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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

546 replies

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:28

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

  1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
  2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
  3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
  4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
  5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
  6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"
OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 28/12/2023 20:02

Sirzy · 28/12/2023 18:31

That to me sounds like she is trying to convince herself she isn’t upset she hasn’t got children

My thoughts exactly. She’s trying to see the positives for herself due to sadness / jealousy, unfortunately she can only do that by pointing out every negative to you.
Just roll your eyes and ignore, she’s obviously a bit gutted about not having kids but you know they aren’t small for long and all her little digs will end as they grow up.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 28/12/2023 20:03

She sounds really annoying, but I'd let it go. It's like she is trying to put you down for your life choices. Parenting is mostly shit (IMO!) so she should be more supportive but she probablydoesn't see it that way, she seems to enjoy watching the hard bits to reassure herself that her life path is better. I agree if you said 'must be so lonely having no one adore you like my DC adore me' it would be terribly bitchy. I think this is one of those 'rise above it' moments.

mn29 · 28/12/2023 20:03

Clearly sour grapes and she’s trying to convince herself and/or others that she’s pleased she doesn’t have kids. None of it is a dig at you but all about how she feels about her own situation.

Scottyme · 28/12/2023 20:03

Moveoverdarlin · 28/12/2023 19:01

She’s bluffing. It’s her coping mechanism because she knows it’s never going to happen to her. Inside she’s heartbroken and would love to be knackered and covered in yoghurt. She wants everything you’ve got.

We struggled to conceive and were constantly asked when we were having children at family gatherings. I’d often say ‘Ergh no thanks’ and ‘I like my lavish holidays too much’. Because the alternative was to say ‘I can’t have children, we’ve spent tens of thousands on treatment, but it’s not happening’. That would have been heartbreaking for me and embarrassing for the person I was talking to. So Instead I was a bit of an ice-queen who put up this child hating front.

Go easy on her, just ignore it.

Edited

This! I was in the same boat

Willmafrockfit · 28/12/2023 20:04

she sounds reasonable.

HappyBusman · 28/12/2023 20:04

Azandme · 28/12/2023 18:51

YABU. Massively oversensitive.

Not offensive in the slightest, but accurate.

I have kids following years of fertility issues - and, shock horror, sometimes the bedroom routine is tedious, I'd be irritated by the yoghurty hands, and yes there are many things that were easier before children, and things I missed.

Perhaps YOU are sensitive because she's hitting a nerve - you're quite vehement about what a privilege parenting is, and how it's all such a JOY - perhaps you are in fact the lady that "doth protest too much" because you feel truth in what she's saying and there's a tiny part of you that misses the pre-children freedoms, which you then feel guilty about and you're feelings are actually annoyance that she's triggered those feelings with her comments.

FYI - missing pre children things is normal. Finding the whole parenting experience utter perfect joy - not so much. There isn't a parent alive who hasn't thought, "JUST GO TO SLEEP!" at least once, or been frustrated by one of a million different things.

Edited

Agreed. The interesting bits of parenting aren’t the visible drudgery, nappies and sleep battles stuff. Those are pretty tiresome. I had my child at 39 and enjoy parenthood, but I’m not of the ‘It is my privilege to wipe your bottom’ school.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 28/12/2023 20:05

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:33

Well I'd say putting my child to bed isn't wasting my evening and if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! Whether he's covered in yogurt or not.
And I don't want him to hear, after he's hugged me (or DH) that this is annoying. It's not.

I think you need to consider as PP have said that your SIL has had to reframe not having children and these comments (most of which are true!) are simply about her reconfirming to herself that she is happy and satisfied with her status quo. I don't think you need to "do" anything about it. I don't think your two year old is going to be offended - I thought you were going to say she was making comments to your DC that were putting them down etc (see another recent thread where a DB is doing exactly that in a hurtful way).

Baffledandalarmed · 28/12/2023 20:05

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

No. That would make you a massive twat and quite frankly I think you're a bit sick for even thinking of saying that to a woman who wanted kids but hasn't been able to. Just because you think she's given up on the idea of kids doesn't mean she has and comments like the one you suggested are downright cruel and completely different to her clumsy remarks.

She's clearly trying to make herself feel better and is doing it very clumsily. Try and have some empathy OP.

She has said nothing rude about your kids who, quite frankly, at 2years and 7 months probably don't even know they're being spoken about and will never remember it even if they do hear it.

Strawberryjams · 28/12/2023 20:05

All I get from those examples is a woman who more than likely really wishes she was a mum and is trying to act like she couldn’t care less. Trying to convince herself that they are annoying, yucky little monsters when in fact when she sees him run for a cuddle her heart probably aches. Not saying it’s right and I get why you wouldn’t want your kids to hear.
Maybe something in response like yeah I get that you’re not keen on kids but I love nothing more than a yogurty kiss they are the best aren’t they name. Or with the bedtime, yeah I get it would appear that way when you have so much fun not being tied down but tbh I love it, it’s not going to last forever and you won’t always need mummy so much will you name. Talking to the children one reinforces that you aren’t bothered no matter what their aunt says and two, makes it less of a direct attack. I’m sure if you reply back each time she will eventually stop.

PaperSky · 28/12/2023 20:07

Startrekkeruniverse · 28/12/2023 19:56

What an absolutely bitchy comment from you OP. Awful.

Show quote history

True though 🤷‍♀️

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 28/12/2023 20:07

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

Oh come on, you’re not actually this dim are you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2023 20:07

Sirzy · 28/12/2023 18:31

That to me sounds like she is trying to convince herself she isn’t upset she hasn’t got children

I agree

GRex · 28/12/2023 20:07

hmln · 28/12/2023 18:35

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"

Show quote history

This would just be you being seriously offensive.

She's being supportive while poorly covering up her pain at not having kids. It's clear as day. She's saying quite reasonable stuff, trying to empathise, and absolutely none of it is a dig at your kids as individual cute little humans. Try being polite at least in response, there's no harm intended here.

Holly60 · 28/12/2023 20:07

I think as well as trying to convince herself she is ok without children, she is also trying to head off any pity.

In her head (I am guessing) she is in a pitiable position, and so she is trying to say things to prevent people pitying her. She wants to make sure no one thinks she is sad and lonely. Which makes me think she is sad and lonely because she is projecting her own thoughts onto others and then saying things to try to prevent those thoughts in others.

One way might be to amp up your envy of her lifestyle. If you are saying it for her she might chill out. You then have control of the narrative and can phrase it how you want around your kids.

Tralafala · 28/12/2023 20:07

I have three kids, including a 2.5 yr old and a six month. Yes bedtimes are hard. Yes I don't want to be covered in yoghurt. The toothpaste you could have stopped. She wants kids and is trying to deal with probably not having them, cut her some slack.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2023 20:08

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/12/2023 18:31

Well, all those things are true, looks like she's focussing on the benefits of not having dc. I don't really see the problem. She's not criticising your dc, she's just saying parenting is bloody hard (and it is).

Yup

LegoFlower · 28/12/2023 20:10

Perhaps that's why she feels she has to constantly make the comments? Because the great joy of motherhood gets pushed in her face all the time?

OP hasn't pushed anything in her face. SIL seems to find the children and their parents' mere existence offensive and be under the illusion that they require her opinion on it.

Willmafrockfit · 28/12/2023 20:10

sounds like she cant say anything right as far as you are concerned

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 28/12/2023 20:10

This reply has been deleted

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whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2023 20:11

Her comments arent personal to just you though-ive said similar things to my own sister and no i really dont want kids i value my sleep and time too much, im not good with sick either and im quite happy

maybe shes not ok about not having a family but your comments would be taking it too far and not the samed at all

Purplewarrior · 28/12/2023 20:12

Baffledandalarmed · 28/12/2023 20:05

No. That would make you a massive twat and quite frankly I think you're a bit sick for even thinking of saying that to a woman who wanted kids but hasn't been able to. Just because you think she's given up on the idea of kids doesn't mean she has and comments like the one you suggested are downright cruel and completely different to her clumsy remarks.

She's clearly trying to make herself feel better and is doing it very clumsily. Try and have some empathy OP.

She has said nothing rude about your kids who, quite frankly, at 2years and 7 months probably don't even know they're being spoken about and will never remember it even if they do hear it.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes I agree with this. OP is surely being disingenuous claiming she really cannot imagine why these comments are being made.

If it makes you feel better/superior OP then yes, she’s saying these things because she is jealous.

But you already knew that. Unless you’re incredibly stupid as well as lacking a shred of empathy.

OhwhyOY · 28/12/2023 20:14

I think these comments are fine and would be surprised if they in any way upset your kids. If you're worried about it talkto her privately and say you're trying to avoid any negative comments about parenting toavoid upsetting the kids. I guess she's also trying to empathise with you so I'd try to build the relationship more as they grow older and see if she wants to take them out regularly etc if she's sad about not having her own.

flawlessandfearless · 28/12/2023 20:14

LegoFlower · 28/12/2023 20:10

Perhaps that's why she feels she has to constantly make the comments? Because the great joy of motherhood gets pushed in her face all the time?

OP hasn't pushed anything in her face. SIL seems to find the children and their parents' mere existence offensive and be under the illusion that they require her opinion on it.

You don't actually know that. The OP could be going on about her kids constantly.

Viclla · 28/12/2023 20:14

slashlover · 28/12/2023 20:01

Why do people automatically think she's jealous? Some of us have no desire to have a toothpaste covered floor or have to change because we have yogurt smeared on us.

I'd say it's because she protests too much. Surely you wouldn't be so rude to say those things to parents of small children if it wasn't coming from a place of pain and self preservation?

My best friend is genuinely childfree by choice. Totally owns it and is very happy (and I'm happy for her). She's lovely to her friend's children and expresses interest as you would. She would never judge or slate women who choose motherhood or say any of those things.

LegoFlower · 28/12/2023 20:14

I think both the things she's considering saying are miles more vicious than anything her SIL has said.

She didn't say that to SIL, or say that this is what she thinks. She was demonstrating to a poster who was saying SIL's behaviour is not offensive that a comment like this is the equivalent if a mother spoke to a childless woman the way SIL has repeatedly spoken to her. It demonstrates that it clearly is offensive in either direction, as you've picked up: very bitchy. The difference is that SIL thinks and says these things repeatedly. The OP hasn't been doing that.

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