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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 28/12/2023 14:32

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:16

Three years separated, two divorced. I divorced her for unreasonable behaviour. She hid how much she was earning and I was paying for everything. She was in contact and meeting with her ex-boyfriend, but claimed it was innocent. She would say that only women have a say in the upbringing of a child. She said ‘there’s no such thing as making love, sex is just a physical act’. Lots of verbal abuse and gaslighting.

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Your children are lucky to have you.

AskingForAFriend12 · 28/12/2023 14:33

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 14:30

@AskingForAFriend12 no it's about the exw using her son's trainers as part of her temper tantrum that OP is dating again. How can you not see that?

Is that something you have experienced? Not sure where do you get the evidence from.

Having two homes and not being able to access some stuff for half of the weeks its shit. You are just speculating.

CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:34

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 13:14

My DH and his ex are the opposite. 50/50 and they only contact each other if there's an emergency or to request a change to the schedule. I don't see the need for daily contact.

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All the evidence shows this is really bad practice if you are doing 50/50. Not good for the kids at all. If there’s hostility like this, you ought to have a diff arrangement tbh.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:34

@lastchristmas80 I made that mistake too when I read OP's posts - the dc we're not with him, they were with mum. His date was on his non-dc time!

I got a bit confused too!

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:35

lastchristmas80 · 28/12/2023 14:32

A romantic lunch- with two kids hanging around? One of them missing their trainers? LOL!

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How were the kids ‘hanging around’? They were at their Mum’s house.

OP posts:
AskingForAFriend12 · 28/12/2023 14:38

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 14:31

My point is that in real life we can't always just drop everything to get a 3rd pair of trainers, nor is is helpful for teems to grow up thinking that is a reasonable or realistic expectation.

OP could have communicated more clearly that he had offered to leave the trainers outside, it sounds like not a terribly clear mature or constructive conversation between him and his ex

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Absolutely. That is why I think they should have they key once they are old enough. Then mum can drop them if she has the time.

I am sure if I believe that he has offered to leave them outside (which would be very reasonable) as this is missing from the OP and was only added in later. But if he has then yeah, not a constructive debate.

Lavenderflower · 28/12/2023 14:38

I think it is reasonable to have boundaries but I think it is important to be consistent. If you child is used to coming over when it suits them it can be unsettling if you suddenly start imposing a boundary. I think your ex-wife needs to understand that she cannot just turn up but I think it can be helpful to consider that is she has been used to such flexible arrangement, it may be an adjustment for her.

In my personal opinion, I don't think it healthy when parent don't have firm boundaries in place when they separate - it creates confusion.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 14:38

I would bet that the kid wasn’t even that fussed about the trainers. It’s textbook wanting to interfere in OP’s life and his description of what their relationship was like shows what sort of a person the ex is.

And no, your children don’t have access to the home whenever they like when there is a 50/50 arrangement in place. Surely that’s pretty obvious. They may well prefer one home (although nothing in the posts to suggest this) but that would mean they didn’t get to see the other parent much, which surely isn’t good.

And what’s this nuts rule that you shouldn’t date in your own home? Apart from the first few dates in bars and cafes, DP and I spent most of our dates cooking for each other and watching films. I didn’t realise this was weird or out of the ordinary 🤷

YuleDragon · 28/12/2023 14:39

The ExW behaviour bothers me immensely actually.. my abusive ExH does the same kind of shit... just messages me out of the blue to tell me he'll be at my house shortly to drop something off.. usually something he bought for the kids.

If i tell him no/not convenient, i generally get a torrent of abuse and then twenty questions on what i'm doing and why i'm not immediaitely available to cater to his demands.... and we've been apart for 6 bloody years.

People like that have no respect for boundaries. My house is my safe space and haven, his interruptions are unwanted.

You ASK first before visiting people, even if your kids are involved.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 14:41

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2023 12:44

Just because she behaved like an arse, it doesn’t mean he was not also being an arse

.........and maybe, just maybe, his ex would have described these events very differently.

Of course she would describe it differently. Just like my DHs ex told everyone that he was a shit father who wouldn't take the kids to help her out when she needed. The truth was he was having the kids 4/7 days and SHE wouldn't help him out when he needed to take his mother to a hospital appointment a few hours away so ex needed to have the kids for the day...her day off from work. The shitshow that followed was insane.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 14:41

All the evidence shows this is really bad practice if you are doing 50/50. Not good for the kids at all. If there’s hostility like this, you ought to have a diff arrangement tbh.

What evidence is that? What sort of arrangement should you have if you don’t get on particularly well and don’t feel the need to be in constant contact with one another?

Paddleboarder · 28/12/2023 14:42

If you were in the house then I think you should have answered the door and given your son the trainers. There was no reason not to. If you were out somewhere else then fair enough. Soon your children will be of an age when they will call you themselves about this sort of thing - would you have had the same answer?

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:42

YuleDragon · 28/12/2023 14:39

The ExW behaviour bothers me immensely actually.. my abusive ExH does the same kind of shit... just messages me out of the blue to tell me he'll be at my house shortly to drop something off.. usually something he bought for the kids.

If i tell him no/not convenient, i generally get a torrent of abuse and then twenty questions on what i'm doing and why i'm not immediaitely available to cater to his demands.... and we've been apart for 6 bloody years.

People like that have no respect for boundaries. My house is my safe space and haven, his interruptions are unwanted.

You ASK first before visiting people, even if your kids are involved.

Thank you. She does this all the time…

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 14:43

CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:30

“Just tough” for who exactly ? The kid presumably. People with attitudes like this shouldn’t be doing 50/50.

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It's not like the kid is walking around without shoes. Just not the particular pair of shoes they want. So yes, that's just tough. The same as it was tough when my mum wouldn't let me pack 12 pairs of shoes to go on holiday when I was a kid.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 14:45

StragglyTinsel · 28/12/2023 12:51

It always amazed me how keen some MNers are to jump to the defence of any man posting on here.

The poor love is just beset by evil first wives and angry radical feminists.

This gif is live action footage of the Romantic Lunch.

We certainly know which category you're in. Bitter much?

lastchristmas80 · 28/12/2023 14:45

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:35

How were the kids ‘hanging around’? They were at their Mum’s house.

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Apols assumed they must be back with you. On that basis, whacking them in a bag on the doorstep would have been entirely appropriate. What is your ex like if you make similar requests? Or do you have 2 of everything bar trainers?

hot2trotter · 28/12/2023 14:46

I see you changed your story when you weren't getting the responses you wanted...

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 14:48

When I split with ex 10 plus years ago he did the dropping round thing all the time. He'd even drop round when dc were with me on the pretex of dropping something to them/needing something for them. I put firm boundaries down and now many years later we have a friendly relationship where we can do joint dc birthday meals and have a cup of tea at each others house. But it took a few years of keeping boundaries really firm to get to that point. He did not like that I was not at his every beck and call anymore.

You are allowed a life outside of being her whipping boy. If you hold firm now your life will be a lot easier in the long run. Don't let her ruin your new blossoming romance either. I'd run a mile from a man who was emeshed with his ex and running around after her still.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 14:49

If you were in the house then I think you should have answered the door and given your son the trainers.

I think it depends at what stage the OP's date was tbh. Could've been in the middle of a heartfelt conversation, or right in the middle of eating, or they could've been having an intimate moment. Who knows. Whatever was going on, the op is allowed Quiet enjoyment of his own space and is under no obligation to be available to his exW on her whim. Especially as he offered to leave them outside the door for her to collect without disturbing him.

Crunchymum · 28/12/2023 14:49

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:31

She has demanded in the past when I am out for me to return home saying ‘why are you not in?’

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And did you give in to her demand?

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:50

hot2trotter · 28/12/2023 14:46

I see you changed your story when you weren't getting the responses you wanted...

No- I left out that I had offered to leave them outside. I have apologised for that.

OP posts:
Workworkandmoreworknow · 28/12/2023 14:51

Mum clearly doesn't care that much about boy getting his trainers either since she slammed the phone down and said don't bother

really? Maybe said boy has been droning on and on and on about getting the trainers. Maybe mum did everything she could to not to have to go and get them, but after hours of going on about it, she gave in. And then, when told no, you can’t get them realised she was going to have to buy a pair to keep the peace with said boy. So slammed the phone down.

is is convenient for the ‘second wives club’ to see things one way only. There is always a back story.

Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:52

hot2trotter · 28/12/2023 14:46

I see you changed your story when you weren't getting the responses you wanted...

No- I didn’t clarify that I had offered to leave the trainers outside. Again, apologies.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 14:52

CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:34

All the evidence shows this is really bad practice if you are doing 50/50. Not good for the kids at all. If there’s hostility like this, you ought to have a diff arrangement tbh.

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Yes because it's always that easy. We'd love to have a different arrangement. We'd prefer to have the kids more but their mother wouldn't allow it because she'd be worried she'd have to pay maintenance.

We'd love to have a better co-parenting relationship but that's hard when their mother makes malicious calls to DHs work claiming he's driving his work van on drugs, phoning the council on me, badmouthing us to the kids. She has caused endless issues for us. We can't even be in the same room without her starting shit. There's also a history of domestic violence towards my DH so I don't blame him for keeping contact with her to a minimum.

Yes, the hostility probably isn't good for the kids but we can't control how another person behaves and we do our best to shield them from it.

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 14:53

@CandyLeBonBon if OP is ‘allowed’ quiet enjoyment of his ‘own space’ what do you think his children should be allowed? Quiet enjoyment is a term used in rental contracts and includes all residents not just the leaseholder