To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

I think you need to step up and take responsibility for taking care of your child, as you don't need to work. If you give it 110% you might find your really enjoy it, and it is will be so much better for your child. Not all staff working in child care are great, some are mediocre at best.

How patronising!

If she chooses to work she is still taking care of her child. Being a SAHP isn't for everyone no matter how much effort you put in. And that's okay.

There are also excellent childcare providers and staff out there.

What if she doesn't enjoy it? A child can sense a parent's mood and resentment. Maybe the dad could give up his job instead?

I get that for most parents two incomes are essential so there is Hobsons Choice in regard to childcare. I myself was in a very fortunate position as I was married to a very high earner (now retired) who supported me and the children and I loved being a SAMH. We also had au pairs and help with domestic stuff but as other posters have said I think the mother (and father) are in the most part always going to be the best people to bring up their child as parents, in the most part, love this children whereas paid professionals for all their competence don’t. You can see in @ToddlerMama27 post the love she has for her 2 year old son but that’s not to say children of working parents are any worse or better brought up. Its funny as this is a big debate in our house right now as we have our first GC – 7 weeks old and our DiL is going back to work in the New Year 3 days on reduced hours. I did ‘volunteer’ to look after GD but over-committed and now it’ll only be one day so 2 days she will be in a nursery but I don’t think DiL should do it and think GD is far too young to be left but that’s just me, anyway Happy New Year everyone.

@ElaineMBenes

The biggest influence on a child's future outcomes is poverty. Living in poverty will have a much greater negative impact on a child.

Exactly. Poverty or affluence is a far greater swing factor on a child’s outcomes than whether or not its mother works. Studies consistently show this.

Which is why making women who have to work to give their children a chance at a better outcome feel they are failing them by doing so is ill informed, toxic nonsense.

Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you love or care for your DC’s more than working parents. Financially neither DH or I need to work but have chosen to progress our careers - they interest us and we both went through years of study. Neither of the DT’s have children yet but I hope they continue with the interesting careers they both have.

Working parents do bring up their children though. Financially providing is an important part of raising children for a start but nursery workers, childminders, nannies etc care for children during working hours. They don't provide for them financially, they don't think about their future, as you said they don't love them in the same way that a parent does and they don't hold them in the night when they are ill because they don't raise them.

Be careful with the ''debate'' regarding your DIL and her baby, that happened but with my own mother as I went back to work when DS was 12 weeks and declined her looking after DS so he went to nursery and that ''debate'' changed our relationship forever.

Thankfully it’s no longer the 1950’s are both parents can have successful careers and raise their children.

Yanbu op. I have a 13mo too and it's just relentless! My dd is started to walk so you have to tail her all the time. And then she is sooo clingy. I am sick of it. Utterly sick of it. I hated the baby stage too with my older dc. I am enjoying him so much now that he's older and I realised It's the baby stage that I absolutely despise and loathe. I'm a sahm and enjoy it and I wouldn't want to change it but that's more for my older dc. I did consider putting my dd in nursery but a bit older. Go back to work if it would make you happier. A happier mum makes a happier baby.
We have decided to hire a nanny to take over a few hours a day. Good for everyone else who enjoys having a Velcro baby, it's not for me so we have done what's best for both of us.

Be careful with the ''debate'' regarding your DIL and her baby, that happened but with my own mother as I went back to work when DS was 12 weeks and declined her looking after DS so he went to nursery and that ''debate'' changed our relationship forever.

So true. My step mum frequently talks about how amazing her son's wives are for giving up work and how amazing her son's are for earning enough to facilitate this.

She can't seem to comprehend that I work because I want to not because we can't afford for me to give up work. I also get criticised for going on international work trips, funny how she never criticises my DH for doing the same.

It means I don't particularly like her.

That's exactly the same with my mother. My sister is a SAHM and she is always talking about what a good mother she is and how hard her husband works 'to provide'. She's never called me a good mother or complimented me about how hard I work to provide.

She doesn't like it when I call out her sexism. She claims that she's 'just traditional', like it isn't the same thing. 🙄

I don't accept that paying someone else to be the parent is as good as being the parent yourself. No-one knows the child better than the actual parent. Sorry I can't assuage your guilt.

Since when is using childcare 'paying someone to be a parent'?
It isn't........

Who feels any guilt? I certainly don't. We made decisions that were right for our family. DS is nearly 10 and still talks fondly of his 'first school' and is still friends with many of the children he met there. He's a confident, happy boy - I can't ask for more than that.

Maybe try being less judgmental?

Caregiving isn't the same as parenting.

I have siblings 15 and 18 years younger than me, and 41 cousins I grew up with, most of whom were much younger than me. When I had my own children I knew exactly how to take care of them so that side of things wasn't stressful. Feeding, changing, cleaning, playing with, that's the stuff nursery/nanny/childminders do. I didn't parent my little siblings, I just helped with the caregiving. I could give my little siblings back to my parents when they got too difficult; they couldn't just walk away.

But the parenting was stressful and difficult. Making the decisions, being responsible for how my children turn out, making sure they have everything they need - that is the stuff that parents don't outsource when they work outside of the home. A childminder doesn't get to make the important decisions about their mindees. They'll follow the instructions given to them by the parents. Parents don't stop being parents when they're out at work.

Of course working parents love their child equally and part time working parents.
But there is a difference in being there to care for your child as many hours as you can? Being there for as many days and hours as you can as they grow and develop surley counts for something?

I agree with young that not all care in a nursery is that great.

And some is absolutely outstanding! It's disingenuous to suggest that using a nursery automatically means poor quality childcare.

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children. You can't say that someone is a better parent just because they spend more hours at home with them. What if that time isn't spent interacting with the child? That's too simplistic an argument.

Parenting is far more nuanced.

"not all care in a nursery"..

It's disingenuous to change my words. Also it's something you wouldn't ever know unless you have the nursery with cameras and /or someone who works there

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children?..

Challenging your frankly ridiculous comments doesn't mean that someone feels guilty.

Nursery care for my child, they don't parent him.

Do teachers parent children too or just nursery workers/childminders?

Parenting is far more than physical time spent with your children.

Exactly. Which is why it's incredibly short sighted when people say that working parents don't raise their children.

Parenting a child and raising them is about much more than physical time spent with them.

Unfortunately people don't know what they don't know.

The nursery we used did have cameras and many of the staff working there live locally so have become friends over the years.
Therefore I'm very confused in the quality of care that my son received.

And yes, parenting is so much more than the physical hours spent at home. My job as a parent isn't to be next to my son 24/7. It involves providing a home, food, clothes and a wide range of opportunities for him. It involves making decisions on childcare, education and extra curricular activities.
It involves creating a home environment where everyone's needs are met, including the parents.

• confident not confused

My son's keyworker babysits for us occasionally and has become an extended family member. Nothing but good things to say about nursery.

I go by my son's behaviour too. He always reacts positively on drop offs, all smiles and waves.

I go by my son's behaviour too. He always reacts positively on drop offs, all smiles and waves.

DS was the same. He still talks about the turkey curry they used to make him 😂 I've never been able to get it quite right!!

He occasionally asks to walk home past the nursery so he can chat to the staff. Most of them are still there which is a sign of good nursery.

That's lovely. Definitely a sign of a good nursery as you say too.

DS's nursery is the same. Most have been there for years, including his keyworker.