they can't ride roughshod over females. Yes female teenagers blow hot and cold but in case you missed it, there are far fewer coercive-controlling females than males.

Here we sum up 'coercive control'. And how to sort it out.

Young females might need emotional support but not young men.

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