To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

You may think it’s true but it’s a cruel thing g to say. It is possible to survive without being someone’s mummy.

”Must be hard realising there's no one in the world thinking you're their mummy, their whole world, their most important person”.

To be honest, I say things like this to my sister who has 2 under 4. I'm empathising. The only one I wouldn't say is the 'wasting my evening' one, which was badly phrased.

I wonder what response you would have accepted in the toothpaste incident?

"Oh gross, what has he done, Jesus look at this mess!"

Or

"[Name]! Look at what you've done!"

Or

hysterical laughter

I think all of the above are way worse than a simple attempt to wryly sympathise with you, which is what "the perks of having a toddler" is. Her response was a good one- an attempt to make it clear that she knew it was normal, that you were in a tough spot and that she wasn't judging you.

Tbh, almost all of her responses seem like either her trying to sympathise or trying to compliment you for being able to handle it. Parenting looks HARD and she's trying to make you feel seen by showing you that she gets it. I doubt you'd mind the comments st all (barring the wasted evening one) had they come from a fellow mum.

I think you’re making a big deal out of some fairly harmless comments. Most of them are things I’ve heard from other mums who adore their children.

I think you’re being massively over sensitive - to many, you have what everyone wants, a partner and kids. Some people that don’t have this (not everyone obviously - some couldn’t care less!!) try and convince themselves it’s not what they want to make themselves feel better. I’d cut her some slack - unless she is relentlessly critical of your lifestyle.

My point is things are either okay to say because they’re true, or they’re not.

My advice is not to give unsolicited opinions, whatever they’re about. It’s self absorbed and boring.

Why do you think people care to know about your opinion consistently, if they haven’t asked you?

Yes I agree with this. OP is surely being disingenuous claiming she really cannot imagine why these comments are being made.

If it makes you feel better/superior OP then yes, she’s saying these things because she is jealous.

But you already knew that. Unless you’re incredibly stupid as well as lacking a shred of empathy.
Agree with this. You've hit the nail on the head.

Written down - You sound overly sensitive - I don't see anything bad in what she said.
if she had said your kid was a brat taking two hours to go to bed or squeezing the toothpaste everywhere - that would be personal and rude. She could just say nothing at all and there isn't really a reason to comment in some of the examples - and it could be that it is not particularly what she says but the tone in which she says it? Everything she has said is true

Little kids are annoying OP. I wouldn’t do the things you’ve listed out for anyone other than my own kids and even then I was hard work draining and annoying as well as at times joyful and fulfilling.

how is she treated? Is she included and is attention given to her own life and issues. As the sibling without kids (i was that for a while) it can feel like you are wearing an invisibility cloak.

i remember sometimes my mum would call me just to tell me about my niece and then when i started to update her on my life she’d say she’d run out of time to chat and had to go

yoh are entitled to how you feel about it but I don’t think you need to worry she’s damaging your very young kids.

the two year old will be able to answer back soon enough. And it’s no bad thing they know adults that DONT think every posset and yoghurt kiss is the BEST THING EVER

in my experience under 10s are often introduced by relatives that are less kid oriented- it’s a change from the adoring dynamic that often dominates

Not sure why you did not get up, breast fed baby takes one arm, and take toothpaste off DS. I would have because it's wasteful and toothpaste is not exactly cheap. Why did SIL not retrieve toothpaste btw? Other than that what she says is true enough (posset down your back is lovely!) and is more likely an attempt to prove to herself that she does not want children. I'd ask her if she was ok, as she does not have to justify her choice to you.

Those saying the OP is BU and should be kind have spent approx. 60 seconds reading the first post and replied. But it isn't 60 seconds for the OP. If SIL makes several of those comments every time OP sees her something is going to crack.

OP I agree with a couple of PPs that you shouldn't try to second guess why she's doing it but respond honestly and lightheartedly.

• Oh it's all part of life's rich pattern.
• Yes I know but I love him anyway.
• You have to take the rough with the smooth.

It will all be in your tone. If you gush and sound so sickly sweet and earnest that you might have swallowed the sugar bowl you can be accused of being cruel. If it's a lighthearted 'that's how it is when you have kids' sounding like you take it all in your stride then that's just you putting across your own perceptions of having children.

I can’t have kids and if for instance my best friend’s baby was sick on her I’d say something like “the joy’s of parenthood hey” not to be nasty but to make my friend feel not alone in her thoughts that motherhood isn’t all glam?

As an aside, try to have some empathy - thankfully you’ll never know the pain and loneliness of not ever having kids when you want them and everyone around you is.

She’s jealous of you and desperate to have a baby.

I agree with this^ Her comments were bitchy, rude and unnecessary.
She could just ignore your difficulties but she was trying very hard to poison the joy of parenting for you.
I would challenge her next time by saying : Well it’s just a minor part. I’m enjoying having my children in my life and don’t have any regrets. (or anything along these lines)

And please don’t lecture me about societal pressures on childless women and difficult emotions coming with infertility. I spent 8 years running around from clinic to clinic when things were much more worse then today, pretending that I was ok not having children and didn’t care etc but I never did such rude comments towards my friends and relatives with children.

I'm the queen of being offended but it really doesn't sound like she's meaning to be horrible.

Sounds like she's trying to focus on the positives of not having children either because she genuinely doesn't want them or because she's a bit upset.

My dc are older now and I often say things like "I'm glad mine aren't little anymore".

I think you’re overreacting. Your children are the most important, precious thing in the world - to you. She doesn’t have to love the concept of being a parent in the same way that you experience it. I wouldn’t want some child’s yoghurty hands all over me!

It’s pretty hard to not pass any comment when someone has been ‘battling for 2 hours’ with their kid. Particularly when the parent just excuses it as excitement rather than accepting they have no control over the feral little beast

You're being ridiculously oversensitive.

She's not criticizing your children or you - she's commenting on how tough parenting looks and how she doesn't think it's for her. And it is tough... and messy and exhausting and time consuming and something that inevitably seems to require at least 3 go-go-gadget arms.

Reframe it in your mind as her being amazed at how much you do as a mum.

Not wanting children would normally equal indifference.
She probably is just trying to make amusing conversations.

Sorry if I missed it but did she try and have children?

My friend has children and would probably say most of these herself. I've definitely heard her complaining about the kids not going to sleep or making a mess. In fact when the clocks went back I posted that it was great to have an extra hour in bed and wished her luck with the kids, she thought it was funny.

Although if someone said something about her being a mummy and being her kid's world, she'd probably start laughing. I'm guessing I'm lucky that my friend doesn't make being a mother her entire identity and can say that it's not all amazing and perfect.

You don't actually know that. The OP could be going on about her kids constantly.

So she's not allowed to talk about her children when visiting family?

You sound very precious, OP.

She isn't wrong, and I say this as a mother, there's nothing offensive in what she's saying. If you'd rather her not say these things in front of your kids then ask her and explain they are now at an age when they understand (or misunderstand, as they're not grown up enough to contextualise yet) and you don't want them to be upset for no reason.

I think she's trying to express sympathy to parenting hardships, albeit it might be a tad clumsy, but not malicious. She may also be sad deep inside or jealous and it's a cover up. Either way, you're being totally childish and ridiculous in your last comment when you suggested making comments about her life.

Get it straight in your head, nobody will love your kids, enjoy them, tolerate their challenges or put up with various hardships or inconveniences in life resulting from parenting them like you do, and nobody should be expected to. Your SIL won't understand your relationship with your kids and YABVU in expecting her to do so, especially if she isn't a mother herself.

Literally nothing she has said is offensive to you or your children.

I love my boys dearly but yeah, I prefer a cuddle when they've got clean hands to when they're covered in yoghurt. I prefer the nights bedtime runs smoothly to the rougher, toddler defiant ones. I sometimes like being able to have a chat with another adult and not be interrupted numerous times and cleaning up regurgitated milk is far from my favourite bit of parenting.

Shes either coming to terms with not having children while, deep down, still wanting them. Or she's blissfully happy at not having them now and just vocalising in a way you seem to find offensive.

Also, your children really are not going to be offended by overhearing the examples you've given.

@PurpleOrchid42 OP hasn't been asking her SIL to understand her relationship with her children or "put up with hardships and inconveniences". She's simply wanting SIL to keep her unpleasant opinions about OP's children to herself and not say unpleasant things disparaging parenting as a waste of time. Particularly within earshot of the children the oldest of whom is at an age where he could well understand some of her spiteful comments that repeatedly express that she believes him to be an inconvenience and waste of adults' time.

That's fine. She is completely in the right to feel that way if she wants to, or even if she is doing it to cover up that she would really like kids. The issue is that instead of thinking it she lets OP know at every opportunity.

I dont see any issues with what shes said!