To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Her SIL is not "disparaging parenting" FFS, don't be daft 🤣🤣🤣

And no, her eldest won't understand these comments yet, on what planet are you! Another oversensitive poster.

'The lady doth protest too much'

You're being incredibly sensitive. None of those things are offensive. I opened up this thread expecting to read really rude comments but I can't see any there.

Perhaps. But as a childless woman who desperately wanted kids but has now had to come to terms with the fact that that ship has sailed I would say it is incredibly difficult, and I don’t think my siblings realise how draining it is to constantly have to be the understanding ear when listening to how tough life is as a parent.

”you have no idea how exhausting it is being a parent” you know what, I fucking don’t, but I’d bloody give up everything to know. So sometimes I just need you to shut up being the martyr and allow me to pretend for a minute that my life has a few fucking advantages. Even if it as as tiny as not having to clear some toothpaste off the floor.

Have you always disliked her?

How about "I never know how to respond when you say something like that." and just say it every time.

If you want to be a little more assertive add "Are you looking for me to respond in some way to this kind of comment?"

I agree

You don't sound like you have any empathy at all for a woman who "used to really want children but has probably given up on it now".

You got the prize, maybe try to be a bit grateful and forgiving of someone who is almost certainly hurting. You wouldn't swap with her in a million years, so just enjoy your kids and count your lucky stars you were able to have them.

I mean, she's annoying AF. Are you denying that commenting constantly on someone else's life decisions is obnoxious?

I don't think she's being particularly personal what she is saying is true, kids are hard work at times.

Sounds like she's pinpointed all the areas you feel weak in, so now you're projecting back onto her.

She sounds jealous and like she wants to piss on your fireworks by making comments. As you say, one of your children is getting old enough to understand or at least pick up on the atmosphere.

I think you or your DH are going to have to address it directly. Tell her you’re sorry that she doesn’t have children yet but her constant comments are becoming tedious and, more importantly, Older Child is getting old enough to understand.

If she persist after that, you’re going to have to answer her back more pointedly.

Can you just gently ask her to be a bit careful because now your oldest is getting a bit older you don’t want him getting the idea they’re a nuisance?
Though to be fair your children probably know very well that they’re not a nuisance to you. The most likely effect of SIL’s comments is probably to distance the children from her, I’d have thought.

Ignore the negative comments.
Not your fault your SIL is insecure and jealous.

These aren't horrible comments, by any means, alone. But sometimes what makes stuff annoying is how often the same thing is being said. What would otherwise seem like an observation or a joke starts to seem like something else.

I suspect she is somewhat trying to deal with some negative emotions. I'd be gracious though. Just ignore it, or respond in a light but sincere way as a pp suggested, something like "oh well, you have to take the smooth with the rough."

I’m a parent and I feel and would say those things , she’s spot on .

I think she just making herself feel better about not being a parent personally

I’m really sorry

but what she’s said isn’t offensive? Sounds like she deeply sad about not being able to have a child and trying to convince herself.

I didn’t get the sleep part though? What she said is something I’ve had plenty of people say to me…it’s just a known thing isn’t it.

This. exactly.

She sounds envious. Don't be upset.

Taking all night to get a child to bed would be a waste of an evening in my view (why can't they just go, have a story and then go to sleep nicely!) and I'd hate being covered with yogurt too.

I suppose that's why I only had one child.

Believe it or not OP, some people don't like kids. And it is very different when you have your own, you will put up with a lot more!

That said, I managed to go to the loo and eat meals in peace...

This!

Well, maybe not at bedtime situation but with a toothpaste incident SIL could offer to play with her nephew next time when OP was breastfeeding.
However Op was not complaining about lack of help, she was complaining about excessive digs.

Yes that's exactly what I said.

She is clearly hurting and trying to convince herself that she doesn't really want children and to be honest the stuff you said about her sounds really callous.

Perhaps it's annoying you so much because she's picking up on the areas you're struggling in. A toddler absolutely should not be squeezing toothpaste all over the floor while you nicely ask them to stop and get ignored or needing you for two hours at bedtime..... that is ridiculous and I say that as a parent of two young children with the same age gap. Sounds like she touched a nerve.

You’re being way too oversensitive. Anyone with an ounce of emotional sensitivity would see the reasons behind why she’s saying this, surely?

I don't think any of the things you've mentioned are remotely offensive and don't appear to be criticisms of your parenting. Your sister in law clearly doesn't want to have her own children and sounds as though she doesn't like them much, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.