To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

I also would pick up on devonshiregal’s point that parental rejection hurts at any age. I would add to that that it is among the most visceral and difficult to process hurts that can be inflicted. If I’m perfectly honest, I’m in my 40’s but it would nonetheless take a little bit of processing for me even now if my mum were to announce that henceforth someone else was going to start calling her mum. If I were 19, barely out of childhood and hadn’t had that stability it would be a real issue for me. I think far too much of the strain and healing involved in blended families is heaped upon the children to process.

He is being selfish but maybe his is jealous of the upbringing his siblings are having versus the one he has with you as you were so young?

Either way he needs to grow up and have empathy.

She's your daughter now. Let her call you mom.

What does your husband call you?
maybe if he started calling you Mum or Ma?
I can understand him mot wanting to call your other half Dad as he has contact with his own dad but to get upset what someone else calls you is a bit entitled.
probably best to leave him to figure it out by himself.

Is there no way to perhaps carefully broach with him trying to see things from her (SD's) perspective..?
I can't imagine how someone can be so callous and to be honest seemingly cruel if they've taken time to do that, so maybe he hasn't?

She's 9 right? and her mother hasn't been around for 4 years, so she was 5 years old when she came into your life.
Can he not even attempt to imagine what that must've been like for her??

5 is insanely young to be without your mother.
I get her mum made contact a handful of times, but honestly it's not surprise she's become attached to you in that way, and it's kind of bizarre to me that some posters think it's overstepping for her, by her own choice, to call you mum?

If SD's mother had god forbid passed away or given her up for adoption, or less extreme even let's say the lack of contact is booze related, would it still be unacceptable for her to start calling OP mum?

I'm a bit confused by the gatekeeping, she's 9, it's not like she's going to genuinely believe OP is her biological mum or that she's being made to believe her bio mum is some sort of fake mum - It just seems so odd to me to pander to the 19 year old in this scenario, why is he even bothered to begin with?

Your 19yo son is being a dick, quite frankly OP and needs to get over himself. How unkind of him. I’d be telling him exactly what I thought of his attitude and leave him to bloody well sulk if he must do. I think it’s absolutely beautiful that your SD wants to call you mum.

If your stepdaughter wants to call you mum you should absolutely let her. Your oldest son's feelings are misplaced. Parental love isn't a finite quantity that gets further divided with each child using that title.

But his feelings being misplaced doesn't mean they should be ignored entirely. It sounds like he did have a different childhood and family experience than your younger children are getting, and he might have all sorts of feelings of what-if or of being a bit on the outside of the family that are totally valid. Talk to him about the underlying feelings and look for ways to strengthen your relationship with him and his connection to the family as a whole. He's old enough for you to talk some about your own feelings as well.

You can do all of that while making it clear that your relationship with your stepdaughter (or twins) and your relationship with him are in no way mutually exclusive and that you won't tell her not to call you mum or permit unacceptable behavior in the home. In that respect it's similar to how you might handle a jealous older sibling when a new baby is born, just adapted for his age - don't tolerate bad behavior towards the new addition or you but have empathy for the older sibling's feelings and focus on reassuring them of their continued place in the family.

OP, have you ever talked to him in depth about the circumstances of you becoming pregnant at 15? Is he assuming it was a accident and you didn’t really want him? If that is part of his insecurity are you able to help him reframe that narrative to know he was loved and wanted, even if he (likely) wasn’t planned? If you’ve never sat down and explained how it happened that you came to have a baby at 15 he may have filled in the gaps with a very negative narrative. Basically is he worried you had him by accident but now you’re choosing to be a mother to a child who isn’t even related - you didn’t really want him but you do really want her.
Also you can reassure him that he doesn’t have to change how he refers to his step sister. She can still be his stepsister and the twins his half sisters if it’s important to him to explain that to people.
It sounds like it’s important for his sense of self to be transparent about his biological parenthood. But that doesn’t mean he can dictate how his stepsister defines her family and sense of self.

I think it's lovely that she wants to call you Mum. Your DS is 19, not 9, and is being beyond childish. It's about time he grew up.

I would have liked my own child's 'mum' & dad to have discussed this straight up when they planned to move in together given their actual mother was already out of the picture instead of conceiving now 4 year old twins.

This poor girl is probably searching for validation in her own family because the 'lets see what happens' & 'I'll treat every child the same (according to how i already raise my own children realistically)' didnt set proper guidelines when what should have happened when OP (already a mother to an older child herself) got with a man who had sole custody of barely out-pf-toddler-years child with no mother.... their should only ever have been a 'will I mother this child & have her taught what to call me so when shes comfortable she can switch' or 'I don't want this responsiblity'

OP please tell your DS to grow up.

In my extended family we have a little boy who was adopted. I saw him in Christmas day.. he's 8 now so nearly same age as your DD. he knows he's adopted. I was telling him how lovely the present his mum gave me.was and what a lovely person she is and he settled down next to me and said

" I've got 2 mums one who made me and one who loves me"

you may not have made your DSD but it certainly sounds like you love her. your DS needs to accept that there is plenty of love to go round and it takes nothing from him if she calls you mum because thats what you are un all but name anyway

Your son is 19 and needs to start acting like an adult.

@Lospecesenelrio you have clearly shown this child nothing but love and security and as a result she sees you as her Mum. That is a wonderful thing. Please do not give in and tell her she can not call you Mum, it would devastate her and cause damage to her confidence and the stability of your family. You sound like an amazing step mother!

If your son was younger, I would maybe understand his argument, but he’s a grown man of 19 and he needs to get a grip.

^^ I just wanted to add that I know most birth mums love their children and the way I put across the child's prospective was not meant to to demean mothers who've heartbreakingly lost their child to adoption in anyway.

At the age of 19yo your DS hasn't scratched the surface of his adult life. He's at Uni, which is only just starting him out on the road to maturity. He's still living at home, he still has one foot in his childhood and the other in adulthood.

He is mourning his life as it was, this is a big symbolic change for him, witnessing his DSSis claiming a part of you his DM that he doesn't feel she's entitled to. You will always be the first woman in his life, boys can be extremely protective of their DM and he is railing against someone stepping into his perceived territory.

All you can do is give it time, reassurance but not excessively so. Allow him emotional space to process this change and don't apologise for it. its no different to any other change in a young person's life, it needs time to assimilate and integrate it into his world, which will be changing on an almost daily basis as he learns new things and has new experiences.

When he starts dating, it will feel less relevant and he will be focusing on his own life

The advice to tell him to grow tf up is minimalist and inept and will make him resentful and confused.

This is why men end up being unable to articulate and come to terms with their emotions, because when they do, they are told "oh, just grow up!".

You call her your daughter. If you're happy, absolutely let her call you mum. Be firm with him.

19 year old needs to grow up. Please let your vulnerable as call you mum. She wants to belong and been abandoned by her biological mum. Poor love. Thank you for stepping up and giving her the love and mum care she needs. You are her mum in her eyes. It be cruel to say no to her mum.

I don't think that the posters here who are saying that DS needs support with his emotions, are also suggesting that your DSD shouldn't call you Mum. The two aren't mutually exclusive. It is perfectly possible to allow her this whilst handling it sensitively/supportively with your son. He is still a teenager and the rational part of the brain doesn't fully mature until the age of 25. He is just dipping a toe unto adulthood and is not a grown man in the emotional sense - that would be impossible.

19 year olds today seem younger in many ways than I remember being at that age (I had dd1 at 19 with no parental help and was a fully functioning adult). Dd1 is 19 and is in a funny phase of not quite adult, no longer a child, your son sounds like he is in a similar place.

That said at 19 he needs to accept that essentially you have taken over The role of mother to your SD and that if she wants to call you mum it’s not for him to police that. She’s a child who needs to feel secure in her family and he’s an adult who needs guidance to help him act like one and realise that being jealous of a much younger child is not a good look.

I think this might be an important learning experience for your son. He’s obviously insecure, but is asking for something unreasonable and issuing threats when he meets resistance (albeit threats that hold little weight). This is an immature version of the behaviour pattern that abusive men use to control women and he needs to see that it is ineffective, but also that the fears he has that have triggered this behaviour are unfounded.

I think you need to be firm with him. This is not something that affects him or your relationship at all and you need to explain that and say that it will only make a difference between you if he makes it so. You don’t want anything between him and you to change, so then it’s up to him what he does.

He needs to try it for a while and if he can come to you with genuine evidence of the name change affecting his life, then the situation can be discussed again, with a view to preventing the negative impact on him (can’t imagine there will be one, but the door needs to be open).

He cannot be allowed to dictate the way the relationship between you and your step-daughter progresses as that would be an unhealthy dynamic. His feelings need to be taken into account, but he is being unreasonable here and needs, gently and assertively, to be shown that.

I'd definitely allow her to call you mum.

But I'd try and find out exactly what your 19yo issue is.

To me it seems natural she would. She hasn't seen her birth mum since her siblings were born and will have seen them grow up and start to call you mum. You have been her sole mum in all that time.

And if your ds decides to cut them off that has to be his decision as an adult. Much more than it is to deny a 9yo a choice of name she calls a parent.

I totally think DSD should be allowed to call you Mum but that is not mutually exclusive with giving DS help and support with how he is obviously struggling. Being told " grow up " isn't going to be enough.

You are to all intents and purposes her mum and should be called that. Her biological mother isn't around and you have stepped into that role. Plenty of step children call a man who isn't their biological father dad - because that is who they are to them.

Your son doesn't sound very mature and there does seem to be some resentment as to the family set up you have now versus the one he was raised in. You can't redo the past and when he matures he will see that you did your best in challenging circumstances. In the same way he isn't a fully developed adult at 19, you weren't a fully equipped parent at 15.

I would call his bluff though as it sounds like he has lots of benefits of your loving home now and this is a lot of posturing. He doesn't get to dictate your relationships with other people and the only person's behaviour he can control is his own.

Reassure him that you love him and that live is not finite - it's not a pie that is divided up.The more people we have to love them the more love we are able to give.

In the same way he isn't a fully developed adult at 19, you weren't a fully equipped parent at 15.

This is so true.