Page 8 | Ex Wife Boundaries

Ireallydontwantto · 28/12/2023 13:59

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:08

But he has two other pairs. I am having a romantic lunch with someone. I have offered to take them over later on.

I re read your post to clarify this exact point

his other trainers
so he has other trainers that he can wear

we stayed a lot with my nan if we’d of left something there my mum would of said bad luck wear your others we can get them tomo

If you were out what would they of done?

yeah it’s annoying for your son but no more than that?

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:59

It’s perfectly OK for dad to have plans.
**
He was happy to leave the trainers outside.
**
There is nothing to be livid about

I don’t buy that. He added that in when everyone said he was being unreasonable. Before that he stated that he said ‘tomorrow is fine’ and she immediately hung up.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:00

@Coolhwip
I promise I'm not being goady / this is the op I'm reading on the app:

"My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?"

I've re-read it so many times I might be blind to it but I can't see that paragraph there!

That's why I asked what I asked because I genuinely can't find that bit!

(Sorry to derail!)

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 14:01

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:58

Why shouldn’t he have a date at home when the kids are at their mum’s half the week?

Is he supposed to live half a life whilst his kids are not there and only come to life when they’re there?

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Because his home is also the children’s home and they should be able to collect their belongings when they want too. Who even wants someone they are casually dating in the family home anyway. Just odd.

.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:01

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:00

@Coolhwip
I promise I'm not being goady / this is the op I'm reading on the app:

"My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?"

I've re-read it so many times I might be blind to it but I can't see that paragraph there!

That's why I asked what I asked because I genuinely can't find that bit!

(Sorry to derail!)

OP has posted other posts. Click ‘See all’ and you can read all of OP’s posts.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:01

@blackbeardsballsack no need for rudeness. I'm reading on the app and it seems the op on mine is missing key information (see my update).

piscofrisco · 28/12/2023 14:02

Your response was fine.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:02

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 14:01

Because his home is also the children’s home and they should be able to collect their belongings when they want too. Who even wants someone they are casually dating in the family home anyway. Just odd.

.

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So OP can never have company at home in case his kids have forgotten something? That’s insane.

Are you also placing similar restrictions on the mum?

And of course people have people they’re seeing in their home.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:03

Thanks @Coolhwip - I've done that a few times and deffo didn't see that bit but have caught up now. Apologies!

CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:03

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2023 12:07

Your son wants his trainers... he should be allowed to get them. He's your child. It's his home.

It's hard enough for children when there is a situation like this. This isn't a 'boundary' issue.

This. YABU.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:04

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:03

Thanks @Coolhwip - I've done that a few times and deffo didn't see that bit but have caught up now. Apologies!

No worries

Howbizzare22 · 28/12/2023 14:05

YANBU here. He has other trainers- if he didn’t then maybe it’d be an issue. You offered to leave them at door as it was not a good time. Perfectly reasonable. Sometime people go weird when they hear their ex is not available because of a new person.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 14:05

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/12/2023 13:23

I'm interested how you felt the need to mention your kids aren't happy about your ex's new relationship (and how it makes you amazing) but there's not a word about how they feel about yours, even though you're the one who kicked up a stink about handing over some trainers or even being contactable by your co-parent while having your own company. Yes, I know you offered to put them outside but there was clearly some crap going on before that.

Tbh, the pompous, self-congratulatory tone of the whole story puts me off anyway.

Your kid needed his shoes, you can take a quick break in proceedings to hand them over. James Bond can tell the lady she needs to wait a moment while duty calls, I'm sure you can too.

Presumably he hasn’t told them about it if it’s a new relationship. It seems the ex introduced her new bf to the kids too soon and it caused issues. She’s now pissy because he has dared move on. My DB’s ex is like this. She actually moved her new boyfriend in within months of meeting him (with the kids) and it caused no end of issues. My DB had to do a lot to smooth things over. My DB met a partner some time later and after many months when he knew it was serious, gave his ex a heads up that he was going to introduce her to the kids. Cue her going apeshit and trying her best to sabotage things and harassing him. One thing she did a lot was to try to engineer excuses why she had to drop by (like that the kids wanted certain toys). You are entirely right to maintain boundaries, OP.

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 14:06

When you separated, who split up with who?
And why?

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/12/2023 14:10

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 14:05

Presumably he hasn’t told them about it if it’s a new relationship. It seems the ex introduced her new bf to the kids too soon and it caused issues. She’s now pissy because he has dared move on. My DB’s ex is like this. She actually moved her new boyfriend in within months of meeting him (with the kids) and it caused no end of issues. My DB had to do a lot to smooth things over. My DB met a partner some time later and after many months when he knew it was serious, gave his ex a heads up that he was going to introduce her to the kids. Cue her going apeshit and trying her best to sabotage things and harassing him. One thing she did a lot was to try to engineer excuses why she had to drop by (like that the kids wanted certain toys). You are entirely right to maintain boundaries, OP.

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Presumably he hasn’t told them about it if it’s a new relationship.

Then I hope he's got a really good reason about why he must not ever be contacted when they're not with him, even though all time spent with them is a gift.

TattoedLady · 28/12/2023 14:10

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:56

In either scenario all Mum had to do was accept that OP said he wasn't available

She’s the one that has to tell the poor kid his dad doesn’t want him popping into his own home to get his own stuff. I’d be livid. Kids in two homes have it hard enough as it is without be ‘punished’ because your dad is all about the one-upmanship and boundaries.

Of course the child ‘survived’ without his preferred trainers but why should he have to just because his parents’ divorced? Would you be happy with having half your stuff at another house and be constantly worrying and working out what is where.

No, a decent Mum wouldn't say that to her children. In reality, a good Mum would not say 'Dad is punishing you because I'm overstepping his boundaries and he doesn't want you dropping in to get your trainers'.

She would just say 'Dad's not available now, we'll get them later'. And she can say that because, in this instance, she's gotten a text from OP to say he can leave them outside or drop them over later.

It's a simple and very adult way of conveying the situation and not escalating things with a child. And as an adult Mum can choose to respond in an adult way.

When my DSD Mum's isn't available I don't paint her as the devil incarnate for not stopping her life for her DD. Life happens and it's not punishment when a parent, either parent, isn't immediately available in a divorced household or any household for that matter.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:11

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 14:06

When you separated, who split up with who?
And why?

Irrelevant.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:12

All mum needed to say was 'dad's not around today, we'll get them tomorrow'

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 14:12

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:55

Perhaps daytime dates should take place outside of the home until the relationship is more established, that might be kinder to your children who might struggle to understand why they can’t come home to collect their possessions sometimes.

They wouldn't be able to come home if he was out anyway. They don't need to know their dad's personal business.

AskingForAFriend12 · 28/12/2023 14:13

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 13:04

I get that. I do too. But I'm baffled by the posters who seem to think that not dropping everything to provide the correct pair of shoes within a few hours means you don't care about your kids.

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I don't think the kids should "suffer" because they now have to have two homes. If they had one, this wouldn't be an issue. They should have their own key (they are teens, right?) and be able to access both of their homes at any time. Not the ex, just the kids.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:13

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:12

All mum needed to say was 'dad's not around today, we'll get them tomorrow'

Exactky!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 28/12/2023 14:13

This gives a chance to reset boundaries. Also before the kids go say 'Make sure you have everything as I may be out'.

Also pre-warn your 'lady', you may very occasionally have to do dad stuff so she is prepared.

Kirkeee · 28/12/2023 14:14

It’s incredibly annoying the way some mumsnetters automatically make assumptions or infer they some how know a situation better.

I literally had someone tell me “Come on OP you know there is more to the story - I bet x happened”. It hadn’t!

Some people are just itching to get their aggression out.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 14:14

AskingForAFriend12 · 28/12/2023 14:13

I don't think the kids should "suffer" because they now have to have two homes. If they had one, this wouldn't be an issue. They should have their own key (they are teens, right?) and be able to access both of their homes at any time. Not the ex, just the kids.

Show quote history

What’s the point of a key if they’re not old enough to make their own way to their dad’s?

Original poster

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:16

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 14:06

When you separated, who split up with who?
And why?

Three years separated, two divorced. I divorced her for unreasonable behaviour. She hid how much she was earning and I was paying for everything. She was in contact and meeting with her ex-boyfriend, but claimed it was innocent. She would say that only women have a say in the upbringing of a child. She said ‘there’s no such thing as making love, sex is just a physical act’. Lots of verbal abuse and gaslighting.

OP posts: