To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

I never had any career aspirations. Never wanted to be anything. I just wanted to have a family. I left school
and worked in admin roles.

I married and had my first at 22, there was no way I was leaving him. I’ve had two more over the last 21 years, my youngest is 3 (I am 43).

I’m happy. But my God, it’s annoyed the hell out of other people over the years. Why didn’t I want a career? Why have I wasted my life? And now …. what about your pension?

No thought to how I want to live or if I am happy with my life, just outrage that I haven’t done what they think I should have.

I liked the thought of being a sahm, swapping the non stop rat race of commuting and dickhead bosses for a relaxing time at home being the perfect earth mother pureeing veggies and jogging through the park with other yummy mummies.
Not for me in the end, I was back work at 8 months. My dickhead boss decided he was so desperate for me to come back that I could bring the baby in to work and choose my hours. The novelty of being at home wore off quite quickly for me and working suited me more.

Go back part time? Ti answer your question, I wanted to be with my dcs plus I have 4. Not good for my mental health but dont regret it

Could you send him to nursery a couple of times a week?

@Hjjo it's okay not to continue being a SAHM if it's not working for you. My eldest is in College & youngest is a toddler (and a few in between) I've done SAHM, Working FT mum, several versions of part time and I think for most part time is the best mix. Most, not all. I found the magic number of working hours for me was around 18 hours - either 2 longer days or 3 slightly shorter days. It got what I needed my dc can't provide but wasn't so much I was just rushing through doing chores on my day off which is what happens when I am only off Fridays.

For some people they love the daily meet ups and groups. I hated them but did try to do some social based things for my dc when they were young - for example we did a weekly swimming class and a little gym class. I found an activity to focus on rather than nattering, was a better fit for me. For others it's different and that's okay. There's no one way to be. I have a friend who is a SAHM with a 5 and 1 year old and her 1 year old goes to 2 days/week nursery. For her that gives her the break she needs to be able to enjoy the other three days.

If this isn't working for you, change things. It's really okay to do that. You will have to do it lots of times as a parent. Parenthood is often really different to our expectations.

I don't know why you keep saying challenging because so far all you've done is twist my words put words in my mouth and basically say my opinion of raising kids is it good enough because it's not your version.

Now who's putting words in my mouth??
I've not said that at all.

Yes there are different ways of raising children but that not what you seemed you imply.
You said you wanted to be a SAHP because you didn't want someone else raising your child. I simply pointed out that working parents are still raising their children.

ElaineMBenes

Yep yep you're right 110% I'm absolutely wrong have lovely day bye-bye

No you're just like twisting peoples words but hey what are you gonna need to do to make yourself feel better about whatever is going on in your life I don't want to want to stop you.

Also, just because someone disagrees with you or calls out insulting, judgemental comments doesn't mean they are twisting your words or are unhappy with their choices. That's such a lazy argument.

Haha I've not seen someone flounce in a while!

ElaineMBenes

Ok lol

I just really didn't want strangers looking after my baby. Especially when there can be such high staff turnover in nurseries. I've been at home for 5 years now, and 2 babies. When this one turns 3 she'll start preschool, and once's she's up to a couple of days there, I'll start easing back into work. I can't wait to work TBH. My head is getting done in, and I just need a life of my own.

OP I had the same with my first. It's a huge life change. What helped was eventually having my child at nursery for some time. With my second I'm taking it so so much better, so am convinced I had anxiety with my first. I definitely felt some of the things you've described - could be a bit of PNA?

Like others have said you have options to work / get childcare. You could also contact a charity to support you like Home Start, might be helpful.

I know.

Either pp is doing some backtracking or despite the fact that she keeps on saying raising, she more means that she wants to be the one doing all of the looking after/childcare.

Because I'm an antisocial bugger. I've been in charge of a business, and it was great, but I don't like being an employee, which is what I am now.

I am developing my side hustle stuff on mat leave with the intention of being a SAHM with him in nursery three days. Gives me plenty of alone time, money making time, and makes others tolerable in small doses.

It’s absolutely fine not to want to be a SAHM if it doesn’t work for you. There is a reason 1950s housewives were on anti-depressants and women fought for the right to be freed from the home and for equality in the workplace.

In answer to your question, though, a lot of the SAHMs I know who really enjoy it are the ones who’ve experienced the alternative - which is being a working mum. And, depending on what you do for work, it can be very, very hard. I’m not trying to put you off if it’s what you want. But having done both myself, I can tell you that my experience was that being a SAHM was a piece of piss, and balancing working with parenting is no joke.

OMG @PhillMichellsbrother this could be me!!! I left school at 16 and had no career plans and did admin roles until I married at 25 and became a SAMH - we had our first child 9 months after we married and had 4 children in all. Fortunately my DH was a high earner so never had to worry about a second income which I get is the lot for a lot of families. I loved being a SAHM but as you say

But my God, it’s annoyed the hell out of other people over the years. Why didn’t I want a career? Why have I wasted my life? And now …. what about your pension?

The number of times I've been asked 'but what do you do?" and I've replied that I'm and SAHM and then I get "Yes, but what do YOU DO!" also being constantly asked when I'm going back to work. One good thing with growing older (I'm 58 and DH is 71) and the children flying the nest is that I no longer get those constant questions, so there is light at the end of the tunnel, but being questioned about when I was going to go back to work was the bane of my life when the children were younger. The problem was that I knew a lot of mum's who were mum's of the children's friends and from school and nursery and through DH's work colleagues and most of them went back to work in some capacity and there weren't many mothers like me who were full time apart from a lovely Irish lady who became my best friend! 😀

Op small children develop so fast but it seems so slow when you are in the thick of it.. Can you balance it out work and stay at home, part time?.

I do all of these things, as does DH. While both working FT.

OP, being a SAHP suits hardly anyone of either sex. It’s a very new, very culture-specific idea, and certainly not any kind of norm, or anything you are supposed to want. Go back to work and enjoy parenthood. Being this bored would wreck anyone’s head.

I just think having kids is the best adventure in life. I liked spending lots of time with them and caring for them. I have a chronic illness that didn't and to some extent still doesn't slow me down too much as a younger mid -adult but will bite with less time to spare than most, so knowing that in advance, means I've been quite laser focused on things that were meaningful. So, I've been on and off, although mostly on with sahm-ing for the last 15 years.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about what other people think of how our family rolls - so I'm Teflon coated for judgy opinions.

I was a sahm for a long time and I mostly loved it, but I was in a very lucky position. I live in a city with lots of things going on for mums/ kids and I met loads of interesting, friendly mums, many of whom became good friends. I was out every day doing a different activity. I had a very supportive husband and a career I could step back into when I wanted. My job has been focused on child development and education, and so being with kids completely aligned with my interests. I suspect if just one of those things had been different, staying at home would have done my head in.

Being a sahm is not for everyone. In fact, I suspect it's not for most people. It can be difficult and boring. Having the right environment around you (friends, activities, easy transport so you're not isolated, supportive family etc) really helps. I think you should do whatever you need to do to feel ok. Absolutely no point carrying on as a full time sahm if you hate it. Going part time could be a good solution.

I do all of these things, as does DH. While both working FT.

Us too.
Plus we've never missed an assembly, play, carol concert etc.

Sorry, but your comment (whether by design or accident) was goady and tactless. If you say you wanted to remain at home to "raise your children" you must have known that this comment very clearly implies that parents who work don't raise their children. @ElaineMBenes and others pointing this out doesn't make them bitter.

I couldn't give a tinker's cuss whether people work or stay at home and I freely support the right of women who don't want to work not to have to do so. But as someone who literally has no choice but to work (because if I didn't work my child would starve) I do find it offensive when people tip up out of the blue and suggest I'm not "raising my child" (or that I'm "outsourcing" or "farming out" my child. I'm raising my child in every conceivable meaning of the word, from breadwinning to emotional support to education to entertainment. I've done it on my own without any support and I've done it well and happily, thanks very much.

I am very far from being bitter: I've loved it and wouldn't change it for the world but I'm damned if I will be told by strangers that I'm not raising my child.

But can’t you appreciate that doing all of that without working would be a much more chill life? You clearly have the desire to work, me too, but many people would rather not. So… different strokes for different folks isn’t it??

I didn't miss first steps or first word either which usually gets thrown about too. He just took his first steps over Christmas 😊.

Want to teach my child our values, our traditions, make memories, keep a strong attachment, no separation trauma.

I have a friend who works in a boys’ school and she says she can tell the ones with non-working mums a mile off (and especially non-working mums with older fathers), in terms of the values they hold.

I won’t tell you what those values are, but apparently they’re strong and clear in teenage boys.