To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Yes you’re very wrong

Do you know this man? None of us can speak to his character. He may well use emotional blackmail as a tool for the rest of his life - or he might grow up and cut this nonsense out.

he might stop talking to his girlfriend every time she wants to have a night out with her friends - he might reserved the silent treatment for his mother.

no one knows

But he just gets mad, and says " She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

Tell him to crack on and go for it. All he would achieve would be looking like a complete eejit.

He sounds really unkind tbh. Poor little girl finally has someone she thinks of as her mum and instead of thinking how lovely that is, he's made it all about him and wants her to continue feeling left out and sad.

He's 19, not 9. Horrible.

So if no one knows don’t randomly assign unfavourable characteristics or guess his trajectory

Childhood scars can take a long time to surface.

Why would he be scarred? By the sounds of it he had two loving parents, involved grandparents and relationships with other adults involved in his care.

The reaching on here is unbelievable.

I always told him that I wouldn't tolerate any bullying or mistreatment in our household.

Maybe he needs a consequence then. He's being unbelievably unkind to a nine year old girl whose biological mother has been off the scene. Who feels safe enough in your relationship to let you know she sees you as her mum.

What kind of adult sees that as a threat rather than a lovely thing?

I can't believe his is pleasant to her outside of this 'calling you mum' situation either, is he?

I imagine he is dismissive of her at best.

Imagine living in a home with someone who makes it obvious they don't like you. When you likely already have abandonment issues as a parent disappeared.

Poor little thing 😞

Hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he is just naturally a controlling male type, that the battle of his stepsister calling OP "mum" is incidental, and what he is actually doing is honing his Controlling skills on OP. OP usually gives in to his demands but he is finding her more resistant to this one, and is determined to win. While he SEEMS to be lovely with his GF, - well, men like that usually do seem nice in public, don't they. Blowing hot and cold, also typical of controlling males. Again, really hope I'm wrong.

Blimey full character assassination.

And I'm not being petty here but plenty of teenage girls do that blowing hot and cold, tantruming thing too! It's because they're emotionally immature.

They need guidance, all of them.

What consequence do you recommend op enacts? What’s a fitting consequence?
How will the consequence impact upon him and all the rest of the family?
How is the consequence arrived at, who determines what it is? What if he won’t or cannot abide by it?
is consequence time limited?
is consequence negotiable?

easy to rock up and demand consequences, less easy to deal with real life ramifications and impact

Because children feel very threatened when their parents move on and have more children. I’m sorry that that can be inconvenient. You only need to read a few MN posts to witness the tensions that causes. Actually, even sibling rivalry within a family where children share the same biological parents is a completely natural drive. But it is more complicated when the other children are not from the same gene pool. That’s our animal brain. The way DS is reacting to the suggestion to allow the little SD to call his mum Mum suggests he has not yet processed some of this.

I don’t think anyone isn’t feeling for the little girl.

But life isn’t a good guy/ bad guy Panto. They can both have needs and feelings that require balancing and working through. Just because you feel sorry for her, doesn’t need to mean he’s the bad guy through and through . Challenge yourself for fun and see if you can see any nuances or other pov.

The 9yo and the 19yo both have needs. They both feel a gravitational emotional pull towards op
Both need sensitive approach,love and reassurance that’s what both are seeking
No one needs to be berated,called vile or told to get a grip

the young man is clearly processing unresolved issues of change, transition,attachment and perceives he is under threat. This is a wholly normal reaction that can be sensitively managed with him . He is experiencing human turmoil and conflicting emotions, he is signalling this loud and clear

I think you have misunderstood the unofficial MN rules Zone2. People are allowed to project and surmise and randomly assign characteristics if it results in a negative interpretation of him. But suggesting anything that might explain his off behaviour with a degree of empathy is “reaching.” 🙄

Yes, he clearly hasn't processed his feelings properly. I guess there is 2 schools of thought at play here - one to tell him to belt up and get over it, and another to offer him somewhere safe he can start to process things. His mum's done her best in giving him 1:1 time, but I'd put money on him needing to verbalise his feelings without judgement, in order to process them and see he is being unreasonable. I can relate to this as my 17yr old DS also has spates of this type of behaviour. He too has not had the most stable upbringing with my split from his dad and a younger sibling to accept. Although we got back together again, and have done our best to minimise any impact (like OP has) it's clear he was affected. I can imagine my ds continuing this behaviour if it's not dealt with properly now.

Absolutely nail on head.

What I dislike more and more about my son is that he is a bit hot and cold. If I don't do what he wants, he gives me the silent treatment. Then I feel guilty and always end up doing what he wants. So it's probably my fault for giving in every time.

This stood out to me OP, and there's no 'probably' about it, my sister has always been like this with her son who is now mid twenties, they have what seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic and never choose to spend time together willingly, what you're describing is a very toxic relationship and his future girlfriends will probably suffer the same fate as he has learned that this is how he gets what he wants, I'm sorry but he sounds awful and you seem to be enabling it.

At best it is a weird behaviour pattern, with my sister and son when he was a child they would be a bit horrible to each other out of nowhere, then make up in an overly soppy way, it was like she would be off with him, tell him off for stuff that wasn't his fault or give him the silent treatment because she wanted him to come and gush and tell her how much he loved her to get back in her good graces.. obviously he stopped gushing at some point, but this sounds like the opposite for your son, he's the one being awful for no reason and you're the one that comes running to 'make up'.

Stop letting him dictate to you, if your stepdaughter wants to call you mum then let her, it doesn't effect him in any way and the fact he's trying to put his foot down about it shows that he thinks his feelings are more important then anyone else in the household, so if he gives you the silent treatment then let him, but don't be the one to break it and demand an apology for his shit behaviour before you're willing to move on from it, it IS abuse and you need to break the cycle.

I find myself to be harsher on my daughters that I was on him at the same age. I pretty much did everything he wished. So his behaviour is partially ( if not totally) my fault.

Unfortunately lack of boundaries from parents can create insecurity in children/teens. And he may see that you were willing to fight/make more effort for your daughters than for him.

When you said for him to call his step-mum mum if he wants. But he got offended and said "how could you agree so easily to let me call another woman mum" he is telling you very clearly he doesn't feel that the mum/son relationship is sacrosanct to you.

To be honest, as an insecure teen, if my mum had said this to me, it would have really hurt that she (apparently) didn't care enough to bother if I called another woman Mum.

@Zone2NorthLondon

Goodness you sound really angry about my post!

I don't know what the consequence could be because I don't live in OP's home.

When I was 19 I would still get lifts from my parents when I went on nights out.

If I behaved like OP's son and been so mean about a nine year old member of the household, I expect those lifts might have stopped until my attitude had improved.

She has no biological mum in her life and she has known you since before she can even remember. It would be a horrible rejection for her if you were to tell her she can’t call you Mum.

Your son, who is AN ADULT, is being childish and obnoxious about this and he needs to grow the fuck up.

Maybe it's time to adopt her OP? Then you will be her mum and that will be that.

I'd be gentle but firm with your son, he's obviously struggling with this on some level. It may be that he is used to getting his own way and now sees that he can't get his own way with this and blames her. It might be that 'getting his own way' is what makes him feel loved - which is unhealthy but maybe understandable.

Perhaps discuss with him if that might be the case as he might not even realise and maybe talk about being a young mum and not always getting things right - always giving into him and the dynamic that has set up - but that even if he doesn't get his way it's no reflection on how much you love him.

i have said no one knows - all we know he acts like this now to his mother - I didn’t assign this unfavourable characteristic to him. His mother told us he does this.

he might continue to do it - he might not. But it’s not acceptable behaviour at this point in his life and hopefully he stops it

You refer to her as your daughter so of course she should call you mum. I assume she's been with you a long time too. My advice would be to get the adoption paperwork going. Your son has a right to his feelings, and perhaps he felt left out when she joined you, but couldn't put that in words back then. But now he's 19 not 12 and will have to learn to live with things that he dislikes.

I’m simply asking you to define and explain consequences and what that all means. Your bombastic but vague post didn’t elaborate upon consequences. It’s to be expected that you elaborate on your own recommendations

you see it’s very easy to post a recommendation such as consequences. Has limited crowd appeal ,common sense innit, you just get him told

What you’ve failed to do is elaborate or explain consequences or their impact

so go on then…start with consequences

@Zone2NorthLondon

Huh? You asked what the consequences would be and I gave an answer in the post you've just quoted. I feel like you've had a really kneejerk reaction to my post and are now doubling down even though I directly answered you.

Here is my answer again:

I don't know what the consequence could be because I don't live in OP's home.

When I was 19 I would still get lifts from my parents when I went on nights out.

If I behaved like OP's son and been so mean about a nine year old member of the household, I expect those lifts might have stopped until my attitude had improved.

@Zone2NorthLondon

I’m simply asking you to define and explain consequences and what that all means. Your bombastic but vague post didn’t elaborate upon consequences. It’s to be expected that you elaborate on your own recommendations

you see it’s very easy to post a recommendation such as consequences. Has limited crowd appeal ,common sense innit, you just get him told

What you’ve failed to do is elaborate or explain consequences or their impact

so go on then…start with consequences

Oh and we are both anonymous posters on a public forum.

You aren't a teacher marking an essay or setting an exam question, so the tone of your posts is very odd indeed 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you’ve never told him he was an accident, and you didn’t make the extremely unusual decision to deliberately try for a baby at 15, then he will have filled in the gaps for himself.
I think it’s possible a truthful but positive conversation about this might help. So - we weren’t using contraception properly but I didn’t think I’d get pregnant but as soon as I knew I loved you from that moment on. Or - I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was 7months gone so it was all a bit of a shock but you were the most gorgeous baby ever and me and your dad and your grandparents loved you straight away and we’ve all done our best ever since to give you a great start in life.
Whatever the explanation is, tell him the basic truth and reiterate how much you’ve always wanted him and loved him.
If you and his dad did deliberately get pregnant at 15 - tell him!