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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Boundaries

417 replies

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 11:57

My ex wife and I share 50/50 custody of our children. I tend to have them slightly more than that over Christmas and half terms due to her work schedules (I am not complaining about that- any time that I spend with my kids in a gift). The kids spent Christmas with me and returned to her on Boxing Day.
She has started a relationship with another man (the kids were somewhat resistant to this, but I have been as supportive as I can be-he has even thanked me for this).
My boundary on this are that if the kids are with me, I don’t contact her unless absolutely necessary. She has her life to lead.
Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.
I was actually having lunch with a lady that I have begun dating and said that ‘now is not convenient as I have company. Tomorrow will be fine’.
She slammed the phone down and then sent a text saying ‘Don’t bother I am going to buy some new ones’.
I think she is getting too aggressive here and not respecting boundaries. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:55

lastchristmas80 · 28/12/2023 14:45

Apols assumed they must be back with you. On that basis, whacking them in a bag on the doorstep would have been entirely appropriate. What is your ex like if you make similar requests? Or do you have 2 of everything bar trainers?

Show quote history

At least two of everything- so that this does not have to happen. He has two pairs of trainers round his Mum’s house and two round mine. Plus shoes.
And this same thing happened the other week with a toy- we waited until the next day as she was entertaining that evening.

OP posts:
CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:58

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 14:19

Suffer! Suffer for not having access to a third pair of trainers! That is not suffering! Ffs. Do you understand that there are dc that actually suffer and it isn't for not having access to their third pair of trainers!

These threads whenever there is an ex husband and dc are just hyperbolic crap.

OP you would have been better off posting on reddit with things that involve exwifes and dc and dating again. You will never get a balanced opinion from MN.

You can mock, but research says this is one of the things that is most anxiety inducing/ stressful for kids about having to live between two homes - that their stuff is always between two places and the mental load/
logistics of remembering what to bring where, and frustration of not having your things with you when you want them . As
an adult you would find this stressful and unsettling too, it’s even more so the case for a child. It’s not as simple as reducing this to being about a “third pair of trainers”

lastchristmas80 · 28/12/2023 15:01

2ChildDad · 28/12/2023 14:55

At least two of everything- so that this does not have to happen. He has two pairs of trainers round his Mum’s house and two round mine. Plus shoes.
And this same thing happened the other week with a toy- we waited until the next day as she was entertaining that evening.

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In this case, bagged on doorstep seems the most respectful manoeuvre to both parties. Maybe you should politely communicate that’s how you hope to manage missing items going forwards? Sounds like even 2 of everything doesn’t seem to prevent these situations. Annoying for both of you - I’m sure.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 15:01

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 14:53

@CandyLeBonBon if OP is ‘allowed’ quiet enjoyment of his ‘own space’ what do you think his children should be allowed? Quiet enjoyment is a term used in rental contracts and includes all residents not just the leaseholder

So genuinely, do you think it's appropriate for an ex partner to be able to drop round whenever they like, as long as the children have asked for something? How are the children being denied anything here? They have two homes and there are set times they stay at each one. During the time they are at one home, they live there. It is up to the other parent what they do during the time the kids aren't there. It's not rocket science or some new alien concept - millions of people have this arrangement - it would be totally untenable otherwise.

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 15:02

I'm not mocking. This is not suffering.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 15:02

Wristfolds · 28/12/2023 14:53

@CandyLeBonBon if OP is ‘allowed’ quiet enjoyment of his ‘own space’ what do you think his children should be allowed? Quiet enjoyment is a term used in rental contracts and includes all residents not just the leaseholder

50/50 time means that each parent cares for the child 50% of the time. It would be utter chaos if it was 'any time you like'. Parents wouldn't be able to plan work schedules, shopping/household tasks or anything else that adults are need to do, in addition to raising kids. Not to mention utterly chaotic for children randomly going between houses without any kind of schedule.

It works for older kids perhaps, who are more able to manage their own lives and schedules independently but not younger children who need adult help to get to school, do homework, go to clubs etc.

I say this as the sole carer for 3 kids. The most important thing for their wellbeing, growing up, was knowing what was going on and when. It would not have served their sense of security or wellbeing to be all over the place at random days/times without any kind of scheduling, and it's completely impractical for parents to facilitate in the vast majority of cases.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 28/12/2023 15:05

It depends on the age of the son. The son will learn from this to take what he needs next time, otherwise he will do without. It's a lesson. Was the mother buying new trainers... was it necessary, I don't know, perhaps if they suddenly decided to do some sports.

I do not expect one parent to bend over backwards at the whim of the other. Agree on better communication before the change over, then leave the other parent alone, unless it's an emergency. Otherwise it become a consistent habit, where they often forget items and expect you to drop everything to accommodatetheir needs... I know this from personal experience. It ends up being very one sided and intrusive.

What if the OP was away, living his life and not available. Would you expect him to return home?

NoraBattysCurlers · 28/12/2023 15:06

Yesterday, I received a call saying ‘we are coming over to your house now as he (my son) wants his other pair of trainers’.

Not acceptable.

Ignore the dingbats here who don't recognise boundaries.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 15:09

CoParents · 28/12/2023 14:58

You can mock, but research says this is one of the things that is most anxiety inducing/ stressful for kids about having to live between two homes - that their stuff is always between two places and the mental load/
logistics of remembering what to bring where, and frustration of not having your things with you when you want them . As
an adult you would find this stressful and unsettling too, it’s even more so the case for a child. It’s not as simple as reducing this to being about a “third pair of trainers”

Show quote history

But the mum could make this a lot easier then by accepting the offer to leave the trainers in a bag on the doorstep then. She chose not to and to react the way she did and it seems likely it was motivated by wanting to keep an eye on what her ex was up to.
I appreciate that there are issues with shared living following divorce. However, the flipside is that the children miss out on living with one parent and probably won't have as close a relationship with them as a result. Having no boundaries and being in daily contact (especially following an abusive/controlling relationship) is not healthy either. If both parties are on the same page and it works, then fine. However, a lot of people split with their partner because that person treated them badly or even abused them. To say that they need to now allow unrestricted intrusions into their life is not helpful. It is possible to explain to children in an age-appropriate way that you have boundaries with the other parent.

HootyMcBoob · 28/12/2023 15:10

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 12:08

If a woman had wrote this everyone would say yes good you kept your boundary as you should and your right not to expose your child to a new person you are dating. Perhaps next time you could have said you can pop them around a bit later (assuming your date wasn't staying) but you had every right to say now is not convenient. She is clearly annoyed that you are seeing someone else. She can no longer dictate to you what you can and can't do. Good for you

Absolutely spot on. Classic Mumsnet hypocrisy rears its ugly head again.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 15:10

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2023 13:04

This.

Not sure why you are putting a lunch date before your son.

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😂Talk about dramatic. Some of you must be a nightmare to deal with.

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 15:12

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 13:00

My dc have different trainers for different stuff. So trainers for sports, trainers that can get trashed when playing and fancy trainers for going out (or teen dc posing)

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So do mine but they'd cope absolutely fine if they had to wear a different pair for a day. So would I.

FigAndOlive · 28/12/2023 15:17

Coming over to get DC's medicine, a coat, some type of accessorry needed to do a hobby they have commited to: yes, of course. People are reacting as if you denied your kid an epi-pen LOL. If it is just a matter of preference to use this or that pair of trainers, yes, they can wait until it's an appropriate time for you, and of course she knew that and should be understanding. What about if you were not home, she would break the windows to get it? I don't see the difference here

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 15:17

This thread is batshit. Typical though.

@2ChildDad you did nothing wrong here. You are entitled to a private life too.

The way to deal with this would have been for the child's mother to say no, you have trainers you can wear!! Or to have asked you to leave them out for him if she couldn't exert any discipline over him! Did the child even want the trainers or was it just a ruse of the part of the ex?

Either way it's a storm in a teacup.

CoParents · 28/12/2023 15:18

PlantsFallLikeDominoes · 28/12/2023 15:02

I'm not mocking. This is not suffering.

Well you can declare that if you want 💁🏼‍♀️. However, as above, research shows that the stress/ anxiety/ upset (all forms of “suffering”) sometimes caused to children by having to split time between homes very typically centres around belongings. Most adults would also find it difficult and unsettling if their stuff was spread across two homes, especially if they couldn’t access that stuff as and when they wanted.

nosleepforme · 28/12/2023 15:19

It had originally sounded like kids were at yours. You’ve clarified.

I hope I understood correctly- that the kids were at hers. Ds left a pair of trainers at yours which she wanted to collect. You said it wasn’t a good time and you could leave the trainers outside. She’s being stupid about it. She doesn’t want you to leave them out and wants you to be available or she will buy a new pair.

my answer - she’s welcome to buy a new pair. She sounds like a brat.

HootyMcBoob · 28/12/2023 15:20

Tandora · 28/12/2023 14:20

Of course, the bitter EW’s club won’t agree with this as they can do what they want

So if all the people who think OP is U are “bitter EW” does that make people like you all “wicked OW” who snatch up men with children and then like to pretend they have none / behave like the wicked step mum from Cinderella?

I’m not an “EW”, bitter or otherwise, but I think OP is being totally unreasonable. Like others pointed out he’s still a parent 100% and his child should be able to get his own property from his own home as and when.

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Utter nonsense, the OP isn't being unreasonable at all. On the other hand, the EW sounds like a control freak. What would have happened if the OP had been out?

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 15:22

Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 13:26

It seems like the child was the only one who suffered here though just so you could stick to your “boundaries” with your ex to spite her, when in reality you probably upset your child.

The child suffered? Oh behave. That is just so ridiculous 😂. No wonder we've got teens and adults who can't cope with being told no on occasion.

Tandora · 28/12/2023 15:23

HootyMcBoob · 28/12/2023 15:20

Utter nonsense, the OP isn't being unreasonable at all. On the other hand, the EW sounds like a control freak. What would have happened if the OP had been out?

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If he were out he could have simply said “sorry I am out. I’ll be back xx”. Entirely different scenario 🤷🏼‍♀️

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 15:23

SecondUsername4me · 28/12/2023 12:21

Interesting that you didn't include this in your opening post.

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If people included every single word in every situation in every single post, the website would crash! It's called "summarising" and people who don't do it and relate every single "I said and then they said and then I said and then they said..." are the most boring fuckers in the universe.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 15:24

CoParents · 28/12/2023 15:18

Well you can declare that if you want 💁🏼‍♀️. However, as above, research shows that the stress/ anxiety/ upset (all forms of “suffering”) sometimes caused to children by having to split time between homes very typically centres around belongings. Most adults would also find it difficult and unsettling if their stuff was spread across two homes, especially if they couldn’t access that stuff as and when they wanted.

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But what would you suggest as an alternative then? That the ex wife has a key and can walk in at any time to get things for the children? Or that OP cannot have any sort of private life during his child-free time? What about the fact that she seems to be using this to control the OP?
Adults and children would be able to cope if it was explained to them why they couldn't have a specific item right at that moment if it was in a different place. It's not that uncommon for adults to split their time across two places (for work or living part time with partner) and it's not too distressing and shouldn't be overstated for children either, most of whom cope well with shared residence arrangements.

MrsHughesPinny · 28/12/2023 15:25

YANBU. It was your ex-wife’s time with the children so you were doing your own life. If your DS has another pair of trainers it won’t kill him to wear those. I can’t believe how vitriolic some people are being when she’s clearly in the wrong.

Nily4567 · 28/12/2023 15:27

Hmm…think you are getting roasted for being a man tbh…gobsmacked by majority of responses to be honest.
lot of bitter divorced people commenting I suspect 🤦‍♀️

TinyKittenPaw · 28/12/2023 15:27

I think on this occasion i would have offered to meet her briefly outside to hand her the trainers, which it sounds like you did, but i would have a conversation later about the fact you are now dating and it can’t just be assumed that you will A) be in or B) be available, when you are not scheduled to have the kids. What if yourself and the new partner had been in bed when she arrived at short notice - intrusive and awkward for everyone.

I don’t think you are wrong to be annoyed or to set come clear boundaries around this for the future. Do you think she could have known you were seeing someone and wanted to find a reason to call by? Seems odd when he has two other trainers?

Olive19741205 · 28/12/2023 15:28

NewNameNigel · 28/12/2023 13:34

Hilariously I once mentioned on a thread that DSD had popped back to her mums for something (this is DSD not DP) and I got lambasted because this is mums free time and we should have a replica wardrobe here. Even though DSD was 14 at the time and has made the arrangements herself with her mum this was my fault

Edited
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I once got told on here that because DSCs mum wanted us to have the kids on HER day, very last minute, literally half an hour before I was due to leave as I had plans, had made childcare plans for my own DD, DH was coming off a night-shift and it wasn't HIS day...we were a pair of bastards who treated the kids like plant pots🙄