To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Your logic makes no sense. You said she'd given up on having kids. Not that she's always said she didn't want them...

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

But children are annoying sometimes! Are you one of those sickly gushy parents who thinks everything about their DC is adorable?

Food covered child hug is gross.
Cleaning up sick is yuck.
The toothpaste thing is ridiculous.
And yes, if it had taken me two hours to put my child to bed I would see that as a waste of my time and I would be annoyed.

What do other people who know you and SIzl think @hmln ?

Thing is, these examples could be interpreted in many different ways depending on a whole load of other contextual factors. Her comments could just as easily be interpreted as an attempt to bond with you/show empathy as they could a bitchy sneer at parenthood about parenting. I don't see any content that was a direct criticism of the DC either way though FWIW.

Things like this are all about context. Tone of voice, what percentage it forms of the conversation, how she engages with the DC directly. And that's before you even question whether you're projecting (not saying you are).

In this case I think you'd benefit from getting the perspective of your DH or other family members. What I definitely wouldn't do is make snide comments back. That's likely to end up with you being perceived as the argumentative one who causes family strife, and if she genuinely cannot have children you'll have hurt her badly and be seen as a total bitch. Finding a way to ignore it or call it out calmly (not in anger) and with a goal of reconciliation are your only two ways to deal with it effectively.

Excuse the typos!

I would also find those comments very hurtful. Because they are, at some (perhaps subconscious) level, designed to hurt. It sounds very much like they come from a place of pain, probably from a realization by your SIL that motherhood is no longer a likely option for her. Whether she actually wants kids or not, it’s hard to have options taken away.

I advise, however, that you neither ignore her comments nor ‘fight back’. It would be monumentally unkind to her to attack her lack of kids. Just as it would be unkind to yourself to ignore her comments.

Instead, fight fire with kindness. Ask for her help. Agree that it is hard to put kids to beds sometimes but they are always worth it. Suggest that the kids would absolutely love it if Auntie could perhaps read them a story sometimes; you’d massively appreciate her help too.

After all, we all know that it takes a village.

Invite her into your village.

I agree with PP none of these are digs at your children. It sounds to me that this is more about her trying to make peace with not having children and overcompensating. None of what she said is offensive, and your 2yo and 7mo are not going to be worried that they are annoying.

And the toothpaste breastfeeding incident sounds strange- I would just stand up with my baby on the breast and take the toothpaste away.

None of these comments are specific to your DC OP so I doubt they’d be upset by them even if they understood them.

Wow, please never say this. None of what she has said is personal. Either she is very sad deep down she cant have children or she is offering something to say at a difficult time either hoping it will bring a laugh or being a pita. Either way, your comment in reply would be terrible.

Or she might have genuinely changed her mind, and if so then these comments could be her feeling validated in her choice. I'm childfree by choice and often make observations like hers, albeit only inside my own head as I do think it's a bit rude to actually say these things.

Absolutely agree with this.

I suspect your gentle ineffective approach to some things hasn't helped.

I dont really think she is being offensive.If she wanted to do that she would comment on your ineffectual parenting eg re toothpaste incident

It doesn’t sound like she’s being mean but I agree that she doesn’t need to comment basically the same thing so often. She’s made her point.

Of course you could have your own child free equivalents criticising her ‘choice’ but it’s possibly not actually a choice she’s made but rather how things turned out- which is shit (for her) if she did want children. So I’d let her style it out personally. If it did get rude or slightly personal about your kids, I’d totally ignore and not even acknowledge her comments. It’d say more about her than you or your kids. I think the “Joys of kids” style comments are fine though! She’s right! 😂 They’re a pain in the arse.

That's not what gentle parenting is by the way.

Gentle parenting would be getting up, taking toothpaste and havingt hem help clean up the mess. No shouting, no hitting but setting a boundary firmly.

What an absolutely bitchy comment from you OP. Awful.

I really feel for her tbh. She seems, at least from how you recount it, like she's really hurting

We know I'm not particularly maternal (I do love DS!!) but honestly, everything she has said is true. If you are childless WHY would you want to be smeared in yogurt and vomit and kept awake all night and have no social life??? We should all adore our own children but why on earth does she have to think what you have is better than her life? Maybe she is putting on a front as deep down she is upset she doesn't have kids but honestly, I think you are way too sensitive.

What is with all this "be kind" bullshit? The woman is consistently making negative comments about the OPs kids. Why can't the SIL keep her mouth shut and opinions to herself and #bekind?

I have kids and a two hour battle to put your kid to bed IS a waste of the evening. She's right. When my toddler takes hours to settle I hate it as I have had no down time .

She's right, about everything, good for her, parenting is hard, she recognises that. There's no criticism personally that I can see to get offended at.
I also wouldn't have bothered changing after the yogurt kiss, I'd have wet wiped and got on with it...but it is quite disgusting, my kids do the same.

Sounds like you’re getting upset because some of this is touching a nerve.

If you’re taking two hours to get a toddler to go to bed then you’re doing something wrong. He should be sleep trained by now. Different if it’s a baby, absolutely not if it’s a toddler.
And you blatantly stood by and let your toddler squeeze a tube of tooth paste all over the floor. What consequences were there for doing that?

Frankly your toddler sounds like a brat in the making.

No, that would be very cruel of you especially as you d)not actually know if she’s ok with not having kids. But you already know that don’t you,

This would be incredibly unkind.

She’s not criticising you, she’s focusing on the benefits of not having kids. I think she probably still really wants kids but is trying to convince herself that she doesn’t….its self preservation. Just ignore her if it’s an issue and get over it.

Why do people automatically think she's jealous? Some of us have no desire to have a toothpaste covered floor or have to change because we have yogurt smeared on us.

Fucking hell. You know that isn't the same thing. You have the thing she is trying to convince herself she doesn't want.

If its bothering you ask her not to say things like that in ear shot of your kids.