Ex Wife Boundaries

[2ChildDad]

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

@Illpickthatup I suppose we’ll have to disagree on that one. IMHO if you’re doing 50:50 and presumably telling the kids they have 2 equal homes then it’s a lot to expect them to understand why collecting a forgotten item is so complex.

If I left my gloves at home I’d go back for them. I would not message to check if I had access today. Why impose that on your kids?

If daytime dates are that important do them in school hours, sounds like they’re of an age when a date after 7pm would mean they were in bed at mum’s so there’s lots of opportunity.

Not sure how they are tbf but, providing they are old enough to be responsible and not loose the key, for situations like this?

It must be stressful to have two homes. However organised you are, you will forget something somewhere.

Nope, pre-teens. 10 and 9.

Suffer! Suffer for not having access to a third pair of trainers! That is not suffering! Ffs. Do you understand that there are dc that actually suffer and it isn't for not having access to their third pair of trainers!

These threads whenever there is an ex husband and dc are just hyperbolic crap.

OP you would have been better off posting on reddit with things that involve exwifes and dc and dating again. You will never get a balanced opinion from MN.

Of course, the bitter EW’s club won’t agree with this as they can do what they want

So if all the people who think OP is U are “bitter EW” does that make people like you all “wicked OW” who snatch up men with children and then like to pretend they have none / behave like the wicked step mum from Cinderella?

I’m not an “EW”, bitter or otherwise, but I think OP is being totally unreasonable. Like others pointed out he’s still a parent 100% and his child should be able to get his own property from his own home as and when.

Nearly there! The older one will presumably be starting secondary school next year.

They should have an access to their home whenever they want.

This absolutely is a boundary issue. She can’t assume that she can stop by your house any time. I see that people on here are very “but it’s your sons home” but it was the ex wife who called demanding to come round rather than ask if it was convenient.

Sounds a bit OTT to me on both ends. Yes you were having a romantic lunch but your kids come first so saying 'yeah sure but I have company so will just have to hand them over quickly' should have been just fine, leaving them outside seems ridiculous - they could get wet or stolen. Conversely your ex could have just said 'yeah no worries, just want to pick them up and we'll be out of your way' - problem solved. All seems a bit dramatic really.

I'm a bitter EW (for good reason in my opinion 😂) and I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all (once I'd actually read all of the relevant bits of his posts!)

Blows that theory out of the water really!

Its not the pair of trainers it is the principle of it. And the word suffer was in quotes. Stop being so dramatic and think about how would you feel as kid in this situation.

Sorry op, lots of posters on here take their anger issue with men out on any man that posts.

Don’t take it personally!

OP you did nothing wrong, you were not in a position to have them come to your home, same as if you were out, there are other trainers, it wasn't a life saving apparatus.

You don't stop being a dad just because you didn't allow your ex to bring your son over to pick up a 3rd pair of trainers in mums time.

Have a conversation with your ex, ask her to give you the same respect of your boundaries as you do for her, and let her know that if she needs something from your house, text in advance and you can let her know if your available or come up with an alternative.

I am not EW neither. I completely agree with you.

What would have happened if you'd been out @2ChildDad ?

Genuinely interested if your Ex would have insisted you go home immediately or if she'd behave like a normal / rational person and wait until it was convenient?

I have an 11yo and a 9yo and if either of them left a pair of trainers at their dad's house then they'd wait until it suited us both to have them returned.

What @PlantsFallLikeDominoes said. The kid isn't 'suffering'. People need to get a grip.
It's very obvious the ex wife doesn't like the thought of op dating again, has put two and two together and worked out he said no to them coming around because he had his new girlfriend there, and had taken the nark because of it.

He's fine to have a date in his own house and it's fine that he didn't want to be disturbed.

I would have loved to have had 3 pairs of trainers and parents that did 50/50 as a child. These dc are privileged children, involved set of two parents, lots of shoes, a key to their dads. These are not poor hard done by suffering children @AskingForAFriend12

There is no principle here to defend. The dc wanted something that wasn't needed and would have had to wait for a little while to avoid bumping in to his dads date. No harm done in the slightest.

"Bitter ExW" here.

maybe it's just me, but i wouldn't dream of phoning my ExH and telling him we're coming to get something the kids want.

That's a call you start with "DS would like his trainers, is it ok if we drop by to get them?" I certainly also wouldn't hang up in a huff if my ex told me it wasn't convenient.

It's not ok to impose on anyone's day if they're busy, ex or not, kids demands or not.

Well fuck three pair of trainers, I bet they would rather have one home.

This should be made easier on them. Its not about the trainers, how do you not get that?

Quite @YuleDragon - I have a very difficult relationship with my exh but much as I dislike him I would still be respectful of his time.

“Just tough” for who exactly ? The kid presumably. People with attitudes like this shouldn’t be doing 50/50.

@AskingForAFriend12 no it's about the exw using her son's trainers as part of her temper tantrum that OP is dating again. How can you not see that?

She has demanded in the past when I am out for me to return home saying ‘why are you not in?’

My point is that in real life we can't always just drop everything to get a 3rd pair of trainers, nor is is helpful for teems to grow up thinking that is a reasonable or realistic expectation.

OP could have communicated more clearly that he had offered to leave the trainers outside, it sounds like not a terribly clear mature or constructive conversation between him and his ex

Who can afford to have 2 of everything?!!

A romantic lunch- with two kids hanging around? One of them missing their trainers? LOL!