To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

This was me before I had kids. I would say things like that when I thought I would never get the opportunity to have kids, almost as though I wanted to prove to others that I didn’t want kids and that I would be happy for my life to carry on as it was. That wasn’t actually the case, as much as I was trying convince people/myself.
As far as comebacks from you to SIL and to never make your kids feel insecure, you can just say “I’ll take the rough with the smooth/I wouldn’t have it any other way really” or that kind of thing.

Do you regret getting married and having kids? If not no it’s not the same thing.

Where does it say OP makes her entire personality about having children? I have a child and genuinely love it but it's just one part of my life. When I get together with friends we rarely talk about our children beyond exchanging pleasantries. We meet up just as we did pre children. I love hearing about my child free friend's exciting life.

I don't like dogs or see the appeal there. When my friends show me pics of their dog or tell me about their latest escapade I smile and say the dogs are very cute or clever. I wouldn't start listing reasons why I'm glad I don't have a dog. I also wouldn't keep gushing about my child to someone I know who had fertility issues. It's like, know your audience?

Having said that, I do think child free women face a lot of judgement and ignorance from people who are too stupid to realise that other people will have different opinions and feeling on things.

Totally agree.
It is sad and understandable that she has to convince herself that she isn’t upset.
However, she needs to grow out and be a supportive and pleasant SIL and Aunty.
SIL Is saying far too many negative digs.

Then OP would probably complain that she's interfering. I have a feeling that SIL wouldn't be able to win either way since OP is taking the comments so personally.

Maybe SIL doesn't feel comfortable playing with young children or simply doesn't want to.

She is possibly being slightly rude, possibly just trying to be lighthearted and slightly misjudging. Either way I can't see why you're so bothered. You clearly think she's desperately jealous of your children, can you really not cut her some slack? This reminds me of the threads where someone whinges that their friend going through infertility hell isn't excited enough about their own pregnancy. Even if their behaviour isn't completely ideal: just have a bit of grace if you think they're hurting. You have what you want, you can afford a bit of kindness and turning the other cheek.

I am the queen of reading too much into things and being over sensitive but I honestly can’t see that your SIL has said anything rude. My sister who hasn’t had children says similar things to me and we laugh about it because it’s true. I love my kids but it’s hard work and yes, spending hours of your time trying to get a toddler to sleep is a waste of time. My eldest was a dream to put to bed, my youngest however would not sleep ever! It was one of the worst times of my life as i had no sleep or down time. Calling the battle to get them to sleep a waste of time is true, she is not saying parenting is a waste of time!
I wonder if you are over sensitive as you aren’t feeling confident in how you parent or how you feel others perceive your parenting. You seem to have automatically assumed your sil is disparaging your children rather than it just being her making light hearted comments about the hardships of parenthood to make conversation and empathise.

Having not had kids myself (being literally 50/50 on the fence about having/not having children) though I wouldn’t say these comments to my SIL, if I did say them then I don’t think she’d be offended. If I do say the odd thing (DNephew who’s 5 can be very challenging but is also being a 5 year old) which could be construed as mildly offensive then I’d apologise straight away (but I don’t say things like that).

If you did say the comments about being childless to me I’d be very upset and I certainly wouldn’t forget them though I may forgive you. They’re certainly unnecessary and very cruel and unkind.

Your SIL being in her mid 30s still may have children, you don’t know. Oh and her comments aren’t rude to me at all. You’re being over sensitive.

I have a friend like this. She regularly says how awful my life is because she’s convincing herself and others that she doesn’t find it painful that she doesn’t have children and a family. I don’t say that I think her life is sad and awful because I don’t think that (sometimes I’m jealous of her freedom) but neither in a million years would I want to swap places with her. Whereas she would love my life and can’t have it so is openly hostile about it. I feel sad for her but I don’t enjoy her company much because of it.

sorry, ANYONE getting upset by this, is trying to convince themselves they may be don't want their kids and regret having them!

are you fat op? i am slim and have always been. i have a weak digestive system so only like eating light food. over the years, i have had to contend myself with hearing comments like: 'mhmm, nice figure, is eating salad how you keep it?' or have a biscuit- you can afford to etc etc etc.

annoying at times, but i didn't care nor did i waste time on it. i worked-out a lot too, and that was to do with my demanding job- gym gave me energy!

it not about it, OP doesn’t complain on lack of involvement or help from SIL, she doesn’t like her unpleasant comments.
We are not discussing what normal aunt would do we are discussing what she won’t do - these comments.

I completely agree with @LegoFlower ‘s posts - they are a very good assessment.

I don’t think it’s offensive but if the same person is making comments like this every time they see you then it’s very irritating!
Call her out for being annoying by making the comments next time rather than the actual wording.

I'm not the one who brought up what a 'normal' Aunt would do, pp did. I just simply responded to it.

I completely disagree with those posts and don't think they are a good assessment at all.

I am childless, the constant stream of comments by her are rude.

The difference is you have a choice in having the family you want, including all the shit that comes with it, and she doesn't.

My whole family routinely say stuff like this about the kids in our family, it's totally normal. I'm also 39, childless and relationship less, desperately want kids but realise it won't happen. I regularly make comments like 'glad it's you not me' to my sister with her 5 children, etc etc. I'm jealous as fuck, just trying to cling on to recognise the benefits I have from my situation. I also have no real time for her complaints or problems, they are part of parenthood and of her own making, it's hard to here complaints about something you want and don't have, so I joke them away whenever she moans.

I think she finds your wains annoying. I was the single, childless SIL for ages, it was awful - especially at Christmas. This was through all of my 20s and most of my 30s. People secretly judging or feeling (faintly disguised) pity for you. Everything revolves around the kids, you feel like a spare part and totally excluded from any conversation about the children because of course you won’t be able to offer any advise or suggestions because ‘you don’t have kids, you won’t understand’.

That said, I would never have made such petty comments out loud, no need for it.

I’m sorry but all I got from that was why the ever loving fuck did you not take the toothpaste off your 2 year old? Do you grow roots when breastfeeding or something??

This. I think both of you are justifiably upset - you that she says things you'd rather your DC didn't have to hear (and doesn't give you much understanding), her that she doesn't have children and wants to convince herself that's ok. As someone who had DC latish, also with friends who haven't had them (not by choice) I've been on both sides of this, and both are difficult to manage. I would probably let it pass or just say something to DC so they know you don't find them annoying.
However irritating it is, and I get why it is, I feel like what you don't have and wanted (her) usually hurts far more than what you do even when it's difficult (you) so I'd acknowledge to yourself/DH/friends that it's crap, but swallow it in front of SIL.

Not everyone likes the downsides of having kids, even those who have their own. And the comments seem reasonable enough to me. Some even sound like she is letting you off the hook a bit by saying she appreciates your difficulties. I wonder if there isn't a bit of you that's jealous of her not having to do the things that parents have to do?

Agree. Be kind. You've got two kids, I'd say that's a lottery win for many. Her comments are very, very mild. With each further comment here you're sounding more prickly. The stuff about the kids hearing is twaddle. Count your blessings and go easy.

I don’t get why you’re offended. Everything she points out is true. Children are often tedious & take over your life. Not everyone wants a life like that.

I think you are massively overthinking. I’m sure you also say things unwittingly that other people find annoying. Nobody is 100% perfect all of the time.

I think she is trying to reassure herself as childless more than anything. Sounds a bit low self esteem on her side tbh.

I wouldn't take offence of it.

These are just normal things to say after those incidents

It’s perfectly possible that having wanted kids she is now relieved she doesn’t have any. I feel that way myself. Don’t take it personally, just be happy you have your children.