To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

comment for someone who has spent 2 hours putting a toddler to bed.

Unless said comment is 'want a cup of tea' there's no comment needed!

I love that the mums are convinced that the SIL wants what they have even though she has said several times that she doesn't. Perhaps that's why she feels she has to constantly make the comments? Because the great joy of motherhood gets pushed in her face all the time? It can be really annoying. And nobody ever really believes that you are happy to be childfree. If you are childfree and single then forget it. They think you're secretly suicidal with jealousy over their (usually awful) dh's and (usually not so awful, but you're still happy to hand them back) kids.

She's being an absolute asshole, but for some reason om here people act lkke it's acceptable to make digs like this towards mothers but not the other way round.

I agree with this.

As a pp said, it is one thing to think it and another to say it. I wouldn’t be offended but I would be annoyed by it.

Wonder how it would go if OP shrugged and answered “well, just comes with the territory of having small children” or something along those lines, after every time SIL made a comment about the children.

Would it be acceptable? It is a true comment and considerably inoffensive.

I think you are choosing to be offended when you could just choose to ignore and move on.

she is not saying anything that is incorrect, she is possibly upset about the choice being taken away from her.

you know that it is not an annoyance to you which should be enough

Spending 2 hours putting a whiney kid to bed is an absolute waste of time. But we've all done it and the payoff for being a mum makes it okay.

As per the OP: So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

I think both the things she's considering saying are miles more vicious than anything her SIL has said.

she sounds a bit of an odd-bod with these constant remarks but I wouldn’t take too much notice of it and probably just have a giggle about her with my husband later.

or just say “yeah haha, you don’t sound like you’re cut out for kids”

You’re being totally precious. She isn’t commenting on YOUR kids or YOUR parenting, her comments are very general (and tbh true). Please don’t follow any of the advice on here to make disgusting spiteful comments regarding her childless status to her.

This

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Ignore her, laugh it off, or say something schmaltzy (but pass agg) like " yes but the snuggles and the I love you Mummy's are worth it"

Or, even, re the yuk, sick comment: "you think that's bad, you should see what comes out the other end. Sometimes it's Green - what's that about? And the smell, My God the smell"

Or, this one: "it'll be time for payback when i'm an old infirm lady & they have to clear up my piss & wipe my bottom. Lucky them."

I have used variatio s on these and it usually shuts them.up!!

Oh come off it. It's tedious and rude and sounds relentless. She sounds like a really boring person to be around. Someone who is totally focussed on resolving her issues of being childless by making it all sound sooooo drearrrrry. Good grief I couldn't be arsed with her.

OP I'd just say 'yeah well the love is so enmense it makes it more than worthwhile. It's like nothing anyone without a child could imagine. I guess that's why so many people have more than one child eh'

Cruel? Maybe. But my god does she have it coming

I wouldn't be so cruel to mention she doesn't have a husband or children when it's clear she is trying to convince herself she doesn't want them. It's annoying but just brush it off. Do you see her that often? The things you are considering saying are nasty.

YABU She’s probably just trying to make herself feel better. Your eldest is only 2. His feelings are not going to be hurt. It’s not really about you, and to be honest you don’t need to make it about you. Her comments are general so just let it go.

I only think that because the op said so.

It could be that she genuinely thinks parenting small kids is a pain in the arse. I love my kids, wanted them enough to go through significant physical and emotional upheaval to have them and still would have cheerfully said yep bedtimes a shiyshow, I'd tell the gross story of the time he threw up in my actual mouth etc when she was horrified by reflux. Pre school aged kids are hard work and gross. Even when you love them and would give anything for them dunno why op is offended by that

My kids are older but I agree with everything she said! The only thing is I would never sit there breastfeeding while watching my child squeeze out toothpaste on the floor In someone else’s house and not do anything. I also would not want to be smeared in yoghurt as soon as I come in so I have to change and two hours to put a child to bed a night is a nightmare.

Refusing to go to bed for 2 hours, squeezing toothpaste and smearing it everywhere despite being told not to several times and rubbing yogurt all over someone? I don’t think it’s your SIL who is the problem in this family hahahaha

Mothers and small children are socially vulnerable and childless people are in a far easier position in society. It would absolutely not be 'punching down', and the 'be kind' 'have empathy' and 'be nice' squad need to realise this goes both ways. If you can't manage to be decent to a mother struggling with two small children you can't really demand any kind of special consideration yourself. OP isn't asking much, just not to have someone making snide digs at her just because she's a mother.

Also it’s quite possible to breastfeed a baby and retrieve a tube of toothpaste from a toddler.

Same! And then read OP's intervention saying about how it's a privilege to be hugged by a child covered in yoghurt and am fully on SIL's side of this debate.

If it really bothers you OP, don't tune in to it. Rise above but don't make it a thing.

I think she may be sad she hasn't had children and this is how she projects (but also she's right and it's a tough old slog for anything from 18 years onwards...)

I’d laugh it off with a sly dig of my own “ well parenting is not for everyone! You have to be selfless for a start …” then leave it.
she is clearly sad she doesn’t have kids, and is looking to “prove” to you all it doesn’t matter when it’s obvious it does.
don’t start a row, just subtly fire back and laugh it off.

Completely agree with this. She’s trying to justify her childlessness. Or in other words: she’s jealous.

@ChillysWaterBottle Mothers and small children are socially vulnerable and childless people are in a far easier position in society. It would absolutely not be 'punching down', and the 'be kind' 'have empathy' and 'be nice' squad need to realise this goes both ways. If you can't manage to be decent to a mother struggling with two small children you can't really demand any kind of special consideration yourself. OP isn't asking much, just not to have someone making snide digs at her just because she's a mother.
I agree. She sounds like really hard work.

Literally all of those comments are fine. Also just unlatch the baby and stop the 2yo squeezing toothpaste everywhere.

You’re over analysing everything she says. I have children but say similar in jest. Your dcs will only be upset if they see you stressing and upset. I couldn’t be arsed to give any of those comments headspace. Sounds exhausting.

It's a privilege to YOU, no one else.

It's not wasting YOUR evening, no one else's.

Their your kids, your kids don't mean what they mean to you, to anyone else.

She's said facts. Your kids aren't the centre of everyone's universe and she hasn't criticised your parenting or children at all.