To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

In an ideal world, it would be possible to have a proper free choice about whether to be a SAH or a WOH mother.

In an ideal world, it wouldn't be a choice only aimed at mothers because fathers would be expected to consider it too.

In an ideal world the choice wouldn’t only apply to the mother. Breadwinning and childcare would be equally shared between both parents as opposed to becoming a specialism where one parent becomes entirely dependent on the other’s goodwill for their financial security.

Damn. I meant parent. I must have some sort of misogynist auto correct going on in my head.....

Am always amazed at how many women give up work and the men have the jobs. Equality still has a long way to go .

And what about the women who can’t make these sacrifices because their kids wouldn’t eat? Are they bad parents?

I don't know if someone is a bad parent or not.

I'm happy with the choice my husband and I made for our family. Hence I'm not sniping back at anyone who's sniped at me.

Happy New Year.

Yep. Definitely a long way to go.

@Jessiepaintyourpicture

I'm happy with the choice my husband and I made for our family. Hence I'm not sniping back at anyone who's sniped at me.

I’m glad you are happy with your choice and I am not sniping at anyone. I am asking genuinely what you expect single parents to do?

People are very quick to suggest that there’s an ethical obligation not to work if you can afford not to. But where does that leave people who have to work?

Because the implication of what you have said is that single parents are morally inferior and their kids will have worse outcomes than those who have a husband/provider.

As a single parent who has worked her arse off and made a huge amount of sacrifices for my kid and who has been there for her wherever I can, it really pisses me off to have people with the luxury of not having to work looking down on me. I’m as certain that I can be that I have done everything I can for my child and I won’t be judged by anyone.

I don't think many mums would be happy to go to work with their husband looking after the children.

Why?
I'd have been delighted! I'm gutted that we missed out on shared parental leave by 6 months.

@youngones1 yes I agree, mother's have a far greater empathy and understanding of children than fathers especially when children are under 5. Not so bad as they get older but young children need their mothers.

If that’s the case then they have a husband problem.

yes I agree, mother's have a far greater empathy and understanding of children than fathers especially when children are under 5. Not so bad as they get older but young children need their mothers.

What a load of rubbish.

If dad's are equal parents from day one then there is no difference in the amount of empathy they feel towards their children or their ability to parent.

Other than breastfeeding there is nothing a dad can't do.

I think mums generally have a more caring nature than dads, although there are exceptions.

What a lazy stereotype 🙄

Not if they parent equally. DH fed bottles with as much care as I did, changed millions of disgusting nappies, sat up through the night with them when they were sick, cuddled them when they were upset, put them to bed as many times as I did. He put as much energy into choosing their nursery and school, collected DD in the middle of the night when her taxi hadn’t come after a night out. DH would be the first to say he’s nothing special - just someone trying to be a good parent.

That’s just sexist. Just because your husband was like that, it doesn’t mean all men are.

My husband has just as much empathy and understanding as I do but then we both parent equally too.

It's the same few people on these threads every time with the same depressing insecurity. Come on, you've been at it for years. It's 2024.

I'll say it again... if that genuinely is true (as opposed to that dads have never been asked to "care"), then you have a problem with the men in your life.

If the father of your child can't bestir himself to do any caring for his children there ain't nothing biological about that. It's entitlement, sexism and learned helplessness (fuelled by generations of people telling him its OK because its biological).

Exactly.

Well said.

Why is sexist to day their are differences between the sexes as @youngones1 has said? In my experience mothers are better care providers for children especially when the are young (and maybe young adult too!). I bet at the nurseries you love so much 99% of staff are female and don't say its to do with pay as I bet the managers are too. Of course not all men are the same and there are exceptions but general that is the case.

How isn't it sexist?

Most nursery staff are female not because men aren't capable of doing it (My son's nursery manager is male, as is his keyworker) but because men are taught from a very young age that they are providers, not carers and women are taught the opposite. It's part of the sexist society we live in.

In my experience, when fathers are equally involved with their child, they are just as capable as mothers. Of course if a mother becomes a SAHM and does 99% of the childcare, she will be better at it. It's a reason why I'd never be a SAHM, it encourages inequality in parenting.

I didn't want to, I just sort of fell into it as logistically it made sense since my husband was a workaholic, and like you it felt somewhat "bad" to go back to work when I didn't have to, considering most families can't afford to have a SAHM.

I hated most of the early years but I held on in there and I must say in the long run I'm glad I did. Children really do benefit there's no question (though of course I would never say this IRL as it's a sensitive minefield). I would say make sure to keep a foot in the door career/skills wise. I did post graduate study throughout and a small bit of freelance work to keep my brain ticking over.

My DC are thriving socially and are both top of their class academically, and while of course this is possible when parents work (especially with two hands-on parents and a good balance/family support) I know in our case it would have been much less likely had they been in full time childcare. I would have borne the brunt of the children and domestic chores in b top of work which would have made me a frazzled mess and things would have slipped. They are both at school and I'm back at work part time and despite my initial resistance to SAH parenting, it's probably been the best investment I've ever made if I'm honest.

Analyse your scenario/finances/relationship/coping mechanisms and think long term for you and them.

Why is sexist to day their are differences between the sexes as @youngones1 has said? In my experience mothers are better care providers for children especially when the are young (and maybe young adult too!). I bet at the nurseries you love so much 99% of staff are female and don't say its to do with pay as I bet the managers are too. Of course not all men are the same and there are exceptions but general that is the case.

Because these differences are due to sexist stereotypes and societal expectations around gender roles.
There is no evidence that women are genetically better care providers ( once you remove breastfeeding).

As for childcare being female dominated. I hate to break it to you that that has absolutely nothing to do with biology. Career choices are not driven by biology. However, they are heavily influenced by society, stereotypes and expectations around gender roles in society.
Also, have you ever read the threads on male nursery nurses??! They're vile and it's those attitudes that contribute to men not choosing it as a career.

And you dismiss pay as contributing factor but society expects men to be the provider so they do tend to be influenced by pay when making career choices. Whereas women are more likely to look for flexibility.... even if they don't have children!

@Char65

Why is sexist to day their are differences between the sexes as @youngones1has said? In my experience mothers are better care providers for children especially when the are young (and maybe young adult too!). I bet at the nurseries you love so much 99% of staff are female and don't say its to do with pay as I bet the managers are too. Of course not all men are the same and there are exceptions but general that is the case

Of course there are biological differences between the sexes. But those differences don't extend to the capability of a man or woman to love and care for a small infant. There is no scientific evidence whatsoever that men are less evolved to care for children than women (outside of very specific things like breastfeeding). If they don't do it as well its because they don't want to and they've never had to.

You're confusing biological difference with learned behaviour: for millennia men have not been expected to be the primary caregivers so skills supportive of this have neither been taught to them nor expected of them in general. Men who do want to be primary caregivers are more than up to this task and those who choose to do this do it well.

But a large swathe of the male population uses "biological differences" as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse themselves from the frankly exhausting, boring and relentless business of caring for small children because its frankly pretty shit and they have been allowed to get out of it so if it ain't broke why fix it?

Then chuck in the "important man job" which of course they can't leave for a second because they might offroad their careers and you have the perfect recipe for this rhetoric about "biological differences".

Plenty of people choose to organise their families in this way and that's fine if people want to do it like this (as long as both partners are happy and the woman isn't left up shit creek financially by not working) but please don't pretend it has anything to do with biology.