To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

How does it take two hours + to put a toddler to bed?

All four of mine took about fifteen minutes.

"must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person"

Fucking hell.

There is nothing outright offensive about these comments but I could understand why you find them annoying... they are not very empathetic (seeing as they are delivered at times when you are dealing with minor stresses) they are repetitive and not particularly original or witty (therefore not really that funny). And you can't get away from them because it's family (in-law). All of these can contribute to comments feeling pretty grating!

She's not making digs at your kids....I make jokes like.this about my own kids all the time
YABU and over sensitive

Oooooo no.
I thought I wanted to be childless (still did when I got pregnant on the pill).
These are all things I would probably have said at some point to SIL/friends with kids. They're just observations.

Turns out having kids is bloody brilliant. But, as you well know, you DO sacrifice alot.

Your kids will not be harmed by these comments, as long as they have their loving parents which it sounds like they do.

Honestly. I don't think I could be offended by this at all.

You are being WAY too oversensitive here. It's obvious she wishes she had kids herself and is just trying to look on the bright side. I bet she thinks your kids are absolutely adorable and she wishes, wishes she had the same. But she doesn't, and so she's trying to look on the bright side. And everything she said is true! Just give her a hug and say 'we're very lucky to have them, we know that.'

She's not wrong. You're taking this too personally. And a child hearing that they're being a bit annoying is sometimes exactly what they need to hear.

I agree with sirzy. Although I think I would also find it irritating.

OT but why didn't you just stop bf for a few seconds to stop your toddler smearing toothpaste all over?

This. And if any parent says otherwise, they're liars 🤣🤣🤣🤣

YABU. How about thinking about how she feels? As someone who almost had to accept being childless, I'd go easy on her. She's not being offensive at you. I'd highly suspect seeing you and your DH with your kids could be breaking her heart knowing she might never have that.

Well, you could play her at her own game if you can be bothered (not sure I could be)'
She says :
1.SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
You 'Hardly ever happens. He's usually really good- bath, story, lovely cuddle and he's fast asleep.'

1. SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"

You say, smiling 'Oh there are hundreds of wonderful perks of being a mum'.

1. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"

You say 'Yes, but it's only for 3 or 4 years you know and it's worth it- you get so much love and joy back from your children.'

1. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"

You 'Ah well- we might be grateful if they are there to help us when we get old.'

1. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"

You 'It's a privilege being loved by your toddler- lots of hugs and kisses every day. Best part of the day.'

1. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

You 'Yes, I often think I deserve a medal. But when you love them so much you'd do anything for them.'

All said with a big smile.

Some heartless comments to the childless SIL here.

We she's not wrong, is she? None of those are exactly parenting highlights. Of course there are highlights, and amazing wonderful things about having kids, but they are mostly dependent on said child being yours.

This actually make me puke a little into my mouth.

Some of the suggested responses on here are just... baffling in their cruelty. They also clearly show that some some really do secretly look down on other women for not having children, in their heart of hearts.

I don’t think anything she’s said is offensive. It’s maybe just you’ve taken it a little to heart.
brush it off. Maybe get some good sleep and don’t over think x

She sounds bitter

Only if you're fine with her replying how sad it is that you seem to have no life outside of your DH and kids now.

I don't have a DH or kids (by choice). I'm not lonely and it's not at all hard not to have kids. I'd cringe if you said that to me.

YABU to be offended. Honestly, just be grateful that you have your children.

And maybe wipe their faces after food and take the toothpaste away from the 2yo before he squeezes it all over the floor.

She sounds jealous and trying to convince herself. She's very rude though.
I'd be tempted to cheerfully reply "I wouldn't have it any other way", "best thing I've ever done" or "but they are so worth it".

And I say this as someone who suffered infertility for 10 years. I might have tried to convince myself privately but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying those things out loud. To parents of small children...

Well then you've hit the life jackpot and don't need to worry about her opinion.

You sound so heartless saying 'given up on the idea' by the way.

My youngest is like your children. My eldest has a seizure disorder, likely ADHD and a diagnosed sleep disorder and looking at medication at almost 6. No amount of routine, sleep associations or whatever works in some cases. You literally cannot force a kid to sleep

I think if you said anything like that, you'd be being deliberately hurtful. So please don't stoop so low.

I don't think what she's saying is particularly offensive tbh - whilst having children is the most precious thing, being covered in yogurt isn't!

She’s just an immature arse. I had a former friend like this who apparantly never wants kids…she’s a competitive type who used to diss having kids. I actually think she can’t have them and just does it to make herself feel better.

Whereas one of my besties who genuinely never wants kids and never has, and is very secure in herself, is absolutely lovely to my children and never feels the need to make stupid, snarky remarks.

She might be having a hard time but everyone has their own personal issues, she needs to put her big girl pants on and grow up.

This.

I have a friend who’s similar and she does it with regard to partners, too. Constant remarks like “I’m so glad I get to put my career first/have freedom/can stay out all night/don’t depend on a man etc.”

Then she’ll get drunk and cry that she’s single and childless. It’s all a (very sad) act. Nothing you can do really except try to ignore it and let her keep making herself feel better with the digs.