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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:48

Did you offer to leave them outside before or after you pompously stated ‘tomorrow will be fine.’ You literally just had to say, I’m not in now can I drop them later.’ No drama. No ‘boundary setting.’ It’s your child’s house as much as it is yours and you not seeing that is depressing.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 13:49

OP the replies you have got are ridiculous. Your ex wanted to mark her territory and be first and used your ds as a way to do that. You quite rightly don't want your dc in your dating life at this early stage. What sort of mother wants to put her son in the middle of a situation like that!

I have teens, if they had an inkling that I had a date they would be nosey and want to come in and hold court with the date. I'd have done the same as you, kids and dates don't mix. Especially nosey teenagers. Just ignore your exw, she's obviously got a bee in her bonnet that you're dating and things might be changing.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:49

@OneTC there's no reference to the length of time so it's a bit ambiguous (to me). 'Has started a relationship' is a bit vague. Depends how long she's been with the fella. We don't actually know. Obviously if it's only been a hot minute, I get it, and I misread the OP's post as having dc with him when he was having lunch which is why I asked for clarification because I wasn't sure I was reading it right.

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 13:50

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:13

I did offer to do that- she said don’t bother and hung up.

Edited

Well if you offered to put outside or hand them over then she's VU. That's all that was required!

Iouis · 28/12/2023 13:50

You are getting a hard time here because people just love to come on MN and be knobheads to the OP.

If she just told you they were on their way she's out of order and overstepping. If she asked, and you said no due to having a date you're out of order it would have taken a second to open the door and hand them out. It wouldn't have meant your kids meeting her, just a simple open of the door.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 13:50

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:08

But he has two other pairs. I am having a romantic lunch with someone. I have offered to take them over later on.

Not very romantic if you’re on Mumsnet 😂
Your first post didn't say it was a romantic lunch, not did it say that youd offered to take them over later. don’t change the story to fit the narrative. Your ex isnt being nosy, your DS just wants his trainers.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:50

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:45

@Coolhwip the op states she's in a relationship but I can't read anywhere that the dc was upset because they were introduced early? Where does he write that?

No I'm not glossing over anything - the only reference I can see to the ex wife's relationship is this: She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).

Obviously if I've missed something I'm happy to be corrected.

OP said:

I am trying to protect my kids as much as possible. I don’t want them to meet someone that I am just dating after seeing how it affected them after their experience with their Mum’s new boyfriend

blackbeardsballsack · 28/12/2023 13:50

Illpickthatup · 28/12/2023 12:45

Oh FFS! So a child wants something so everyone must stop what they are doing because god forbid a child is inconvenienced by not having something they want.

OP has every right to tell his ex now is not a good time. It doesn't matter if he's entertaining a girlfriend or out at the pub with his friends.

Completely agree with this. Some of the comments on here are horrible.

CommonOrNot · 28/12/2023 13:51

vile vile vile responses on here. No she is not entitled to turn up and you are absolutely not unreasonable.

sadly a lot of women on this site are complete misandrists and will never be reasonable when it comes to men.

TattoedLady · 28/12/2023 13:51

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:48

Did you offer to leave them outside before or after you pompously stated ‘tomorrow will be fine.’ You literally just had to say, I’m not in now can I drop them later.’ No drama. No ‘boundary setting.’ It’s your child’s house as much as it is yours and you not seeing that is depressing.

In either scenario all Mum had to do was accept that OP said he wasn't available.

No drama there either.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:51

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 13:50

Not very romantic if you’re on Mumsnet 😂
Your first post didn't say it was a romantic lunch, not did it say that youd offered to take them over later. don’t change the story to fit the narrative. Your ex isnt being nosy, your DS just wants his trainers.

Show quote history

The lunch was yesterday. Maybe read the OPs posts?

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2023 13:52

Floppyelf · 28/12/2023 12:20

She’s batshit. You’re not her partner or skivvy. You were correct to set boundaries and actually you gave all the alternative options the posters here have suggested and yet she still hung up. She’s selfish, she only wants her alone to move on and you stay as a loveless log to her beck and call. Do not let her damage your relationship with your kids.

Don’t be stupid - if she had wanted to disturb his date she would have just turned up! She didn’t know he was meeting someone else!

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:52

So your ex found out about your date on Christmas Day and is throwing a bit of a wobbly? Grey rock all the way @2ChildDad.

It sounds like you're handling it the best you can and she didn't want you to collect from outside the house there's not a lot you can do. Apologies for misunderstanding your op!

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2023 13:53

Cleared my post as I realised that I had completely misread OP's initial post and got everything arse-about-front. Can't see a way to delete post altogether

As you were.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 28/12/2023 13:53

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 12:21

I did- I offered to put the trainers outside, but she hung up. I explained I had company, but this is what happened.

Did she call on mobile?
if so, in future just say you’re out for the day, not at home. Or that you’re about to go out, so could leave them outside door . She doesn’t need to know if you are in or out
so, not unreasonable to say you can’t hand over to WIFE, you could have been out anyway

BUT, if KID has a key, then they can just pop in themselves and grab what they want.
AND it is unreasonable to stop your teen kids coming in if they have a key already anyway. Your home IS also their home until they are independent, which they aren’t now. Refusing to let them in to collect something, potter around or even sleep is not ok, even if you have a new partner.

If there’s a risk of that happening then you’ll need to go to neutral territory until it’s time to introduce them. Or alternately introduce them earlier but very very casually so they’re not surprised to see her there, and neither them nor her are treating it as anything significant - a bit as they would with them meeting a colleague who’d popped over to collect something, or gym buddy etc. i I don’t think it’s unreasonable though to expect that if they’re letting themselves in that they either text you a heads up before they get there, and/or give bell a quick ring before entering- that’ll give you time to adjust clothing and stop snogging .

There’s a big difference between ex wife wanting to collect something, and your children wanting access to their home whenever and for whatever , even if a tadge irritating. Boundaries related to your availability are appropriate for your ex wife, but never for your kids.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 13:53

Could you imagine if it was a woman who posted - my ex won't leave me alone and let me date in peace, he's got a new gf yet won't leave me alone and is making up reasons to interrupt my date.. the ex would be piled on in that situation!

blackbeardsballsack · 28/12/2023 13:54

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 13:37

@2ChildDad how many dates have you had - how long have you been seeing her? Sounds pretty soon to be playing happy families - especially as you have 50% of the time available for dating.

The trainers thing is a red herring I think? I imagine the trainers is a mask for the fact that she's upset you've possibly introduced your dc to a very early-days relationship too soon?

What on earth are you talking about? Do you have no comprehension skills?

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 13:55

Perhaps daytime dates should take place outside of the home until the relationship is more established, that might be kinder to your children who might struggle to understand why they can’t come home to collect their possessions sometimes.

Iouis · 28/12/2023 13:55

This post is a perfect example of all the little keyboard warriors on MN.

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:56

In either scenario all Mum had to do was accept that OP said he wasn't available

She’s the one that has to tell the poor kid his dad doesn’t want him popping into his own home to get his own stuff. I’d be livid. Kids in two homes have it hard enough as it is without be ‘punished’ because your dad is all about the one-upmanship and boundaries.

Of course the child ‘survived’ without his preferred trainers but why should he have to just because his parents’ divorced? Would you be happy with having half your stuff at another house and be constantly worrying and working out what is where.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 13:56

Oh and I have absolutely arranged for my teen dc with their own keys to get out their home and stay with their dad or my mum and they have had strict instructions not to come home. You're allowed to not completely sacrifice yourself on the alter of motherhood.

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 13:56

Well I’m sort of with you on this, your dating life is absolutely nothing to do with your children, or your ex. However, given that you have 50:50 of the children and your home is also theirs, why are you having dates there? Surely it makes more sense to just keep children/ home and dating completely separate in the early stages?

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:57

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:56

In either scenario all Mum had to do was accept that OP said he wasn't available

She’s the one that has to tell the poor kid his dad doesn’t want him popping into his own home to get his own stuff. I’d be livid. Kids in two homes have it hard enough as it is without be ‘punished’ because your dad is all about the one-upmanship and boundaries.

Of course the child ‘survived’ without his preferred trainers but why should he have to just because his parents’ divorced? Would you be happy with having half your stuff at another house and be constantly worrying and working out what is where.

It’s perfectly OK for dad to have plans.

He was happy to leave the trainers outside.

There is nothing to be livid about.

Summasolstice · 28/12/2023 13:57

This post is a perfect example of all the little keyboard warriors on MN

@Iouis you do realise you’re literally calling yourself a ‘little keyboard warrior’ here don’t you?

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 13:58

Spacecowboys · 28/12/2023 13:56

Well I’m sort of with you on this, your dating life is absolutely nothing to do with your children, or your ex. However, given that you have 50:50 of the children and your home is also theirs, why are you having dates there? Surely it makes more sense to just keep children/ home and dating completely separate in the early stages?

Why shouldn’t he have a date at home when the kids are at their mum’s half the week?

Is he supposed to live half a life whilst his kids are not there and only come to life when they’re there?