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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

535 replies

Hjjo · 28/12/2023 14:31

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 31/12/2023 15:51

I was a SAhM out of necessity, my hospital shifts and his working away lots was never going to work. I got bored eventually, and felt guilty, but getting a PT job that I could juggle myself was the best thing I did.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 15:57

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

blueshoes · 31/12/2023 16:03

And none of mine even remember being at nursery, they know they went there and have seen the photos but have no recollection. Same as if I’d have given up my career and had days out and endless group activities.

Curious so I asked my 17 year old ds what he remembers of nursery which he attended mostly ft since 1 year old. He said only slivers, like on the last day he found out there was a workshop and was disappointed he did not have a chance to play there. He remembered the balloons in the garden of the nursery. I asked him if he remembered that when he was 4 I was at home with him full time for 6 months. He did not remember that or the activities I took him to. He does not remember the aupairs that looked after him.

I think he had a reasonably happy pre-school years between nursery and his aupair and parents. No trauma as far as I can see. Doubt I would be able to do a better job being a SAHM, not that I would have wanted to.

However, my working throughout my career means his uni fees will be paid for, he will graduate without student debt and have a healthy downpayment for his first property. He definitely will remember this and the independent education he got.

These are the long term decisions that dh and I make as parents, not just who provides care to them as pre-schoolers, though that is an important factor in the mix. It is a balancing act, no one way is the right way.

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 16:06

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 15:57

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home. In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 16:09

youngones1 · 31/12/2023 14:52

I don't accept that paying someone else to be the parent is as good as being the parent yourself. No-one knows the child better than the actual parent. Sorry I can't assuage your guilt.

Thankfully I’ve never had a guilt for our choices- happy, healthy and successful DC’s and parents.

Children don’t live at nursery, it’s only the working day. Parents still bring them up and make all the decisions about them.

ElaineMBenes · 31/12/2023 16:11

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 15:57

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

That would have meant one of us sacrificing our career. Typically that person is the woman due to the gender pay gap.
Therefore this would mean women being disproportionately underrepresented in the labour market and there being even more of a skills shortage in female dominated industries such as education and health.

Not to mention the fact that many families red two incomes just to make ends meet.

How does this works practically?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 16:13

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 15:57

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me.

A SAHM who doesn't want to be a SAHM isn't best for anyone.

HappyBusman · 31/12/2023 16:14

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 15:57

I think it's best for the child to have a SAHP at least until they go to preschool.

And best for me.

Then part time through primary school.

Strangely few fathers appear to get on board with the career sacrifices and economic dependence involved in this.

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 16:41

HappyBusman · 31/12/2023 16:14

Strangely few fathers appear to get on board with the career sacrifices and economic dependence involved in this.

Show quote history

Often the father ‘claims’ to have the important job which has no flexibility to cover nursery/school drop offs and collection or take time off to look after their DC’s when too ill to go to nursery or school.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:39

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:42

Strangely few fathers appear to get on board with the career sacrifices and economic dependence involved in this

Many fathers, like mothers, have jobs rather than careers.

Being a family involves economic dependence for all members. Its always been our money. I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't on the same page.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:43

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:39

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

My career would still be there but I wouldn't be at the same level, I'd lose my flexibility and it would be harder for me to get back to the same level as I was before because I work in a male dominated role and funnily enough, none of those men are lining up to sacrifice their career progession.

I'm also the higher earner.

ElaineMBenes · 31/12/2023 18:44

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

No they won't. There are many jobs where a significant career break would be detrimental.

And I say this as someone who researches this for a living!

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 18:45

@Jessiepaintyourpicture

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work. You do realise, though, many of us don’t have this choice? Job or career is immaterial. I have to work.

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:46

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

Like I said, it's only best for the child if a parent is happy to be a SAHP.

How is it best for the child if the SAHP is bored, miserable and unfulfilled?

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 18:48

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:44

It might be best for you but it wouldn't be best for me

I was answering the OP's initial question.

I think it's best for the child too.

Why does it always seem to be the mother who becomes the SAHP?

WithACatLikeTread · 31/12/2023 18:49

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:39

What happens to the careers of the parents if they take years out to stay at home.

Not everyone has a career. Most people have jobs. Either way, they'll be there when you're ready to go back. They really will.

In your case why didn’t you return to work and your DH stay at home?

DH earns more than me. I would have found it harder to leave DC.

If you have too much of an employment break it is much harder to get back into to. You don't just stroll back in. Also the lack of pension contributions!

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:50

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma

It's biology, isn't it?

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership.

And we all make choices including whether we want to make sacrifices for our children when they're very young.

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 18:55

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:50

Yes this is usually the case. Funny that the dad is never faced with this dilemma

It's biology, isn't it?

Thats all dandy if you are married to someone who does the financial heavy lifting who can pay you to stop work

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership.

And we all make choices including whether we want to make sacrifices for our children when they're very young.

A partnership to me means that we both contribute in all areas, including financially.

Why are only women expected to make 'sacrifices'?

WithACatLikeTread · 31/12/2023 18:58

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

Easy to say if you are sat at home living off your husband's money. 😉

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 18:58

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 18:53

Also the lack of pension contributions!

NIC are paid up to age 12 for youngest child.

If you can afford it, invest in a SIPP. If not, well, like I said - you choose whether to make some sacrifices.

NIC credits are paid until the child is 12 but that only goes against the state pension - £12k a year in retirement?

Jessiepaintyourpicture · 31/12/2023 19:05

NIC credits are paid until the child is 12 but that only goes against the state pension - £12k a year in retirement?

I'm not suggesting being a SAHP til retirement! Plenty of time to top up the pension later as I'm doing now.

A partnership to me means that we both contribute in all areas, including financially

Well, my DH valued my contribution staying home with DC. And now he values my financial contribution. It's been a long marriage, plenty of time to enjoy the different stages. Including being empty nesters now (sort of).

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2023 19:20

Like I said, it's family money so he wasn't paying me. What an odd way of looking at a partnership

I don’t have “family money”. I’m a single parent. Any money coming into my household is earned by me.

Its biology isn’t it?

Is it? Does biology dictate that a man has to have a job he can’t give up? Walk me through that.

Also as a PP noted: why is it only women who are required to make these “sacrifices”? And what about the women who can’t make these sacrifices because their kids wouldn’t eat? Are they bad parents?

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