To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

And how does his 9 year old stepsister - who has known his mum as her sole mother figure from age 5 - changing to calling her "Mum" take anything away from him at all?

Look, he’s 19, he’s moving into a different stage of life as an adult, different relationships with his parents and step-parents. It’s completely natural that he feels as though he is losing his place in a family which is, inevitably, dominated by the three much younger children. He doesn’t need telling to grow up and he doesn’t need to have his feelings dismissed. Listen to him, be kind to him, and give him some time to deal with this. Being a kid of any age with a blended family is hard and he’s allowed to feel that way.

Well he clearly thinks it does. Should his feelings be dismissed??

I actually despair of people, reading this thread!

I do think it's his anger coming out maybe toward your DH and yourself regarding how he felt to have a new step-dad in his life etc. Maybe he sees that she will have two people she calls mum and dad and have more of a stable upbringing than he did at her age.
I also think her being female is an important part of her wanting to call you mum. She obviously already seeing you as her mother figure and I am sure her role model.
Are there unresolved issues around your son and you and your husband? It sounds like he had a lot of change when we was younger and maybe he is feeling displaced and like you see yourselves as a family without him.

I'm of the opinion his behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe it's coming from anxiety but he's an adult and she's a young child he should not have a childish tantrum and try to control you via threats. He doesn't own you

@slore have you actually read the thread
the posts about his anxiety, fear,and irrational feelings. He perceives he is under threat the very person he loves(his mum) may be less available, or he may be excluded or marginalised. He’s a scared young man acting out. Because he feels the 9yo is taking his mum away or destabilising the mother - son relationship. It’s not logical it fraught and emotional and not in his conscious control

Yes, because his feelings are completely and utterly unreasonable. You can't even give a good reason for it.

Have you considered having counseling for yourself and your son to talk this out?

Yes, because his feelings are completely and utterly unreasonable. You can't even give a good reason for it.

If you can't work out a reason for why he might possibly feel insecure and vulnerable you're being really really slow. Best not to say too much then.

Take a car trip with son and talk, visit a coffee shop. Remember to give him alone time with Mum.

Suggest that if your son wishes to call his stepmother 'Mum" then he is at liberty to do that. He can call two important women in his life Mum without changing the fact that you are, and always will be, his mother and will always have the special mother - child bond.

Try to get him to walk in his SS shoes - a neglectful biomother whom she doesn't know, all her friends at school calling someone Mum, all the other kids in her house calling someone Mum. She just wants to feel normal. It doesn't change the fact that she can never be a biological daughter or sister.

She is a child and your family is her only protective family. She is here to stay and will never usurp him. You will all be as kind and caring as you can. Accompany son to a counselling session if he still can not comprehend.

His comment is reasonable about calling you Mum Op(name) whenever she feels like it.. That is a really good way of her always having two options particularly if she is ever back seeing her mother. Compliment son on that idea but make it clear that she can use either - it's her choice.

Because at some point in his developmental journey his feelings of security have been damaged. That title is emblematic of that for him. Secure people don’t feel jealous. He has felt replaced and no one should have to feel replaced in their own parental dynamic. I don’t think anyone isn’t feeling for the little girl. We are just saying his feelings need to be addressed, not ignored for her sake ( which ironically would actually confirm his fears) and it’s OP’s role to ensure he gets help with that.

Good post by @Calliopespa 00:31 nails it. Succinct & clear post

This. And his emotional development has been stunted because of it, in spite of his mum's best efforts. He's struggling and handling it all terribly. All OP can do is show him this and point him in the right direction of working his feelings through in therapy, with or without her.

Telling him he's a selfish, coercive little shit is unlikely to get him to see things differently, but more likely confirm his feelings that he has no sacrosanct position in his mum's life.

Hearing, feeling and knowing are all different things.

@Castellanos 00:33 post, also very sensitive and nails it
Two thoughtful post that I hope are read and considered

Exactly. His behaviour is not exemplary. It’s not indicative of someone who is mature for their age or secure. It is a cry for help. Not helping is going to … not help.

He is using threats to control his mother’s behaviour and that is coercive control. It does need to be addressed for his sake as much as anybody else’s.

And failing to address his inappropriate behaviour because of his feelings is not doing him any favours. Excusing his behaviour because of his feelings will not benefit him at all.

If he is not challenged on this behaviour now, he will repeat it. Every time he repeats this behaviour and gets away with it he will feel more justified and entitled to behave that way. Then the behaviour escalates. That is called environmental conditioning. And we are all shaped to some extent by environmental conditioning. It’s part of our human development and no one is above that.

In many studies of intimate partner violence, coercive control was the precursor to physical acts of violence and murder.

And while I am not predicting his future by this one incident. I am saying that it is important for him to learn right now that it is not ok to control other people by threatening them.

And explaining that as part of a concerted effort to help him work through his feelings is appropriate. But simply telling him to “deal with it” is not.

@ImustLearn2Cook

I was an absolute tit, at 19.

I’d like to think I could give my child some grace when their time comes

She's a 9yo child without a bio Mum in her life and he's a 19 year old young man who has never been without a Mum.

His relationship with you cannot be influenced by her and you need to explain that to him. There's a saying 'children bring their own love with them' and that is just as true for step kids as new babies.
It's not unreasonable for him to have a twinge of jealousy but unless he's ND and struggles with empathy he needs to get over it.

Please think about this deeply OP. This may well be the issue.. Don't try and logic him out of this or explain it away, emotions don't work that way and.he is entitled to feel how he feels. Whether how he feels is an accurate portrail or not he still feels that way. Everyone else in the house effectively lives with 2 people they consider their parents, except him. They're all much younger than him and much closer to each other developmentally. He acquired 3 much younger siblings and a step father In a short space of time. It's highly likely he felt pushed out by the new family.

You've done nothing wrong in letting your DSD call you mum, but that doesn't mean he can't feel hurt by it. You need to address the underlying feelings, without telling him he's wrong or immature. He's entitled to have found being in a blended family hard, he's entitled to feel hurt by this. His emotions don't have to be correct, they're emotions.

Not biologically, but in she has been married to her sub and for 7 years and SD is 9 she has been the stable maternal figure for the whole of SD’s memorable life. It sound like contact with the birth mother was sporadic and fizzled out at the age of 5.

The son is feeling insecure and jealous, but he is an adult. A mother and son counselling session may help to lay out the problem, firm up their bond, and help him to realise that DS is not a threat to him.

YYY to all of this!
Op I think it is significant that he tells William about his issues with DSD and not you. I don't know why that is but again, there must be a reason and it's all interlinked. The more I read of this thread, the more convinced I feel therapy is the right thing here. Somehow communication has become an issue and you both need to work on it.

I think you are a fantastic mother can I just say that. I also think the reason your son is acting this way is because your twins and his daughter all have a connection that he does not. I could be wrong but maybe he feels left out in a way.

I feel this is crucial for her emotional well-being. It's an honour for a child to be so trusting and fond of you to want to call you mum. I say let her call you mum and re-iterate to your son the difference in ages, that it doesn't mean, couldn't mean, you love him less. Keep affirming and demonstrating your love for him, make time to do things together. To allow him to blackmail you into doing what he wants when it puts a little girl's health at risk isn't sending him a good message for his future relationships. Be gentle and patient with him while being firm about your decision. If he threatens anything more, you could say something like I can see this is affecting you deeply, and if you want to talk about it, I'm always here for you, but there can be no negotiation on my [your] decision, and no backlash on her. That's my take on it, but you must make the final decision.

Agree with @Devonshiregal
also looking back now he may feel that he was not loved or treated in the same way when he was 0-9 years as the twins and DSD are now. That might be completely untrue but you say you were a teen mum, not in the same kind of stable couple. Instead of two parents he got one and lots of support from grandparents

He may be forgetting you being there when he was ill but is old enough now to see you do it for the others.

It doesn’t mean the behaviour is correct or should change that DSD calls you mum.