To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

This.

OP you need to work out when and why this issue started with your son.

Hey everyone, I would like to clarify some things that I keep seeing :

• It never was a Me&him VS the world situation. I got pregnant when I was 15, his father was also 15. We all lived with my parents, who were incredible. His father and I split up when he was 4. I met William when he was 10, and daughter was 10 months old.

His father was and is very very much involved. He has his father and mother. He also has a step-mother who is wonderful, and he seems to like her a lot.

I never told him he was an accident.

• Posters who are saying " But just reassure your son". I did, do. Always told him I loved him. I have had long discussions with my son about his feeling in the family. I went on holidays with him only many times. We go out together, I help him study.

What I dislike more and more about my son is that he is a bit hot and cold. If I don't do what he wants, he gives me the silent treatment. Then I feel guilty and always end up doing what he wants. So it's probably my fault for giving in every time.

• I did explain to him that it wouldn't change a single thing between us. I have talked to his father about it, so maybe he can try to find out what he is so afraid of.

• Yes I spend more time with the twins, but they are 4, and completely dependent. To be honest, I have to drag him out of his bedroom to spend time with us. I don't always have the energy.

This. I’ve got a 23 year old and a 15 year old and if either of them behaved like your son I’d tear a strip off them. His behaviour is pathetic. She doesn’t see her biological mum. To all intents and purposes you are her mum. I’d be speaking very firmly to him about his self centred, selfish behaviour.

He can do maths! I am sure he knows that you were 15 when he was born. It's fairly clear that it was an accident. He was also an only child for a long time and had a lot of attention I'd say (also sounds like his dad was very hands on which is great).
So it seems quite normal that he'd be jealous when twins arrived and DSD. That's a normal kid reaction in honesty. And sounds like you are quite indulgent of his moods/reactions so this reinforces the response.
I suspect this is less about DSD calling you mum but about his place in the household/world. He's a much loved young man who is no longer a child but is at home a bit like a child. So he's probably just struggling with the emotions of it all. But lacks the emotional maturity to articulate /process it. Again totally normal for a lad of this age!
Maybe the father can help with getting to the bottom of this but I'd wager money on there being something else behind this reaction

OP you sounds like you are a wonderful mum to all four children.

your oldest does sound like a difficult person to live with. Giving you the silent treatment when things don’t go his way is very immature and infuriating.

to be honest as this stage I would simply say

‘I love you very much but I don’t like this behaviour. If you decide to cut me and the children out of your life over your little sister calling me mum then that is your choice. You can live with your dad. I will be here if you change your mind, your little sisters will miss you very much.’

I think you are right - this behaviour has worked in the past so he thinks he can emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants.

@Lospecesenelrio How do you feel about having young children again & being a grandmother in the next decade ?

You'll basically of had a child at 15, back parenting young children in your 30's/40's then be relied on for social/financial/familial obligations in your late 40's early 50"s via your first child ?

It's going to be quite the long slog of young kids at a time when your current family are teens

I voted YANBU however the amount of vitriol on here aimed at a very young man is shocking.
Considering most people on mn are happy to pipe up and explain that the adult brain isn't fully formed until people are 25 and we should cut young people some slack....what they mean is we should cut young adult women some slack, boys/men should be thrown to the wolves!

This. He needs to understand, in a calm, firm way, that threats and blackmail won't be tolerated. You love him very much, but his behaviour is unacceptable.

Excellent post. @Lospecesenelrio You do sound like a wonderful mum.

Of course you let her call you mum. You are her mum by the looks of things. Poor little pet. Your son is being really mean.

Tell him to crack on then because you are not going to upset a little girl who in effect knows no other mother because a man-child doesn't want to share. (ps. he won't call his step mum Mum and it is no reflection on you if he does just to be petty).

@Jk8 I feel fully prepared to help my son financially, his father is too. If he has kids in the next decade, I will be 44/45 with teens. It probably won't be an easy journey, but I want to do as much as I can. I can't go back in the past and not get pregnant.

I would lie if I say I am not afraid of how I will handle things. I find myself to be harsher on my daughters that I was on him at the same age. I pretty much did everything he wished. So his behaviour is partially ( if not totally) my fault.

@Lospecesenelrio I agree with PPs that there is no way you can break this little girls heart. you are the only mother figure she really has. your son needs to learn to be a better person and it sounds like he is used to getting his own way. so probably its time to really lay down your boundaries

Ultimatum's and half threats aren’t going to work,Your speech is directive and doesn’t give him real options. Your big speech requires an immediate change. He’s not left with any manoeuvre or wriggle room . You’ve gone straight to dominant adult and forced him into truculent child Neither position is good for negotiations or a satisfactory outcome.

so what if he feels got at and cornered and says yes,he’ll go live at his dad
Does his dad want him to stay,has he been asked, or are you hoping this bluff works?

Ditch that speech. Make it all less convoluted, less ultimatum and be more calm and open

Try a calm and open approach. Things have been strained and we have both been feeling bad what can we do to make things better

Big you do this or that happens,they appeal to people and on,one as it looks overly simple and you think you’ll get the results you want. Chances are that he feels attacked, in his anxiety etc half hears and feels attacked. You do not unpick years of emotional anxiety and irrational fears by giving ultimatum. no matter how well intentioned the ultimatum is

Okay, with your update, I agree this is the case for lovingly reinforcing a firm boundary. He needs to get over it. It does sound like he’s used to kicking up a fuss and getting his way and he needs to understand that’s not how life works, and sometimes we need to put other people’s feelings before our own.

Some kids think they are hard done by simply because they didn’t grow up in a typical two parent home with mum and dad, when it sounds like he had a perfectly stable and loving upbringing. If he goes out into the world thinking it owes him something, he’s going to get a shock, so think this is a good place to start being firm. Our wants do not trump the needs of others.

This is a good suggestion, I would maybe add in something along the lines of "I do hear and realise you're finding this difficult to accept though, and it's clearly bringing up feelings for you, that I'm finding hard to understand. Maybe it's to do with how you're feeling about your place in the family and yours and my relationship? I can't stress how much I love you and that this will never change, but it might be an idea to chat all this over with a counsellor, if you feel so strongly that you have a problem with it? Lots of kids can grow up feeling pushed out when younger siblings come along, especially step siblings, so I get where these feelings might be coming from, but might be an idea to chat it over with someone who really understands all of this, what do you think? I love you and want nothing but happiness for you, so it's a concern you're feeling this way.

“What I dislike more and more about my son is that he is a bit hot and cold. If I don't do what he wants, he gives me the silent treatment. Then I feel guilty and always end up doing what he wants. So it's probably my fault for giving in every time.”

Hes learning to be very manipulative then- if he stone walls you/silent treatment he gets what he wants! (He‘ll do this to future partners too- very abusive!) Do not fall for it this time!! It’s often empty or short lived threats anyway if you stick to your guns & don’t give in. Also he needs to know that manipulation is wrong and not how you go about things!

19 year old needs to grow up and get a grip frankly.

Let her call you Mum. Kids need a Mum. My Foster son calls me Mum. I've looked after him since he was 5. His biological Mum is dead not not stepping on any toes. It makes him happy and I think of him as another son anyway. Luckily by adult DC are very kind to him and include him in our family. I'd tell your son to stop being so mean and start being nice to the DC.

Piers? Is that you?

I would not be tolerating a 19yo dictating to me. She wants to call you mum, you are comfortable with it so that's what should happen. A 19yo man wanting to single out a little girl? That is truly awful in my opinion and most folk I know of a similar age couldn't care less if a random stranger was to start calling their mum "mum" never mind a step sister who has been in their life for years. Sounds like power play, I would try getting on top of this behaviour

My mum died when I was 7. I'd have liked to call my stepmum "mum" but I never asked because I was very conscious that it would have peed off my real siblings and my step-siblings all who were older than me.

It was a real faff and I never quite knew how to talk about her to my steps. We all lived together on a permanent basis. There were no other parents in the mix.

Sounds like he feels his the interloper in the family now with the daughter calling you mum.

Before she was just the step child, and he split his time between two houses. They were on a more even standing in his eyes. But her mums dropped off the face of the planet and she now calls you mum. So now his the only person who’s different, his the one who doesn’t belong in the family. His feeling pushed out/othered by her changing role in the family.

Might not be rational but are we always even when we are 50/60 or 70. I doubt it.

Blended families are hard work and again as seen on other threads often at least one step/half feels like they don’t have a home they truly belong / are not the other in.

You’ve done your very best by the sound of it OP, and your parents sound frankly amazing. But with all respect to that damage limitation, it was not a “normal” situation and he may be resenting that when he sees the younger ones with something more straightforward. - esp as his SS is now taking a step to round off the normality. He can do the maths as this poster points out. Childhood scars can take a long time to surface. Tbh you should be pleased it’s as early as it is really. He needs help processing and if you are finding him difficult to reach, perhaps some professional help.

Hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he is just naturally a controlling male type, that the battle of his stepsister calling OP "mum" is incidental, and what he is actually doing is honing his Controlling skills on OP. OP usually gives in to his demands but he is finding her more resistant to this one, and is determined to win. While he SEEMS to be lovely with his GF, - well, men like that usually do seem nice in public, don't they. Blowing hot and cold, also typical of controlling males. Again, really hope I'm wrong.