To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Thumbs down to those who are defending her. Of course she’s making offensive remarks! Sounds bitter and jealous to me. Not sure how you can stop it without a falling out, though. Easier said than done to pick her up on comments.

Yes.

I also can’t see the issue here, nothing she said was wrong, Christ I’m a parent and I’d have said stuff like this.

why such sensitivity? Why are you taking offense? Are tou just looking for a reason to fall out with her, do you not like her, so are just trying to find something and wanted to know if you could use this? Because I think you need to go back to thr drawing board and find something else to cause drama over.

What an awful thing to write. How can you possibly think that’s the same? I can’t believe you even thought it, never mind wrote it.

From the examples you've just given, she's got a point
No way would I have spent 2 hours getting my kids into bed.

Sorry OP, you sound achingly twee. Nobody enjoys spending two hours of a visit trying to get a child to go to sleep. And as someone else we are not the whole world for our children.

I loved being a mother but didn't feel the need to sugarcoat it

Agreed.

I wonder if this is simply the op can’t stand her sister in law and is looking for a reason to have a go at her. Either that or she’s proper uptight about parenting.

Perhaps YOU are coming across very smug? You have a husband and two children. You have what she wants?? Put yourself in her shoes and be careful with what you say too. Being childless when you really want to be a mummy is soul destroying. Try to be kind!

I don't see anything wrong with what she said. Are you sure you're not jealous of her single life?

Either ignore her or respond to every dismissive comment with "totally worth it though 😊".

Exactly this

These are the sort of comments you'd laugh off, surely?!

YABU. What she said is not offensive, even people with kids say those things for heavens sake (I know I have). 'Perks of being a mum' after your kid smears toothpaste on the floor is the sort of thing a parent might say to another parent.

In truth you come across as a bit of a 'precious mummy'. Its normal for single people to find some elements of parenting unatracive (its different when it's your kids) and she is joking about that. Maybe she is saying it to convince herself she is not missing out, if so, it's still not offensive.

Plus the stuff you suggested you could say back about her being single and childless was cruel and in no way comparable to her comments.

Now If she said 'you need firmer boundaries with your kids as taking 2 hours to put them to bed is ridiculous'... that would be offensive.

childfree men and women in their 30’s get asked if they want children/ when are they having children/ why don’t they want children A LOT. It might be that SIL’s comments are her defence mechanism to ward off some of those unwanted comments In a way she can control. Its really hard to be put on the spot and asked when will you be having kids and come up with an answer you feel comfortable with, especially when it is from someone who you barely know and in front of others (eg at a meal or at work).

The people saying this... What WOULD you do if your child just wouldn't sleep? Almost 6 yes in we know my son has seizure issues, sleep disorder, likely ADHD, however for years he just 'took 2-3 hours to go to sleep and had low sleep needs' so what WOULD you do exactly I'd you wouldn't spend 2 hours getting your child to sleep?

People keep saying this and while I can assure you spending 2 hours doing a very structured bedtime routine and spending all day everyday tailoring the day to meet all the need that allow my child to sleep is very much not ideal, what would you do exactly if your child wouldn't/couldn't sleep?

I think she is trying to empathise with you, and you might be taking it the wrong way.
Next time she does it, ask her whether she’s expressing empathy or criticism, as you are beginning to get yourself upset, thinking it’s the latter.
If said in a suitably mild tone, it shouldn’t upset her, and you’ll either get a straight answer, or she’ll change her commentary.

She is not being nasty to your children per se but if you make a comment about it being sad she is childless you will ruin your relationship with your PIL as she is their child. What does your DH say as she is his sister and any comments which have upset you should be addressed by him.

Her comments are not incorrect and all it takes is a comment from you to reinforce the positive of parenting if you are worried her comments will upset your children. I bet they couldn't care less though.

Yes ‘tone and frequency’ are significant. I assumed that OP had given a few examples and that there are plenty more from SIL.

🤣

I bet she'll tell you she loved every minute of watching her toddler explore toothpaste smears because she's doing the Montessori approach and gentle permissive parenting. Also being enraged as a mother of a toddler making one hell of a mess does not enter her perfect little zen world of parenting where there are solely rainbow and butterflies and she obviously wouldn't leave her precious newborn off the breast for 2 minutes not to cause them emotional harm 🥰🥰🥰

She's too fake, smug and judgmental about herself to admit how she really feels as a parent, especially in front of her SIL 🤣🤣🤣

I think you've got it.

But you're acknowledging that needing to do that isn't the norm, that it's hard work and whilst it's not a waste of time in the sense that it achieves the outcome it's still a waste of time when you could be doing something else. You're not saying that taking 2 hours at bedtime is part of the joy of being a parent.

Or maybe she truly isn't upset that she doesn't have children. Perhaps she is more than happy to have clean, toothpaste free floors and that she can get a good night's sleep by going to bed as and when she chooses.

Well this is exactly what you say isn't it.

"It doesn't feel like a waste, I wouldnt have it any otherwise would I Jonny?" (Massive cuddle)

The difference is that YOUR comments are personal and are to her about her. Her comments are comments on general things.

To be like how YOU want to be, she would need to say, "Ugh, little Johnny is such hard work! Are all little kids this disobedient?" "Yuck, Beatrice seems unable to keep her food down. I wonder what is wrong with her?"

See the difference?