To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

*So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

Except in our case it concerns two little people who could potentially overhear that they're perceived as "annoying"*

Oh wow, surely you realise this isn't the same at all! You have kids, which she wanted and has been unable to have. It sounds like she is desperately trying to convince herself, and everyone around her, that she's fine with that. Have a little empathy for goodness sake!

The only thing I would dislike is my kids overhearing what she says - maybe asking her to not say that in front of the kids would be okay ... personally I'd let it go though.

If you're the type to go on about how much of a privilege it is to be putting a child to bed for 2 hours I can well imagine why someone, who is struggling with the thought of not having kids, would say these things.

I've got 2 kids. Everything she says is correct tbh.

Literally why would you watch the toothpaste thing? Just unlatch baby for 2 seconds. It all sounds OTT.

Well you'd be pretty unpleasant if you did that.

I have one son, all grown up now and frankly I'd have found some of your examples extremely annoying if he'd done them. Especially the toothpaste incident.

You know what though OP at the risk of damaging your relationship with your SIL (and DB and also possibly your PIL) and risk SIL maybe not wanting to be such a loving auntie to your DC then go right ahead and say what you really want to say to her which you’ve written here? You know you really want to say it

Then come back here and update us.

First comment nailed it. It is not against you. She is convincing herself she does not want them after giving up on the idea of motherhood. However, if would annoy me too as I don’t want to be reminded all the time about what I have given up by having children.

I agree. Ignore it. Externally even if it twinges internally. There are two things here. The fact she’s choosing to say it and how it makes you feel. If it hurts you, which it sounds like it does, I got told a great technique which over time leaves the comment with the person choosing to say it. Score them out of 10 in your head. Your perception of how much effort they’ve put into the comment gets one score and how much it hurts gets another. Try it. It really works. Her feelings get left with her and you verbalise your feelings in your head to yourself.

I think it’s probably v hard for her being around it all and to me sounds like she’s dealing with it well, sympathising with you, looking for benefits of not doing it herself. Just agree with her and out how hard it is and you have something in common! Sounds like it could be a lot worse…

Same here.

Ha ha love this, gave me a good laugh, thank you! I thought the same.

Also, I actually think she is trying to be really supportive of you by acknowledging how hard things seem to be. She probably can't win, if she raised her eyebrows and said nothing I think you would assume she was judging you. Think she sounds fab and if you could possibly chill out a bit about the comments all would be well!

She's jealous as hell. Poor sod.

They are not really nasty comments they sound like someone who wants kids trying not to be upset they do t have them. She's not insulting your kids specifically she's noting the challenges of parenting so I'd leave her alone.

If she actually says something nasty that's specifically your child not generally children and says it's a joke when you pull her up on it just say it's not a joke you fond funny and you won't allow it around your children

I’ve been in your DSiL position. Single and childless not by choice in mid to late 30s and it is really difficult (I am now married with children, but the pain of that time lingers). Unless you have been there, you can’t understand the panic and pain of it. It sounds as if your DSiL is coping by projecting onto your situation, which she maybe desires, to convince herself it’s not what she wants and feel in control. It isn’t about you or your kids. You can either tell her that these comments hurt you, ‘hey Sil when you make comments about how horrible parenting is, it’s hurtful to me and I’m worried the children will hear and somehow get the message they aren’t loved.’ Or you can let it go, and consider it an act of compassion towards someone in a difficult emotional position.

2 hours though???? I’d say that’s a waste of anyone’s time!!

I think she is just a bit sad and a bit relieved and not experienced in the right things to say. Just forget it and move on.

Maybe it’s just me but for all the posters replying saying SIL is the one who’s bitter & jealous about not having kids, to me it’s the one who’s come on to MN to write a post about her childless SIL innocuously remarking on the (to her) positive differences between parenthood vs child free living who comes across as bitter.

But like I said, maybe it’s just me

Obviously I don't know what her motives are but I'd ask her to not make comments like that in front of the children.

She has a point.

So if I start saying things like "wow it must get so lonely for you not having kids or a husband" or "must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person" that would be non offensive too, right?

If you believe she's saying these things to try to convince herself then you would be incredibly cruel to do this, @hmln . Are you that vindictive?

Well, she's not wrong is she? I'm just surprised that she spends so much time hanging around your place.

I think that her comments are all fine and lighthearted. She's either trying to convince herself that she's not missing out, given that she wanted kids, or she's actually acknowledging how difficult the role is. Even when all stacked together they still aren't personal or an attack.

YABU I have children and think those things when I see/am with people with babies and toddler now mine are past that stage. I wouldn't say it to them though.

So respond with something lovely as your concern is your DC. “Oh these things happen but the cuddles are worth it”, and take her aside separately and ask about it collectively, maybe written like this. I’m guessing she is hurting from not getting chance and blustering to try to convince herself how awful it all looks so she doesn’t get too upset

Taking 2 hours to put a child to bed is unquestionably a waste of time.

The it's such a privilege to be covered in yoghurt but sounds extremely smug.

Not just you.

She might be making digs but she doesn't see the joy and happiness that you and DH have when your children make you laugh or achieve something new.
It's just sour grapes sadly.

Her comments are not offensive. I think she's touched a nerve and you are being over sensitive and defensive. Not everyone is going to validate your life choices or think being covered in yoghurt is the greatest privilege of their life...

I can see that her comments might be irritating in the moment, especially when you are looking after two small children, but they don't sound like anything to fall out over.