To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Third.

I will say that a 7 month old and a 2 year old from what I know can be relentless, tiring as well as the loveliest beings ever (discounting OP’s yogurt hug smug comment). So I think there’s a bit of bitterness from OP knowing that her SIL can go home and not do the bedtime routine.

Now that comes across as smug.

Even taken all together her comments are not digs at your children! Sometimes toddlers do behave in an annoying way. A couple of hours bedtime is nobody's idea of fun, so you lose nothing by agreeing by agreeing with your SiL. Your suggested responses would be deliberately unkind.

I mean... she is right though!

I am very happily child free by choice and the things your sil has said are all things that I would think too. I am in no way jealous of people with children, not for a single second would I want to be a parent.

It may be a bit tactless to say these things out loud but all of you saying she's jealous/sour grapes etc might want to consider that some people genuinely are happy without reproducing.

I don’t find any of that offensive. I might have thought that too before I had kids. We don’t mind the sleepless nights, vomit and mess because they’re our kids and we love them but it can be difficult for a childless person to understand.

Equally, if it’s true that she wanted children but it just didn’t happen for her, it might be her way of coping.

In any case, I wouldn’t say anything. Just smile and move on. She did not comment on your parenting or your kids in particular, they’re just general observations.

YANBU, she sounds nasty. I’d have to say something along the lines of you may not want to have kids but you don’t need to be so rude about our choice. Good luck

Many women don't make a secret about it. The way OP writes makes me wonder if she's one of them.

She's not having a dig at your kids, OP. YABU.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

'2 hours though???? I’d say that’s a waste of anyone’s time!!'

A waste of time?? It's an absolute privilege. It was always the highlight of my day!

You do you. I like my evenings thanks. Bedtime took 10 minutes tops
here ( for both kids to be tucked in and settled )

There are pros and cons to having children and not having them. I agree with others that she’s probably trying to convince herself that she doesn’t want children.

But it is rude to be constantly making comments to you suggesting she’s glad that she doesn’t have the same lifestyle as you. E.g. I don’t repeatedly tell my friend who has a horse that I’m so happy I don’t have one. Or repeatedly tell my married friends that I’m so relieved I don’t have a husband. It’s disrespectful.

I would try having a gentle word with her and ask her to ease off the comments.

Tbh, you sound as if you're trying to convince yourself that your life is all sunshine and rainbows as well...
Leave your SIL alone and get on with it.

The second one to assure everyone it's "a privilege" 🤔

Is anyone else waiting for the OP to come back and explain how breastfeeding has rendered her paralyzed and therefore unable to remove toothpaste from a toddler?

Sounds as though she is jealous of your having children when she hasn't been able to.

Have to say - as somebody who has been looking back with rose tinted glasses now she has teenagers - I read your examples and thought ‘thank fuck we are beyond this stage.’

Parenting is hard whatever stage, and even when you’re a parent it can be bloody relentless, and can imagine it looks even more exhausting from the outside.

Is there something between you both prior to children.

The examples given sounds like her being sad she doesn’t have children and laughing it off - a coping mechanism.

It sounds like you are spread a bit thin and sensitive to commentary, as annoying as it is. Be charitable. Greet it with kindness. Perhaps greet there’s comments with once’s such as her not being past it quite yet etc

You must know that this is not the same at all.

As PP have already said, it sounds like she wanted kids but it wasn't on the cards, so she's now trying to convince herself of the advantages of not having them. However, most of these things on paper don't sound bad - it's hard to know without being a fly on the wall to gauge the tone/frequency of the comments.

It's possible that she's just trying to make conversation. When people become parents, their kids understandably end up taking up a significant portion of their lives - and therefore the conversations they have with other people. Maybe she just doesn't know what to talk to you about if not the kids and thinks she is being supportive by mentioning how tough parenting is. Or maybe you talk about the kids a lot and haven't necessarily noticed yourselves doing it. Totally understandable, especially when you're around extended family, but you might be bothering her as much as she's bothering you if she's not happy about her own situation.

Indeed. I was always amazed at what I could achieve, one-handed, with one child attached to a boob.

Shes just stating the truth of bringing up kids. I inwardly cringe or roll my eyes when I hear kids having tantrums and being general noisy toddlers and that's only because my kids are now teenager and adults 😂

This!

But yeah it makes you feel rubbish. I get you.

She shouldn’t say it though should she. It’s rude. Imagine if the op said oh look at you I’d be so lonely eating alone or I’d hate to have no one to share my bed with.

Maybe reframe it as child free and partner free ! Then you will see she’s not aching for either she’s just happy with her choices and child free and partner free life !