To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

But can’t you appreciate that doing all of that without working would be a much more chill life? You clearly have the desire to work, me too, but many people would rather not. So… different strokes for different folks isn’t it??

Of course! I don't think I've said I think people should work have I?
And yes, of course it's less hectic if you don't work but I enjoy our family set up. I appreciate it would someone else's idea of hell though.

I was simply agreeing with another poster who said it's possible to do the things a previous poster mentioned.

You could make a cracking butty with all the chips sat on the shoulders of posters on this thread. 🍟🍟🍟

I'm a SHAM, I love it (mostly) but we are very rarely in the house. We go to playgroups/softplay/classes/play dates. We have plans morning and afternoon most days of the week. I was very conscious that I could end up quite lonely and my daughter quite socially awkward because she wasn't going to nursery until later than others. Neither is the case luckily! Do not feel bad for whatever you decide to do!! It helps we're in a city, a lot of my friends who live in other places only have access to groups once a week or can't afford to go to many which obviously makes it a lot harder. Being a SHAM can be hard, being a working mum can be hard, so whatever you feel is best for you xx

Dd was obviously "not right" she was diagnosed autistic at 2

I didn't miss first steps or first word either which usually gets thrown about too. He just took his first steps over Christmas 😊.

DS said his first word at grandmas when she had him for one hour!!!! 😂😂😂😂

His first steps were over Christmas too, little bugger just got up and ran across the room 😂

😂

That's a good point though, you can walk to a different room and miss a first step or a first word.

DS is a traitor. He's all dada dada dada. 🙃😅

I only ever wanted to be a SAHM but worked 20 years before I met my husband! But as soon as I was expectant, I stopped work and have never looked back. Love every moment with my child and have been with her for every wonderful milestone. We do everything together and I now have time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for. My life is very fulfilled now.

Mine are older now (16 and 23) but when they were younger I felt all that guilt too. I actually don’t mind my job but haven’t always felt I was giving it 100% plus feeling like a nuisance asking for days off for sports days, school plays etc. Then on the flip side feeling guilty because I wasn’t home when they got home from school!

Just go back to work OP. Even if it's only part time, it will give you the energy to enjoy spending the rest of your week with your dc.

I thought I would love being a SAHM - I'm a real introvert, love being at home, LOVE babies and toddlers and hated my job. After about 9 months I started to feel a bit low. Then I had my second and I found myself crying a lot and having these thoughts about just getting up and walking off. It wasn't the dcs - I loved them and I loved being a mum. I went back to work when the dcs were 1 and 3. Best thing for all of us and I massively regret not putting the eldest in nursery much sooner because he really needed more socialisation that 1 hour at the church playgroup could provide.

As I see it, until food, shelter, clothing etc are magically free, everyone who is physically and psychologically able to work should work. (Barring special circumstances such as caring responsibilities which won’t allow it etc).

The narrative that working FT while being a parent is simply too stressful/ expensive/ only possible with significant grandparental childcare that is too often peddled like a gospel truth on here simply isn’t true.

So many Mners gave up work because they had lazy, sexist partners who took for granted that childcare was a female project. Understandably, that felt impossible to them, but that’s not because of anything incompatible in parenthood and a career.

It worries me that Mners, who include an unusually high proportion of isolated, socially anxious or withdrawn people, who have few or no relationships outside their immediate household, are imbibing the patriarchal norm that women’s work becomes weirdly optional once they have a child, or that it’s terrible that mothers ‘have to work’, particularly because they’re not in contact with people for whom working mothers are just ordinary.

It's amazing how many posters I've seen on MN who think that women owe society their labour when they are sahm's. I wonder if they are as exercised about people retiring early, those who emigrate, lottery winners, etc?

In what way are those instances comparable?

That's not something I've noticed.
I think people do express concern about women making themselves financially vulnerable by giving up work.

Well that’s quite the Fairy Story you’ve conjured up there!

Why should everyone work if they don’t have to? I fully support the right of anyone to choose to work when they have DC, but surely that works both ways?

As stated upthread, I haven’t worked since having my first, and am now pregnant with my fourth. I consider my work (and it is work) being a SAHP to be of significant value. I would say the same of any nursery worker. I have a wonderful DH, a passive income of my own, and plenty of friends and relationships to maintain.

It really is staggering how some people really can’t understand that others have different needs/likes/lifestyles that make them happy.

As I see it, until food, shelter, clothing etc are magically free, everyone who is physically and psychologically able to work should work

It's the word should, like it's a moral imperative to work for the greater good. In fact, specifically you say - until everything is free - everybody is obligated to work - like the abridged version of the communist manifesto. You don't see this shit rolled out in any other circumstances on MN, except where women have divided to stay at home. Unless you are dolling out this declaration under many names - it seems to be coming up more and more on these threads.

@BingoWings85 I would agree with this, we had 2 daughters and 2 sons, all private school educated and our 2 sons definitely needed me more when they were teenagers (and that's still the case for the youngest whose 22 and still at home having given up on Uni) whereas our two daughters were far more independent and resourceful and it probably wouldn't have bothered them if I'd worked or not! Our oldest son is 32 now, married, first GC and has a landscaping business and is very much like his dad (though they clashed when he was a teenager) but those values of being good citizens, of hard work, honesty and perseverance have come through and I'm sure they will do with the youngest too once he finds his feet!!

@HappyBusman

It worries me that Mners, who include an unusually high proportion of isolated, socially anxious or withdrawn people, who have few or no relationships outside their immediate household, are imbibing the patriarchal norm that women’s work becomes weirdly optional once they have a child, or that it’s terrible that mothers ‘have to work’, particularly because they’re not in contact with people for whom working mothers are just ordinary.

I totally agree with this.

I don't care whether people work or not, each to their own. But (and I may get shot for this but here goes) I do think there's a correlation between the epidemic of people with social anxiety/chronic introversion and women who have chosen to give up work when their kids were young and then drifted into a life which, beyond a certain point, becomes fairly aimless.

I can totally understand why people would stay at home when their kids are very small: that makes a lot of sense. But turning yourself into a career housewife/carer narrows your world and horizons and breeds anxiety and fear about venturing out beyond the bounds of the immediate family. I saw it happen to my mum, who never went back to work and spiralled into a smaller and smaller world and never regained any real purpose to her life. She became bizarrely fixated with what other people thought about her and said about her.

All these posts about hating being around other people, the bizarre dread of the "school gate mum", the militant introvertism ("it's too peopley out there" etc) the loathing of work and all these other neuroses which so many people on these boards seem to have worry me a lot. I think it's really unhealthy. I can't help thinking that, leaving neurodiversity and mental illness aside, a lot of this is curable by just getting people into circulation with other ordinary people. Stewing and obsessing over what other people think etc is a luxury which people who work can't really afford to have because they just have to crack on with things.

Work is not the be all and end all and it should never take over people's lives to the exclusion of their families but working grounds you in a world outside that of your children and husband, keeps your social skills and your awareness of the wider world up to date and gives you a frame of reference. Lose that at your peril.

I couldn't agree more.

I also grew up with a SAHM and it's a reason why I would never make the choice to be one.

What a shame you're not enjoying your precious baby. These are the best of times! You are the in a very privileged position. One year olds are so entertaining. What did you do at work that is so exhilarating? Most jobs are repetitive too.

I think there's a fair bit of observation bias in deciding who is doing what and how it was that they became that way. That's up to you. I think it's a bit sad that some people need to work to build confidence, friendships and feelings of value, let alone know how to spend their time, when we are on the cusp of an ai revolution.

I think you can argue it the other way and say that children need their parents and a parent being there for them 24/7 whilst they grow up is very, very important be it the father or the mother. One of the reasons for the current issues in society I believe is that too many children are left to their own devices and they get influenced by 'friends' and social media and drawn into gangs, drugs and antisocial behaviour because parents are working all hours or just don't care about them. As I said in my last post our two boys needed me more when they were teenagers than when they'd been younger.

The narrative that working FT while being a parent is simply too stressful/ expensive/ only possible with significant grandparental childcare that is too often peddled like a gospel truth on here simply isn’t true.

Working FT with young children is possible but it has to be accepted that the stress, the expense and doing it without any wider family support is certainly not easy. It might mean that you are mostly working just to pay for childcare. Also many employers are understanding about the endless rounds of illness that kids can go through at nursery, not everyone can WFH while caring for a sick child and it is very difficult to be a good parent and a good employee.

Mainly DS had SEN and no one could handle him but me. He screamed all day long, refused to eat, needed to be rushed to hospital all the time. I worried that if anyone who loved him less cared for him, he might end up being mistreated or neglected because he was such hard work.

Like you I felt that Groundhog Day boredom. It was excruciating. But over time, I loved being with both DC, hanging out with them, teaching them things. I went back to work PT as soon as they started school and that kept me sane, kept my adult brain alive, but I never had the stress of having to sort out childcare.

Different people want different things. I returned to work very soon after all of my DC were born, primarily because I'm self employed and a single parent, but 5 years in I know that I am not cut out for SAHM status even if it were an option. I love my kids but I need my own time, my own space, my own purpose. And they need more than I can offer them

Why did your two boys need you more than their father?